'AITA for expecting my boyfriend to set a boundary with his mother?'
"AITA for expecting my boyfriend to set a boundary with his mother?"
We were going on vacation, and I asked my boyfriend to specifically ask his mom to please not enter our bedroom, as she had no reason to, and it was our private space. (It was messy. We wrote love notes to each other on the wall.
I had adult items, underwear, and all of my books visible, and I'm a private person. I shouldn't have to justify WHY I didn't want his mom in MY room.) He told me there's now way she would, and disregarded my request.
It's my house, he moved in with me, and we gave access to our house to our parents for use of the fenced in yard, since she was caring for his dog and my mom was caring for mine while we were gone.
We got a camera and set it up ONLY in our room because I have trust issues, after another privacy violation from a family member, and just wanted the peace of mind.. so I could enjoy my vacation. In hindsight I would have just gotten a lock instead. Obviously. On vacation he ended up lying to me, and erasing one of the 7 videos of his mom entering our room.
The ones I did see, she just slowly creeped around my room looking at all of my belongings, disappeared into the closet/bathroom, sat on our bed, read the love notes we wrote on the wall, and as it slowly came out what was happening, I learned she even entered the room AGAIN after my boyfriend had called her and asked her to stop going in our room.
She said "Hi Boyfriend's name" when she walked in. I felt extremely hurt and violated, and refused to deal with any of this. My reasoning is that I tried to prevent it, and it's HIS mom.
Not my mother-in-law. When we returned, she called me and left me a voicemail late the night we returned, demanding that I call her back, AND put my boyfriend on speaker phone. I didn't.
She had already given him the excuse to him that she was looking for a phone charger...but she has a different phone than us. Common sense would say we took our chargers with us on vacation. There were 2 chargers for her specific phone, RIGHT out in the open in the kitchen when you enter.
I also found one of his old phones almost fully charged...that he hadn't touched in months. I can't imagine she didn't creep around my ENTIRE house looking at everything since she came in our bedroom 7 times...
The ONLY thing I wanted was for my boyfriend to stop parroting the stupid excuse that she was just looking for a charger, and to please set a boundary with his mom that it's not acceptable behavior, and we expect her to respect our privacy moving forward.
I thought it should be him because she' not my mom, and he thought the responsibility of setting the boundary was on ME, since he didn't care. He wouldn't do it, and said she was just curious.
When he finally did, he came back from the conversation accusing me of trying to drive a wedge between he and his mother, and said she didn't take it well. I'm thinking SO WHAT?! ....We broke up.
Partially because I couldn't let it go... I kept saying why it wasn't ok. If he had set the boundary, I would have dropped it. I wore him down trying to make my point because of the excuses and minimizing, without any accountability, and we ended up ultimately breaking up. Am I the AH?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You set a reasonable boundary; he refused to enforce it, lied, and minimized your concerns. Your privacy and feelings were valid.
That’s just creepy and invasive. I’m a mother in law and I guarantee you I have zero desire or reason to ever enter my son’s and daughters in law’s bedrooms. Ever. That’s their private space and I can’t even imagine wanting to go through their personal business.
The fact that your partner not only disrespected your express wishes and gave her some lame excuse to justify what she did is even more bizarre. This would be deal breaking territory for me and I think you dodged a huge bullet here. I’m just sorry your privacy was disrespected in such a graphic way. I hope you find a much healthier relationship. NTA.
and it’s your house ? dump him and his girlfriend/mom. if this is bad now just imagine when you get married. NTA.
You did the right thing. Paint over those love notes on the walls because momma was always going to come first for your hopefully ex bf. NTA.
Tell him that you are more than happy to handle it. Then, handle it. “Crazy stalker lady. You are NEVER welcome in my home again. The locks have been changed. If you try and come near my home. I will call the cops and have you trespassed.
Then, I will lawyer up for a restraining order. Your son is free to have whatever relationship with you that he wants. It just won’t be anywhere near my home. Also, I have added more cameras in my home and your son has zero access to them or the feed.
If I see you on the feed. I will have you charged with felony B&E. Toodles. Then, tell your boyfriend that he doesn’t have to worry. You have handled it. Change the locks. I suspect this isn’t the last you have seen of these 2.
NTA. You handled this the only way possible. He's not the guy you want to spend decades with.
You’re a smart woman. Congratulations for having the strength to stand up for yourself. I’m proud of you. Please don’t ever give in to someone who show no respect.
NTA. His mom wants him to herself, and it appears the son is on board with it. You shouldn't have had to put a lock on the door to get respect from both the BF and his mom. This is so creepy it makes the skin crawl. Good for you in trusting your instincts.
NTA. And I think it would have been perfectly appropriate for YOU to set a boundary with his mom. And one of that would be that she's not welcome in your house at all. But it's good you broke up with him; he wasn't a grown up.
twinklebunnie (OP)
If I thought she would have been receptive, or respectful I would have...but I caught this vibe of how everything is always everyone else's fault, blame shifting, and intrusiveness. I really believed him when he said she would never go in our room, because he knows her so much better than me. Guess he was wrong and my intuition was right. I won't ignore that again!