'AITA for expecting certain 'manners' from son's new girlfriend?'
"AITA for expecting certain 'manners' from son's new girlfriend?"
So, my son (18m) brought home his first college girlfriend (18f) for Thanksgiving. He told me before hand that she is a very picky eater, but she did plan to eat with us while here. I (44F) love to cook, and Thanksgiving is my "Super Bowl".
Everything is made homemade from scratch, and I spend a week prepping and cooking. I even added a couple special dishes to the already huge menu that my son told me she loved, so she would definitely have something she enjoyed on Thanksgiving.
She didn't eat any meal with us the whole time she was here leading up to Thanksgiving. Then on Thanksgiving, all she put on her plate was my baked mac and cheese and a homemade yeast dinner roll, but only after my son urged her to try them. Then, she just picked at her meager plate, and didn't even really eat. Shortly after dinner, she asked my son to drive her into town to get fast food.
On top of it all, she rarely left her room, and didn't clean up after herself (i.e. wash her dishes, put away her used towels) while she was here. Either my son picked up after her, or I did. She never offered to help with anything either.
Now, with it being Christmas, they are both back here for half of the break. It is the same as last time. I asked what her favorite dinners are so I could cook them. (We all are very adventurous eaters, and like almost everything) She claimed to LOVE spaghetti.
I, again, made my homemade sauce, homemade garlic bread sticks, and served it with a Caesar salad. Again, she picked at the food, but didn't eat it. About an hour later, my son was making her Ramen Noodles. She won't even come out and sit with the whole family during dinner, even if she's not eating.
I may be old school Southern with my expectations, but I take all this as rude guest behavior, and feel fairly offended. I raised all my children (6 in total) to be gracious guests in others homes. To eat what is offered and to always thank your host.
To offer to help cook or clean up after, even if you know they will turn the offer down. To use "please" "thank you" "sir" and "ma'am" and to join in table conversations. I was taught that was just being polite and respectful of the people that opened their home and invited you to share their food, and worked to pass those manners to my kids.
On top of it all, my son was very healthy, active and watched his sugar, carb, and processed foods when he left for college. Since starting to date his girlfriend his "freshman fifteen" is more like the "freshman thirty".
He is a Bible and Theology major, so he is "dating with intent". I fear she is not the best fit for him, but being his first "serious" college girlfriend, and their shared beliefs of dating for marriage, he will end up marrying her.
I worry about his future health and negative eating patterns he has fallen into. AITA for being offended by what I think is a lack of manners and respect from the girlfriend, and worrying about my son's health?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
One mother to another, never criticize your son’s girlfriend(s). You said they may be on the path to marriage, and she is already controlling his behavior. Ask her directly to do easy chores “hey can you help me with…” or suggest son & gf cook dinner, and take them shopping.
But put her in situations where your son can see her as a potential life partner and mother, not just someone where his hormones are controlling his perception of her (I’m sure he’s good Christian young man but he still really wants “it” and this is how he can get it).
Have his friends over for a get together. Ask them bring their partners so son’s gf can see what normal, social behavior is like. So you’re NTA for being offended, but you will find yourself excluded from your son if you say anything out loud.
Read this wise advice several times, OP. You are free to experience whatever big emotions you're feeling. But if you act on them be prepared for some fallout. It might be time to land the helicopter.
You're allowed to be worried about any-ole-thing you want to be worried about, what you aren't allowed to do is get invoved with things that aren't your business. He's an adult, he can make his own decisions (including his own mistakes), and that's just how life goes.
It's not unreasonable to have house rules that everyone follows by example. If he wants to clean up after his girlfriend, that's his business; you don't have to. He's setting an expectation for his relationship that's basically unmanageable long-term, you know it, I know it, but he's going to have to learn all about that his own (hard) way.
These things tend to work themselves out long-term, one way or the other, but that's their journey, and you need to allow them to walk it just as you walked yours. That's how life works.
ESH. You are not the AH for thinking she has poor manners, because that is totally true, she sucks. However, the part where you are one, Is the last. Your son is his own person. You did your job raising him the best way possible. It's not her responsibility what he eats. That is his choice.
Have you not had a conversation with your son about any of these things? You expect a lot of your son, for better or for worse. You’re both adults now, mostly. Have a damn conversation with him and ask him what he feels and what he thinks instead of asking the Internet to agree with you.