'AITA for expecting my fiancé to pay for me to dress up for his work events?' UPDATED

"AITA for expecting my fiance to pay for me to get ready for his events?"

My fiance's (F) work throws a lot of compulsory social events that involve a dress code. Usually 1 a month, often 2 or 3. I'm not one for dressing up but when he has these things I always go with him and dress according to the dress code. I have 3 passes a year to not go.

At the last fundraiser one of his coworker's wives asked me if the dress I was wearing was the same dress I wore a couple months ago to another event and I say yes. The coworker hears this and asks F if he can't afford to buy me a new dress. F thought the coworker was a dick but later told me he was embarrassed by the "joke" and asked me to get a new dress for next time.

Here's the thing. F makes more than double what I make. The only reason I can afford as many dresses and shoes and accessories as I currently can is that he pays 2x what I do in everything else. He suggested this initially because he wanted a bigger place that I couldn't afford to pay half on, and we've been living like this for a year now.

However, every event, which is minimum once a month, requires a new dress, new jewelry, a new bag and new shoes. Recently I've also started to get my hair done professionally before the event, because his bosses boss's wife and I get on well, and she asked me a few months ago to start getting ready with her.

This means going to the same salon she does and getting my hair and nails done for the event while she gets hers done. I wanted to stop doing this after the first time, but F asked me to continue because he thinks if I talk him up to the wife she'll talk him up to the boss.

There's been occasions where getting ready with her has also involved going with her to choose her dress, and she's picked me out a dress/bag/shoes for the event and I've had to get them.

Just for the last event, the cost of hair, nails, dress, shoes, bag and jewelry came to over $600. There is an average of 2 events per month, so $1200 per month average to go to these events. I make about $1800 a month. Living expenses, even with him paying significantly more than I do, come to about $500.

I collected up my receipts, handed them to him and said "look, I'm fine with coming to your things, but I need you to help me out with them. You know how much I make, and all of my disposable income is going into this. If you want me in all new stuff every month, then I need you to pitch in. If the budget doesn't stretch that far then I'm just going to have to wear my old dresses."

He then started going through the receipts, asking if I really needed this or that. He then said that he already pays out a shedload each month and he's going to need me to keep spending as normal. I said that he needs to at least partially fund the next outfit or I'm using my pass. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

kittybarofskee said:

The whole scenario sounds bizarre.

Psykopatate said:

It's not that he needs "at least partially" to pay. He needs to pay completely for these work-related events. It takes your time, it takes your money and the only goal is so that he's nicely seen by his boss. NTA, it's ridiculous he doesn't see what's wrong in it. "I have 3 passes a year to not go." What is even this. On top of that, you're completely forced to go ? Wtf.

1_Justbreakup said:

NTA he should help you pay for these if he wants you to wear a new dress. However I just discovered this rental dress service online, I think it’s called Rent the Runway or something like that.

You can probably google it. But you rent a dress for like 50-100$ depending on your budget and it’s great, there are many styles, they are high quality, my mom just used it last month for a black tie event that she had to go to. Ask him how important is it to him that you wear a new dress every time? Maybe you can buy or rent 1-2 dresses a year max and he covers the rest

Phy44 said:

Does F get a new suit, shoes, watch, etc for every event? This idea that woman can't wear the same dress twice comes from woman and only woman. Guys don't care. NTA

OP responded:

He owns exactly 3 suits a black one, a blue one, and a navy one, plus dress shirts and ties and one pair of smart shoes, and he replaces them when he wears them out. That's it.

[deleted] said:

NTA. Maybe look in to something like Rent The Runway for your dresses? As for the jewelry, I don’t think anyone will really notice if you rotate the same few pieces of jewelry, but I’ve been to very few black tie events in my life, so I could be completely wrong. But yeah, if he seriously expects you to get a new dress for every event as well as professional hair and makeup, he should at least help out a little.

OP responded:

For jewelry there is some stuff I get away with, like my engagement ring, but certain outfits require certain necklaces or accessories to go with the rest of the look. One time the dress code was just wearing blue so I had to get a blue dress, heel, bag, necklace, even my hair clip was blue, and someone still pointed out white on my dress.

And EBlackR said:

NTA - That sounds like an absolute nightmare (for me, anyway). If these events are compulsory for you to attend with him (whether by his rule or his company’s) then he should be considering this his work expense.

If he’s pushing back on whether or not you need certain things, reiterate with him frankly that you’ve been getting catty feedback and that it’s reflecting poorly on him. It sounds like he’s shooting the messenger a bit here, frankly you’re being an absolute champ for dealing with all of this nonsense.

She later shared this update:

We have a new agreement. He will pay for everything going forward for his work events, and the salon appointments as they are for him. If he is ever required to get clothing for my work or social events I will similarly cover the cost, but that has happened once in the 4 years we've been together.

I am going to keep going to these work events because we are in a relationship, one we are going to be in for the rest of our lives. I will continue to go to these events and talk him up 1-3 nights per month for as long as he works there because he needs me to do that, and he will come to my work and social events because I need him to do that.

Just to add: I've looked into clothing rentals, tried a few services available here a while back, none of them were great, but I got a lot of suggestions for ones that operate in my area that I could try so I will be giving it another go. It's also worth noting that I would probably get away with re-wearing some of the dresses I wore this time last year or earlier now, as it's been over a year.

Edit for emphasis: please stop telling me to reconsider my engagement. I appreciate that internet strangers are worried about my relationship but I'm a big girl, I know what I'm doing. Can everyone please chill on telling me to end a loving, healthy, functional relationship that I intend to be in for the rest of my life over my fiance not realizing how expensive women's clothing is? Kindly chill, lads.