'AITA for expecting a courtesy heads up when spouse leaves the house when children are involved?'
"AITA for expecting a courtesy heads up when spouse leaves the house when children are involved?"
sorrymailboxfull
I am married with 3 kids (11, 8, 5). My 5 year old has autism, and he has darted out the front door a couple times in the past. Yesterday, I cared for my two sons (8 and 5) while my wife went out with my daughter to an event she wanted to go to.
They got back, and I promised my 8 year old I would play a game he likes called Acron on VR when she got back. I had the VR headset on, so I am immersed while my son was playing on his phone against me. I was in the living room, so it was clear I had a VR headset on.
After playing a couple rounds with him, I took the headset off and noticed that my wife’s car was gone. I sent her a text message saying “Please don’t leave and not tell me that I am supposed to be watching (5 year old son), that’s a safety risk.
You really need to tell me if you are going to go out and he be left unattended.” I then noticed my daughter was gone as well, and followed up with “And (daughter)’s gone too?”
I got a reply 9 minutes later with “I wasn’t with him before, you were? It was an impromptu leave for the ice cream man.” I replied back “You were in the house, I clearly had a VR headset on playing with (8yr old son). You can’t put his safety second to an ice cream man.”
She replied back “I don’t deserve this treatment. I left him with you. End of conversation.” I replied back “Completely wrong. I’m just glad he didn’t leave the house on his own.”
I was with my 8 year old on the couch and she came up to me and started yelling at me that she doesn’t have to tell me anything, that I was supposed to be watching him and so forth.
I replied that I was playing a VR game with (8 year old) and cannot see anything around me, and its dangerous for (5 year old) to be on his own, especially when he has left the house before.
Instead of continuing a loud argument in front of my son, I stopped at that point and said I don’t want to talk anymore right now. In the past, I have continued arguing my point but just like the wife has reminded me in the past, we shouldn't in front of the kids.
So I was good about it this time. I then started feeding my 5 year old (has feeding issues), and noticed she left again. At this point, I am also making dinner for everyone as well.
AITA in this one? I feel it is common courtesy for a spouse to let the other one know when they are going out somewhere, I do it every single time or even if I am going to be outside for a period of time. In this case, I have a genuine concern also for my autistic son to wander out front on his own.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Mira_DFalco
Wow! Yea, if you're dealing with an escape artist kid, it's really important to have a positive handoff for who's on point. I'm going to assume that you would have paused playing vr until she got back?
dplafoll
NTA. All these folks who say something like "you should have told her you were going to play VR" are just batty. She's the one leaving the house, and she's the one leaving a child in your care without telling you.
If both parents and all children are in the house, it's not on you to tell your wife "I will be less-able to pay attention to these two kids while I play with one kid" when you're both there and available in general.
However, if your wife leaves the house and takes one of the two kids with her, she's responsible for telling you she's leaving (regardless of anything else, that's good spousal courtesy), and that she's taking one of the children. It doesn't matter what you're doing or not doing, she should still be telling you, regardless.
She's angry with you because you called her out on making a bad decision. Whether or not you were TA when you spoke to her I don't know; however, she's TA for sure in the first place by acting that way.
0KOKay
NTA. This is odd on top of being disrespectful. You are a team. If nobody was home then sure, leave without telling anyone but the entire family was home. Sure it was just ice cream but she couldn't bother to ask you if you wanted anything? Or if you needed anything?
Not even a quick text that says going to get ice cream? Just leaves you with the kids? Doesn't matter the reason for leaving, talk for 30 seconds to make sure you aren't forgetting something or if the other needs medicine or to get gas. Does this mean you can just up and leave at 7pm to go wherever at any time? And best of luck to her? Your wife is the big AH!
sweetn0th1ngs
NTA but yall need to work on your communication. My bf and I tell eachother when we’re leaving and there are no kids involved. It’s not hard. Maybe she expected you would say no or that she needed to take other child so she just left? Whatever the issue is yall really need to figure out a system that works for the sake of your child.
hadMcDofordinner
YTA for the way you reacted. You say yourself that you were looking after both sons. You decided without telling her that you were then only going to stay aware of the 8 year old. You should have asked her to take charge of the 5 year old. You didn't. So she assumed you knew you were still responsible for both.
applebum8807
ESH. Both of your communication skills are terrible. Sure, she should have said something but at the same time the 5 year old was currently being watched by you so playing with a VR headset at that moment was not smart, or you could have asked if she could watch him instead for a bit while you played.
Ok-Acanthaceae5744
NTA - I'm confused by the ESH voted here actually. When you knew she was gone, you planned accordingly. As you pointed out, it was quite obvious you were occupied with your oldest son when she left the second impromptu time. At that point it is common courtesy to at least inform you she is leaving again.
Out of curiosity, is there a reason she didn't take your 5-year-old or offer a trip for your 8-year-old? Given that she already had one solo outing with your daughter earlier in the day, it seems interesting that she would choose to leave the other children out of a chance of their own outing and ice cream.