'AITA for expecting help at a store? Should I have done something else?'

"AITA for expecting help/ should I have done something else?"

I am a wheelchair user with an assistance dog. I had to shop at a store because there is something there that isn't available elsewhere. My usual carer wasn't available to help. The store didn't have any accessible or "shallow" trolleys. I asked and was told ((shrug)) they hadn't noticed there weren't any.

Note, under UK law, they should make the "reasonable adjustments" of having different kinds of trolleys. Anyway, I asked if, since they had no trolleys, if someone could help me as the items I need are too heavy to lift into and out of a regular trolley. The person I asked got the manager, who said someone would come help.

In front of all the people waiting to go through the busy tills, the lady said "Ok, we will help you...but because of that, all these people will have to wait a lot longer..." I could feel the daggers of all those looking at me. I decided to leave instead, so asked the security guard just to let me out (the doors are one way until you get through the tills).

Then the lady said "don't be ridiculous! It was just a joke hahah!" Can't you take a joke?" I didn't say but... I'm autistic, I don't always "get the joke" but this didn't feel like a joke. Especially to the people looking at me and making unkind comments. Those people who were staring at me and saying terrible things. The looks were k**ing me.

I got the couple of things I needed, then she left me at the tills, where I couldn't get anything in or out of the trolley. A kind bystander helped me and then loaded the items into my car. Later in the town centre, several people spoke to me, or rather loudly to others about me, and a couple were openly hateful and threatening. The English are pretty committed to queues.

Should I accept that it's wrong to need help? If things are set up as they should be, I'm pretty independent...was she really making a joke, and I just genuinely didn't get it? Am I really being an AH for needing help?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Lollipopwalrus wrote:

NTA. That woman was not joking, she just attempted to say it in a joking way so she could pretend she wasn't being offensive. I'm sorry this was your experience. You should not feel guilty for asking for help if you need it.

That shop has a duty of care to their customers and have honestly fallen short of the mark. I would maybe get in touch with their corporate line to discuss your experience - not adhering to laws, better staff training and general accessibility awareness.

OP responded:

Thanks- I feel ashamed that I really struggle to understand this stuff. I end up feeling so muddled and overwhelmed...sigh. You guys have really helped me see it from other perspectives.

DistributionOver7622 wrote:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing help. The only wrong part is demanding help, which you did not do. You asked politely like a grown up should. They did not act like they were very customer friendly and i'm surprised you didn't just leave entirely.

OP responded:

My husband wasn't well. They have a certain kind of pop he really likes, and they have a kind of marzipan he loves. I wanted to get the pop for him.

howlsmovingfiberfarm wrote:

Hi professional caregiver here, absolutely NTA. Times like this I have to bite my tongue from going all Mama Bear, I just have to make my distaste known and pointed. I always let me disabled clients do everything they can for themselves because they’ll ask for help when they need it, and it’s a crying shame that after you tried to do what you could yourself no one would help you.

I hardly think being autistic has anything to do with not getting the joke, there’s no joke to get, there’s just a lot of AHs in this story but none of them are you. Bless the bystander that helped you. And thank your service dog for me, I hope he/she gives you all the love and support you deserve.

OP responded:

Ru is wonderful, and always supports me...he's ace. He sends back his regards, punctuated by squeaks from his new elf toy. Enjoy it whilst the squeak lives!

Junipher90 wrote:

NTA at all, and sorry this happened to you. Some people are just so horrible. I'm in my early 30's and been using a walking stick and wheelchair since my 20's. One day recently my wife was driving the car to a supermarket and pulled into the disabled bay (I have a badge).

Before she could even get out my wheelchair this middle age bloke in the car behind came running up all in our faces over whether we had a badge and the right to park there because he just saw two youngish people and assumed we were miss using the bay. I don't know when people stopped being kind and decent but the world was definitely a better place when they were. 🙂

OP responded:

I've had people say I wouldn't be in a chair if I weren't fat. Sigh. I only ever say something about parking if there is no badge, or if it's blindingly obvious the disabled person is remaining in the car and so shouldn't be in the space at all- and even then, I just try to warn them about the possible fines and ask if they perhaps could move to a standard space- they do it to save 35p.

35p is how much an hour of parking costs. This is a small town...you get to know people, so I know most of the folks who use the marketplace, and you see the same cars all the time, so trust me, I am not making assumptions about people. To have someone who is disabled take your access away because they want to give that access to their fit and well companion is really difficult.

The book that comes with the blue badge says you must get a benefit to use it, and that means getting out of the car. We have to share limited resources. But in your case, they had no business- you were absolutely entitled to the space, as you know, and they should hush up when they see the badge displayed.

Asleep_objective5941 wrote:

NTA. I'm in the US, but it doesn't matter. They wrong. Not just on a business level, but on a human decency level. What you asked for was more than reasonable. It appears as though she didn't want to move and when she realized you wouldn't stay, she got scared because she knew she was wrong.

I've worked retail many years ago and helping someone was never an issue. Every once in a while someone would call ahead to make sure we knew they were coming. That was nice and courteous of them, but absolutely not needed unless it was going to take awhile (~2 hours). Call the store and tell the manager what happened. If it happens again, report the store.