'AITA for expecting my husband to wake up early for our baby?' 'I'm also very tired.'
"AITA for expecting my husband to wake up early for our baby?"
My husband an I (both 27) had a baby girl this last April. We are both totally in love with her. My husband has a job where he wakes up early (between 3-6 am), and works about 60-80 hours a week.
I take care of the baby, dinner, the house and our pets. Also on the weekend. This week is my final week of maternity leave before I go back to work for 3 days a week. My husband took this week off to spend time with us and rest up from the hectic last couple of months.
I’m still the one feeding in the early morning, because my husband wanted to take this week to rest en sleep in. I asked him if he could take one day to wake up for the baby, so I can sleep in one day too, because I haven’t been able a single day since April, so I am also very tired.
He complied and that was it. The next day the baby was up around 6 am. I nudged my husband and asked if he would see to her. He refused. When I reminded him of my request he said he wanted to do it a different day because "he wasn’t prepared enough now."
This stung me but I didn’t want to argue with a baby crying in the background. I went to give her her paci and went downstairs to prepare her bottle. When I came back he had turned off the baby monitor so he didn’t have to hear her cry. When I took her into our bedroom to give her her bottle, he turned his back on us to once again distance himself from her crying.
Am I the ahole for having this make me feel like I am in this alone. I do all the feeds, all the diapers, most of the baths. I honestly don’t think he has done any of it more than 10 times since she was born 3 months ago. I know he works a lot more than me, but does that dissolve all his responsibility as a father. It is his baby too, 24/7, not just when he feel up to the task. At least that’s what I thought.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
SafeAlbatross3132 said:
NAH, but you guys have to have a conversation. This isn’t a “I work a lot of hours” type of conversation anymore. It’s a “Step up and be a father” type conversation. I don’t care how many hours he works. He’s fed the baby, changed a diaper, and bathed the baby 10 times collectively? With all of it together? That’s insane to me.
If his hours are hindering him taking care of his child, then it’s time for him to find a new job. If you’re a parent and are active in that child’s life, you have to be there. If he has to work these hours to maintain your lifestyle, then you need to rethink your lifestyle and figure something else out.
There’s 168 hours in a full seven day week. Let’s estimate he works 60. There’s 100 hours in the week he isn’t working. If he sleeps 6 hours in a night, then there should be hours where he’s not sleeping and can help with the baby. At least ONE day, he can help with the baby.
attention-off said:
NTA. Caring for an infant is a full time job. 24 hours. While your husband works 70hrs, you work 168hrs. He is very much the ahole, for taking an entire week off work - and not lightening your load even slightly.
NTA. My dad worked 80 hours a week back in the 90s. We have old videos on camcorder of him entertaining me and my sisters on the weekends while my exhausted mom was taking a little break.
HugeSeason6356 said:
NTA. But I don't get how you didn't figure this out before you brought a child into the world. I would honestly be at the point of approaching couples counseling to nip this in the bud. Your husband is already an absent father and the division of labor is inequitable. You need to get ahead of this before it becomes the norm when you return to work.
Ehmashoes said:
NTA - I don’t think that asking to sleep in one day from the entire week he took off is unfair, even with his insane work schedule.
Indy-Lib said:
NTA - an equitable split in this situation would have allowed you to sleep in by now. That you haven't slept in a single morning since April is unfair to you. You will go crazy if this continues. Why does your husband deserve rest and you don't? That is essentially what he is telling you in taking this week "to rest."
Where is your week to rest? How has he earned that but you have not? Not earning the money does not mean you don't deserve sleep. Tell your husband to pick one morning a week that is his starting now.
If he says no, then tell him to pick 3 mornings because that's actually what's fair. You deserve sleep. Neither of you will have enough sleep for the indefinite future, but you can and must share that load.