'AITA for explaining that I don’t lead with financial gestures?' 'I was on a date.'

"AITA for explaining that I don’t lead with financial gestures when I’m still getting to know someone?"

I was on a date with someone last weekend. We went to a chai place that offers some nice snacks. We both shared a kettle of tea and each ordered a sandwich. When it was time to wrap up, the server asked how we’d like to get the check, I looked at her but she just smiled at me and looked at me expectantly.

I requested the server if it could be split evenly because both of us roughly had the same share. I saw her eyes getting a little wide and asked her if she was okay, she said she was fine just caught aback.

I ignored this and continued on. I could sense the shift in her energy and she seemed a bit stand-offish. I kindly bid her goodbye and went home. Later two days later I asked if she wanted to catch up again, she said she really liked me and she doesn’t mind paying for her own food...

But I seemed to give a message by not paying that I viewed her as a friend rather than a potential partner. And that she does expect her date to court her traditionally and pay for the first few dates.

I said that I'm happy to be generous in a relationship, but only when I feel it’s earned through shared effort not assumed because of gender norms. I expected the bill to be received neutrally but didn’t realize I had offended her.

I provide for people I deem worthy of my generosity (obv didn’t say this part to her) but did say that I’ve had relationships before and no ex has ever had a question on my generosity even if relationships ended for other reasons.

And if she viewed me as a “friend” or as a sign of disinterest based on the bill says more about how quickly she expects investment without offering much consideration back, and that dynamic personally leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

She’s free to see other people if she’d like but I am open to hanging out with her again if she can set those assumptions aside. She said she wasn’t interested because I was being condescending.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

NiceRat123 said:

YTA. I don't know. Just something about the way you type does sound a bit condescending and such. Frankly, if you asked her on a date, you should pay. You don't have to go Michelin star on the date and I don't think a chai place for tea and a sandwich is going to break the bank.

donutforget168 said:

What does someone have to do to earn your generosity? Typically the person who invites the other person to the date offers to pay.

Sparklingwine23 said:

YTA, not for wanting to split early dates but for the way you did it. I completely agree that you come off condescending in your explanation. You should have been up front about this or said something like I'll get this if you get the next one or you get dessert, etc. You sound like an a.

Dramatic-Ant-9364 said:

You are a "Cheap Charlie" and most women don't like that. If you invited her to go out you should have paid. YTA! (and a cheap one at that). You should wait a few years to save up before asking anyone out on a date.

Dramatic-but-Aware said:

YTA. By your own account you were the one to ask her out. Regardless of gender, the person doing the asking should pay. If you don't want to pay, don't ask someone out, or at the very least set clear expectations from the get go.

Easy-Sun5599 said:

I'm 100% a feminist in most ways, but when a guy invites me out and then doesn't pay for me, he gets made fun of in the group chat and made fun of. Don't invite someone out to a place of your choosing and not foot the bill. I'm fully open to splitting or switching off after the first date, but damn you're cheap.