'AITA for explaining to my daughter why my niece gets all the attention from boys and the family?'
"AITA for explaining to my daughter why my niece gets all the attention from boys and the family?"
I don't want to rant its just I've had enough of people calling me the AH and I don't know who else to ask. So I (37 f) has a daughter (13f) who we will call Liv. Liv has a cousin (14 f) who we will call Flo. Flo does things like dance and sports like netball and when she was younger did pagents. Liv does nothing but lay in bed and watch anime.
Last night we went to a family meal and Flo was there as well. Halfway through the meal a boy comes over and asks for Flo's snapchat. I should add the people at this meal were me my husband my in-laws and my 2 nephews 2 nieces and my three kids. For most of the meal people were talking to Flo and asking her about all the different things she does and how her mocks went.
When we got home Liv was extremely upset. I asked her what was wrong and she said that it wasn't fair that Flo gets all the attention from boys and the family.
So I explained the reason Flo gets all the attention from the family is because she does so much extra curricular activities and tries hard at school.
Then Liv once again asked about why Flo gets all the attention from boys so I tell her its is because she out effort into how she looks Flo has long blonde hair that she styles, is skinny, does make up and dresses up for and occasion.
Liv has short greasy brown hair that she never brushes, doesn't put effort in to her looks and when we went to the meal she was wearing an anime top with joggers.
So I explain to liv all of the above and Liv got very annoyed at me Then told her dad. My family think I'm in the wrong but my husband and in-laws think I've done nothing wrong. So AITA?
EDIT: I've seen multiple comments saying it's my fault she doesn't wash and only watched anime but I always tell her to shower but I've recently found out that she turns on the shower but doesn't get in it so I can't physically push her into the shower.
And, about the anime, I don't have a problem with is it's just she doesn't do anything she's just on her phone and then I will take it off her and she will watch it on her TV. So, I take that and she will go downstairs and watch it, but I put her in for clubs and she quits before she goes to them.
EDIT 2: Thank you to everyone who has been concerned about liv's MH she is OK we have been to many therapists and paided alot of money to get her checked but she isn't depressed.
Also I should have clarified that the reason people in the family weren't talking to her is because whenever she was spoke to she told the people who spoke to her to either "stfu" or "f off" so they gave up.
UPDATE: I spoke to liv today and apologised for if I hurt her with what I said I asked her whatbshe was interested in and if she wanted to do anything together. We have now spoken and agreed that she can go to anmie clubs and art classes as she will start to go to them.
About the showers we have agreed that if she doesn't shower when I ask she loses device privileges. She accepted my apology and asked if we can go shopping together so that is what we will be doing tommorow. Thank you everyone for your advice and support!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
b3mark
I think the more important question is: is your daughter OK? Not taking care of her own hygiene, shutting herself away and escaping into anime etc. Sounds like a depression. Or at least the beginning of one. Even if some people are introverts and others are extroverts. I'd be worried. It's a step or two beyond "Tweens, ammirite?"
Is this a sudden change? Was she always more of a loner? Have you and your husband's behaviour and parenting style forced her to become a loner? Do you spend quality time with her, bond with her, show interest in her and her hobbies? Because if somebody already had lower self-esteem, only hears about how perfect her niece is, especially at that age? That's bound to have an impact.
(OP)
We do try spend time with her like taking her shopping going to the movies etc but she just complains the whole time. I have taken her to be checked for depression but they said she is fine.
plumbus_hun
Maybe get her into a non sports based class, like art/music/crafting/plants. And go with her, engage, have set aside family time.
offlinesir
You aren't the AH, but this is a weird situation. Your approach seems reasonable to an adult, but you need to see it from Liv's eyes. She may perceive that you are putting her down for bad looks (in which you aren't) because you mention her negative traits.
Nobody wants to hear how they look bad, especially a 14 year old. So Liv may be annoyed because she just doesn't like the answer she got. Sadly there might not be a good answer to this for Liv.
What you said about her hair and looks may be correct, but she won't take your answer seriously because it's not what she wants to hear. She would rather hear that boys aren't attracted to her because of something out of her control, so she can blame that instead.
Also, when you mention things that Liv should fix to took better, talk about things she can generally control. Like "Blonde hair" is something Liv cannot control. To be honest, at that age I would have done the exact same thing, and I also wouldn't have liked such an answer.
Capital-9
Is she in therapy? Not washing is a sign of depression that should not be ignored. Please talk to someone about it.
Pandoratastic
I think you need to be more clear with Liv about what kind of attention Flo is getting and from what kind of boys. These random boys are being drawn to Flo because of her appearance. They don't know her; they just think she looks nice.
They may not have anything in common so these boys might be really annoying or boring to be around. Looking nice is not a basis for any kind of friendship or relationship by itself. Being popular looks like fun but it can actually be really lonely if the people around you aren't actually people you enjoy being with and talking to.