Daughter forced to expose her mother's secret gambling theft to try to save her college enrollment. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA if I expose my mom’s money problems to my dad after she spent my tuition?"
I (20F) have always supported my mom (43F), even financially, and I usually try to understand her side. My dad (44M) works overseas and sends money twice a month for groceries, bills, and school. He usually sends it to my mom, who then distributes it.
Earlier this month, my dad came home after working abroad for six months. He had all our expenses mapped out, including my tuition since I'm an incoming second-year aeronautical engineering student (which is really expensive where I live). He gave my mom around $1,000 for my enrollment fee (and that is like 60% of the whole tuition fee).
What my dad didn’t know was that I still had a $350 balance from my previous semester. My mom used part of the $1,000 for that balance, and I agreed not to tell my dad because I trusted she'd figure out a way to cover the rest.
Fast forward to last week: I finished my documents, reserved my enrollment, and was waiting for the tuition payment. That's when I found out my mom had already used the remaining money for reasons she won't explain. She’s been trying to recoup it, but nothing has come through. Prior to that, she told me she'll never touch my enrollment money since it'll be hard to recover.
Today is the last day of late enrollment. If my tuition isn't paid by 6 PM, I lose my slot. I've already missed two weeks of classes (including major and lab subjects) and I completely broke down.
I told my mom I'm tired of always having to compromise because she borrows or misuses money. I told her if this continues, I'll have no choice but to tell my dad everything: not just about my tuition, but also about her gambling and borrowing habits I've helped cover up for years.
The problem is, if I tell him, my parents will have a huge fight and he'll never trust her with money again. But I'm exhausted, and now my education is on the line. AITA if I finally tell my dad the truth?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Tell your dad. It sounds like she may have a gambling addiction. Either way, it’s financial abuse imo. Your dad has a right to know what’s happening with their money and to not be lied to.
MinnLovesTheSceneryy (OP)
I actually considered telling him multiple times, but I'm just afraid of what the consequences will be as the last time this happened, they had a huge fight and dad wanted an itemized list of expenses. It was only recently he went lax and this is what happens.
Covering for her is enabling her. If you want to help her, tell your father and both of you can get her into gambling or shopping addiction therapy. Going forward your father and you should be in charge of money.
MinnLovesTheSceneryy (OP)
Already told dad about it, and I think they'll have a long talk once he goes back to our hometown (I study in the city 3-4 hours from there). But yeah he drcided he'd be sending the money directly now instead of letting mom handle it (aside for groceries since my siblings are still young to do so, and he's back to work next month).
First of all im sorry your on this situation. Honestly I know its difficult supporting someone when you know you shouldn't. I've been here. I dont think your mom will pay until thd deadline. And even if she will what about next semester? Or something else important.
Your nta for telling your dad but your one for not telling him sooner. If he finds out you covered for your mom he might be mad at you too. ( rightly so). Be completely honest to him and prepare for a changed relationship with both parents.
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hello again and I do apologize if it took a while for the update. First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for their responses as it helped me see that my mom's behavior should have never been allowed to continue. I fully accept the criticisms about me and I know my wrongdoings.
Second, I told my dad about the situation, and while he was mad at first for me not telling him earlier (well, not the angry type but disappointed type), he managed to find a way to secure the funds for my tuition fee.
I also managed to get enrolled just this Saturday though I missed 2 weeks worth of lessons as well as an assessment. I spent the following days sending emails to my professors so I could catch up.
Dad had a bit of talk with mom through a video call since mom is currently in our hometown while my dad and I are in the city (I study in the city while my dad was here for his documents and medical).
He pressed on questioning her until it was revealed that she gambled the money in hopes of getting a high return to pay the money she owes to various people, as well as return the money that was supposed for my education.
Now, some of you might be wondering why my dad would finance my college. I am actually from the Philippines so culture here is a bit different as there would be parents who would work so they can send their kids to college and my dad happens to be one of those.
Anyway, I also told dad about the money she owed to my friends as well and he found himself questioning why mom would borrow money when he would sent most of his salary to us (which is admittedly more than enough if there had been no loans to pay). Since then, however, my younger sister told me that mom seemed... Down.
Like she has no fight left in her and gave up completely. She was unusually quiet too. I have no idea what else is happening since she hasn't talked to me or dad ever since. I did send a message to my mom explaining why I did what I did and I do ask about her to my siblings since she had deactivated her account.
Hopefully, when she comes here to the city to switch with my dad (who will then look after my siblings before he has to work again), we can at least bring back some of that bond we had before the entire fiasco happened.
Once again, thank you all so much for the kind and warm reception toward my dilemma and I hope that none of you will go through what I experienced.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Sounds like she has a gambling problem and is in deep with people.
Your mother definitely has a gambling problem. She's also down because she knows she has a problem, and very nearly derailed your future with it. She is coming to terms with how much she messed up. I hope she figures it out and starts to improve herself.
You are definitely NTA. Your parents are though. He knew she had money issues and expected her to change without help? Really?
Glad you told your dad and he was able to get the fees taken care of. And please be careful- your mom’s deflated behavior sounds a lot like she’s easing you all into the emotional manipulation used (perhaps subconsciously) by addicts to offload responsibility and harvest sympathy, and nothing changes in the addiction except they work harder to conceal it until you let your guard down.
If she’s truly repentant, she should agree to get help for her addiction. I believe gamblers anonymous and other similar programs are available in the Philippines, do some research and talk to your dad about letting her know if she wants to restore your family’s trust, she has to do some serious work on herself, and it’s not negotiable. Good luck with your studies.
Your mom is "down" because she got caught. Notice she wasn't upset about ruining your life. No, it's that people now know she's an addict. Until she truly apologizes don't fall for the trap.