'AITA for exposing my brother's dirty little secret after he humiliated my SIL?' UPDATED
"AITA for exposing my brother's dirty little secret after he humiliated my SIL?"
Long story short, my brother and SiL are divorcing because my brother couldn’t keep it in his pants. He has made life hard for SiL and has been a disrespectful man baby even though he’s the one who cheated.
Its safe to say my brother and I are *not* on good terms but he was dragging his feet when it came to moving out, stressing SiL out, so I suggested we get a place together. It got a boot up his arse, and with me pitching in with rent he had more options so we quickly found a place.
I arranged for brother and SiL’s mutual friends to help us move. I told SiL to leave everything to us. Go out, spend the day with the guy she’s been dating and when she got back, she’d have the house to herself. I even said I’d pick my niece up from school so she didn’t have to worry about it.
Everything was going smoothly, we were preparing the last load but then SiL came back. I don’t know why, she wasn’t supposed to be back until the evening when my brother and his friends would be long gone.
Now, it’s not that it’s a secret that she’s dating or anything. It’s just that they’ve only been dating a month or two, they’re still in the ‘getting to know you’ phase, they’re not at the stage where they introduce each other to all their friends and family. Those closest to her know about him (her mum, a few girlfriends, me), but not the mutual friends yet.
So it’s a little awkward since they’ve never met him and don’t know who he is, but everyone says hi to him and are friendly, then start chatting with SiL, ask her how she is, how her day was etc.
My brother looks her date dead in the eye and says as loudly as he can ‘Enjoy effing my wife’ as if *she* was the one cheating or something. In front of everyone. Their friends, her neighbours.
Everyone goes silent and just stares at SiL and her date. SiL was humiliated I could see it on her face so I snapped just as loudly ‘Well at least she waited until *after* the breakup, unlike you and *your* girlfriend.’
I guess my brother didn’t appreciate me exposing his dirty little secret, so the confrontation escalated and I said and did some things, some I regret, some I wish I’d done sooner.
Well, SiL is not happy things escalated the way they did. Obviously she’s furious at my brother, but she’s also upset with me. She says I let my temper get the better of me, that I’ve probably burnt a bridge with him and now we have to live together. I shouldn’t have let him rile me up.
She’s devastated that my brother and I have fallen out. I think she hoped my offer to move in with him was a sign I forgave him. But I don’t. I did it to get him out of the house so she wouldn’t have to put up with his BS anymore.
Their mutual friends say I should have handled it differently, more calmly, not made a scene, that I shouldn’t have aired dirty laundry in public. I said he started it. My brother’s best friend said yeah what he did was terrible but I have to understand ‘things are complicated’ and my brother is ‘having a hard time right now’ WTAF.
I don’t care about my brother or his terrible friends, but I’m worried I made SiLs life harder, that maybe I embarrassed her too. She’s really upset and while a lot of it is with my brother, I can tell she’s also unhappy with me too. Maybe I took it too far. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Your brother is really something. NTA. People need to know what he's like.
Seconded. Who does this? Cheat and then get upset when your wife want a divorce like how dare they have a spine and self-respect. Good grief, I'm glad she threw the whole man out.
Middle-Tank-3737 (OP)
Right? He's also the one leaving her for his trashy mistress too.
Wait... so HE left HER? Not the other way around?
Middle-Tank-3737 (OP)
He sure did.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
I talked it out with SiL. The reason she was upset was because she was worried I’d be arrested, like if my brother chose to press charges or something. She didn’t want *me* getting in trouble. She was more worried about me than herself. As always.
She says I gave him ammunition, either to use against me, or to play the victim, or both. She is grateful I stood up for her but wishes I hadn’t been so physical about it. Which is fair.
Also, I found out why she got there early. My brother texted her, said we were at the new place but he thinks he left the oven on so could she swing by to check it? But of course we weren’t at the new flat. We were still loading the van. She wasn’t expecting anyone to be there.
SiL is paranoid about that kind of thing due to a house fire when she was a kid. She won’t even allow candles in the house in case it starts a fire. So he knew she’d come running over. My brother wanted her to come back while everyone was still there. He had been planning to humiliate her.
Oh and her date was there because he noticed a suspicious bruise on her arm. He went with her because he didn’t want her going in the house alone in case my brother was waiting for her or something. So that’s a whole other level of terrible I found out. Not great.
His best friend (we’ll call him ‘Tommy’) reached out to me to talk. Turns out my brother told Tommy that he and SiL had separated but the plan was for them to work on their issues, get some space, and come back and try again, but instead SiL started dating somebody new. Which is 100% *not* what happened.
Now, Tommy didn’t blame or begrudge SiL for it, in his mind that’s what separations are for, but that’s what his comment on how my brother was ‘having a hard time’ and things were ‘complicated’ was all about.
Tommy then said based on some of the things I said during the confrontation that what my brother told him isn’t the full story, is it? I said no, none of what my brother said was true. I told him the truth. Showed him proof.
Originally, Tommy didn’t want to play sides. They all went to school together, and although he’s closer to my brother than SiL, he is still good friends with SiL. He had to think about it for a little while, but decided he is 100% on SiL’s side. He has told the rest of their circle of friends the truth as well.
My brother doesn’t know that they all know. They’re still talking to him but they’ve all agreed that if he ever tries to pull something like what he did on moving day, they will step in.
Oh and Tommy said him and the other guys chewed my brother out for what he did when they got to the flat. I wish they’d done it sooner and maybe more publicly, but it was good to hear he got a stern talking to none the less.
Tommy also apologised to my sister for not stopping my brother and made it clear nobody hates her, nobody blames her, and if my brother gives her any trouble to let them know.
I’m officially moved in with my brother. It’s awkward AF. He won’t talk to me, won’t acknowledge me, but whatever. IDGAF if he ever talks to me again, as long as he leaves SiL alone.
All I really care about is that SiL has plenty of back up. Me. My brother’s friends. I don’t know her date well but he seems like a solid guy. When my brother kicked off on moving day he just took her into the house, didn’t engage with my brother, just got her out of there.
My brother meanwhile hasn’t learned a damn thing, because he lied and told his trashy mistress that he got his bruises from SiLs date (the guy went nowhere near him btw) all so he can keep trash talking SiL and play the victim.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with him. I hate what he’s done and hate that he’s walking around as if he’s the victim. It’s so frustrating that he’s not really faced any real consequences for what he did. But I don’t know what else I can do. But anyway, that’s the update.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Holy cow. He breaks up with your SiL. Leaves her for his mistress. Then decides he's got one last act of manipulative behavior in him. What a champ. That boy ain't right.
Middle-Tank-3737 (OP)
As if hasn't done enough already.
I think you might need to have a long honest talk with your SiL because it sounds like there has been a lot more going on behind the scenes than you realised. That bruise might not be the only one.
And likely it's not the only thing he's done to her. Your brother was willing to take advantage of a trauma he knows she has to manipulate her into playing into his hands. This is insidious behaviour. Honestly it's disgusting.
Sadly, some men get like this. They run off to see if the grass is greener, but get angry that the person they left doesn't sit and wait patiently for their return. No doubt he is not certain of this relationship, knows it is not as meaningful or as long lasting as what he had with your SiL so he wants a way back in.
And she has denied him that (rightfully so!) and now he is angry. Tell your SiL to get cameras everywhere is she doesn't already. And get them for yourself. Document everything.