Grieving ex-wife calls out in-laws for erasing husband's existence after his sudden death + UPDATE
"AITA for exposing my ex husband’s family after his death?"
bordner6262010
I (40F) and my ex husband, Chris (45M) were married for 13 years and divorced in October of last year. On July 22nd he sadly passed away unexpectedly and his family is acting like he never existed.
I decided to wait until after his “memorial picnic” to post about this. Today is September 1st and there was no memorial at this picnic at all so I knew I had to say something about it, below is what I posted.
Monday, July 22nd, 2024 6:18 p.m. I got the call that Chris had passed away and I needed to come pick up our dog. I feel like my whole world stopped that day. Everyone else just keeps moving forward but I'm stuck in that moment, in those words forever.
Chris and I had met and started dating when I was 14 years old and although that initial relationship obviously didn't last, we reconnected as adults and eventually got married and raised our children (his step children) together for 14 years, from the ages of 6 years old and newborn.
When his father passed away in March 2016 he broke in a way I couldn't imagine. Our marriage struggled and we ultimately divorced in October 2023. Despite the dissolution of our marriage our love was still there and we continued to be there for each other whenever the other needed. He was truly my rock.
When I got to his mother's house where he had been living I was told the most awful story of what had happened that day. From what his mother says, she went up to his room around 11 am to see if he was awake and she found him laying on the floor moaning.
Instead of rendering aide, she told him to "get off the floor and go to bed." She left him that way, on the floor, in distress. At 3 pm she came back to his room to check on him and he was still on the floor, moaning.
Again, she rendered no aide and told him to "get off the floor". She left him AGAIN. When she came back to his room at 6 to see if he wanted dinner, he was cold. She admits she didn't attempt CPR because she "knew he was already gone" and her 1st call wasn't to 911 but Chris's sister.
Not even 24 hours after he passed, the family had his bedroom and all his belongings cleaned out of the house. Like he never existed. There's more personal things that I have learned in the last few days that just make my anger towards his family greater but I really do hate these people, especially his mother for what happened.
You'll never be able to convince me that had his mom called 911 at 11 am he might have had a chance and still be here with us. I feel alone in my grief and like I'm not entitled to feel this way because we were divorced.
His family is shutting me and my children out like we didn't exist and there's nothing i can do about any of it. Plans are being made and possessions given away without any consideration to me and my children. I just feel like chris wouldn't have been ok with any of this but his family doesn't seem to care. It's whatever is cheapest and easiest for them.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Curvy_Nathalie
NTA. You are not the asshole for expressing your grief and anger towards your ex-husband's family. Their actions, especially his mother's negligence and their disregard for his memory and your family's feelings, are deeply upsetting and disrespectful. It's understandable that you feel alone in your grief, and you have every right to speak out against their behavior.
CharliAP
NTA, so sorry for your loss. I don't even know what to say about his mother. She literally just left him on the floor to die. Just wow!
pastell_faiiry
NTA Exposing their cruelty was probably the only thing left to do. Their lack of compassion after Chris’s death is unforgivable.
Crazy_Atmosphere53
Omg that's terrible. She could have saved her son. Sorry for your loss.
Bonnm42
NTA what his Mother did was just let him die. That is beyond terrible. Terrible things should be answered for. I’m so sorry for you and your children’s loss.
The OP returned with an update later the same day.
bordner6262010
Thank you everyone for your support and advice, I noticed a couple repeated questions in the comments so i’d like to explain them here. The coroner determined his cause of death as natural due to his mismanaged diabetes.
He had no assets or death benefits to my knowledge. Chris’ biological son is next of kin, he never adopted my kids so they aren’t legally entitled to anything. There was no autopsy and he was cremated 3 days after his death. There was also no funeral. A lot of people keep bringing up that I should call the police or sue her, i’m completely alone on this so I have a lot to consider.
Yesterday, September 1st, was to be Chris’s “memorial” picnic and it was awful. I don’t know what I was hoping for but this was far from it. No pictures, no reminiscent stories, seemingly no tribute at all.
All I could feel was the hatred from his family as Skye (15F) and I sat there ignored. I wish so much for peace from this but I feel that will never happen. I cannot and will not speak for his family but I will miss him deeply for as long as I breathe.
I wish there wasn’t such a huge divide between his family and my kids and myself. I feel like my children and I are alone in our grief because Chris’s family hates me and wants nothing to do with any of us.
We cannot even share our grief or have support in our mourning. I’m a grown woman and can handle their hatred but I wish they would not also take it out on my children. Chris loved them and raised them for 14+ years.
I don’t believe Chris would have wanted any of this and it breaks my heart. I’ll wish forever for just 5 more minutes with him to ask him what really happened. I pray he’s finally at peace and I cannot wait to see him again one day.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
CommonWest9387
this is so sad, it’s like his own mother was hoping he would pass. my condolences OP. make sure you put yourself and your children into therapy.
Nogravyplease
You and your children should do your own memorial for Chris, even invite his son if he’s up to it. Make it small, and private. Print pictures from your phones, watch his favorite movies, eat his favorite food, tell stories. His family sounds horrible.
Cheap_Towel3037
I read your first post and this one. Seriously though, after finding out how is own mother just basically let him die on that floor you really thought she'll treat you guys any different? I'm sorry for you and your family's loss. His mother sounds like a terrible person.
Individual_You_6586
I have no idea what to say, except how sorry I am for your loss! My husband died in an accident in 2016, and we still miss him and still love him. Grief takes time… and it fluctuates. I had such a lot of support from my family, my local community and from my husband’s family, so I can’t imagine what it must be like to be shunned by them.
Maybe seek out a grief self-help group or something like that to talk things over with people who understand? If there’s no village, create a community around you, where you can be yourself and feel what you’re feeling! Best of luck to you and your children ❤️
jadechemicalinsomnia
I am so sorry for your loss he sounded amazing. may I ask why his family hates him so much? I don't understand why they're treating him like this, especially after his death. His own mother literally just let him die on the floor alone. Did they have a falling out or what? I really hope you find solace & he can find peace.
GodzillaUK
I got nothing other than I am so sorry you lost someone you love, and hope you and the little'uns can be there for each other even if it's just a hug now and then to remind you not everyone is as soulless and unlikeable as that horrid woman who left her son to die. Just hug your kids once a day just to let them know you're there, no other reason needed.