'AITA for telling my ex's mom that my daughter and I won't spend the holidays with her?'

"AITA for telling my exe's mother that my daughter and I will not be attending her Christmas together?"

A little backstory: I (29F) have a 7 year old daughter. Her father (30m) Sheldon (fake name) and I have not been together since before she was born. I broke it off with him shortly after I found out I was pregnant. He is a guy that basically only cares about playing video games, whether the WiFi is working, and if he can beat his meat stick to pictures of anime women.

I realized earlyish on that, um, no thank you. We broke up (that was a shiiiiiiiiit show and half) I had my daughter, and after a while I let his mom and stepdad into our lives for my daughter. Flash forward a bit and we all pretty much get along now. It just been my daughter and I for basically her whole life. I’ve never been in a serious relationship in her lifetime or anything.

Every holiday we have spent with Sheldon’s mom and stepdad and it’s been pretty great. His mom is quite a bit overbearing. To this day she still calls me everyday multiple times a day to talk to me about my daughter and to talk about her day. Even though I have told her we don’t need to talk every single day, she still calls and gets upset if I don’t answer. Always with the excuse I’m just checking on my beauties.

Move on to present day and I have entered into a pretty serious relationship with a guy for the first time. So serious that him and I have been talking about moving in together soon. I have been hinting to Patricia (fake name of Sheldon’s mom) that this year holidays are going to be different. That the dynamic is going to change. She told me she completely understood.

Turns out she didn’t. She has been asking me what we should do at Christmas time. I have told her that whenever she is going to do her Christmas, my daughter is more than welcome to come and spend that day with them. I will pick her up and we will do our own thing after that. I told her I would like to start building new traditions and things with my new partner.

She continues to insist that there are no enemies in that house and my boyfriend can come for Christmas. I told her I appreciate that, but it is still super weird and awkward since Sheldon still lives there as well. My boyfriend does not like Sheldon at all. Mainly because he’s a POS father and doesn’t even pay child support like he’s supposed to.

He really has nothing to do with my daughter unless it’s for show in public. Patricia is very upset, though that we will not be there together for Christmas. Would I be the a$$hole for sticking to this boundary?

This is what people had to say to OP:

No-Shock-2055 said:

NTA. You're dealing with an enthusiastic grandma who has loved having her granddaughter in her life. But you also need to have space to build your own life. She's going to be disappointed and hurt either way--I think that's just how grandmas are. Be consistent with your choice to decline the invite but be kind. And good luck!

Fire_or_water_kai said:

NTA. Patricia has to learn and whatever feelings she has are hers to work through. She can be "nice" enough, but if my son wasn't being responsible for the child I care so much for, he'd be getting a reality check. Whatever she's doing isn't right.

You have every right to create your own traditions and it's honestly really considerate of you to let them have a role in your child's life without drama. Thank her for being inclusive and hold the boundary.

OP responded:

I really wish she gave any consequences or anything to her son. He has skipped from job to job and never held one for more than six months in the past seven years. She always brags to me that she is so proud of him for all the things he’s doing whenever he does have a job. And that he is doing so good with my daughter when she is over there.

Meanwhile, I’ve had my same job for five years building my career, pay all of my own bills, and I am the primary caregiver for my daughter. If I have anything negative to say about him then, I’m the bad guy. I honestly don’t know what type of hold she has on me, but I’ve just put up with all of this for the past seven years. The real kicker is Sheldon is so disrespectful to her, but at the same time he can do no wrong.

For example, he defaulted on his car loan so she put it in her name, paid it off and gave the car to him. He owes over $3000 in back child support yet he just bought himself a new PS5 after starting this latest job. And I’m supposed to be proud of him because he’s “trying“.

Exotic-Rooster4427 said:

You need to set firm boundaries and set them now. I would suggest she no longer gets major days. You spend these as a family unit. She can have smaller visits on days around holidays. Be firm. It is going to be ugly before it settles into the new normal.

Lazuli_Rose said:

NTA. Patricia will probably crash out a few times, but hold that boundary. You are allowed to have a life that does not include bending to Patricia's wishes. I agree with others that the phones calls need to greatly decrease in frequency. If she gets upset that you don't answer, tell her she sounds upset so you need to go so she an get herself to together and hang up.

It's going to feel rude, but it's not. She will definitely show her ass because she's not getting her way but that's on her. You can put her on a time out when she acts out.