Mom bans ex's wife from daughter's birthday when she learns of her bullying. AITA? Updated 4X
"AITA for not inviting my ex-husband's wife at my daughter's birthday party because she told me not to?"
Parking_Mission_7544
I (32F) have a daughter (9 going on 10F) with my ex-husband (36M). We divorced when she was 3. He then remarried with one of his co-workers (let's call her M). They also have a son together (6M).
My daughter's birthday is in 9 days. I reviewed with my daughter things for her birthday, like the theme, the cake... Here's the issue: when we were going through the guest list, she looked anxious.
When I asked what's wrong, she told me that she did not want to invite M. I asked her why and she explained to me that M would make weird comments sometimes around other parents/ to her.
For example, when M would pick her up from her dance lesson, she would hear M say things like "That is why I prefer boys, girls only like pink and tutu", calling her a brat, and other things.
She also told me that every time her brother (M and ex-h's kid) would do something to annoy her (like breaking her toys, calling her names, starting a fight), M would always defend her son and punish her every time and say "boys will be boys" or some crap like that.
I asked about her dad and she said that she does that when her dad is around, but he is always in his office so it is like a free pass. Later on, I called her father. He asked for the date of the party (her real birthday is a school day).
I told him that his wife was not invited and I think I was in loudspeaker because I heard M screaming at me saying that I was "destroying her family." So, AITA for not inviting my ex-husband's wife to my daughter's birthday party because she told me not to?
Okay, just for precision:
My daughter's half-sibling is 4 years younger than her; she was born in April, while he was born in March the next year after the divorce (he just turned 6). BUT it is true that we divorced because my ex-husband told me he was in love with M and "wanted to confess."
We have a 50/50 custody. He has a busy job. My daughter explained me she never told me/ her dad that she was scared of ruining her father's marriage because he seems happy.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Forgottengoldfishes
NTA. Ideally you want everyone to get along and have your daughter and her half sibling to have a relationship. But you can’t have that if your husband’s wife is being verbally abusive to your daughter. Dad needs to intervene and insist his wife behaves and gets counseling to address her toxic jealousy of his daughter.
Ipoopoo69
Yeah Dad needs to step in or he's going to risk ruining his relationship with his daughter. Sounds like it's already on that track anyway, but OP really needs to get him to understand this if only for her daughter's benefit.
Only_Lavishness_3271
NTA M should not be invited in your daughter's life at all. You should discuss this with your ex husband immediately. If he is unaware of this, he must know. If he knows and doesn't support your daughter, then he should change or get out of her life as well. This bullying will seriously traumatize her.
LA_grad
NTA. Thank you for defending your daughter’s choice.
Expensive_Fee_6153
Definitely not the A-hole here! Standing up for your daughter's choices shows true support and understanding. It's important to defend what matters to our loved ones. Kudos to you for being a supportive parent! 🙌👏
A little under two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE:"
Parking_Mission_7544
So, a lot happened. First of all, I met my ex for lunch alone. I explained everything that my daughter told me. At first, he was defensive and told me that she was overreacting. I replied that even if that were true, his relationship with his daughter is at risk. I gave him a choice: fix the problem or I go back to court for more custody.
Friday, when I came to pick my daughter up at his house, I talked to her in private, and she told me that her dad spent time with her, picking her up from school/activities, helping her with homework, and playing with her.
M then told me that she accepts not going to the party but still wanted to see my daughter blow out her candles on her actual birthday. She baked a cake and asked her (my daughter) if she was okay with doing it before leaving.
She seemed okay with it, so we gathered around the cake (my daughter, M, ex, and half-brother). When my daughter blew out the candles, M junior decided that the good thing to do would be to smash my daughter's face into the cake....(To be honest, if this was not a kid, I would be in prison.) He and M burst out laughing while my daughter was crying.
M then told her that she was being dramatic and "emotional." We (M, ex, and I) got into an argument, and to my surprise, my ex-husband was on my side, saying that it was not okay.
While arguing, I noticed that my daughter was not there, so I left to check on her. I helped her clean herself, and then we left for my house. I tried to cheer her up, but she was still a little sad.
The party went well, her dad came, and during the party, I told him that I want more custody because of his wife's bullying. So yeah, I will update you if anything happens.
"Precision 2:"
Parking_Mission_7544
Some of you asked questions about my daughter's reaction. My daughter is a really shy and silent kid. Except for me and her dad, she does not talk unless spoken to or if you bring up a subject that she likes. When something upsets her, she just stays silent and cries. It's always been like that and it is what she did. Started crying, went to her room.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
DingLing4
Are you sure that the ex husbands wife didn't egg on her kid, the half sibling, to do this? Instead of apologizing profusely she went on a verbal attack and said your daughter was over reacting. To me this seems she wants to create a wedge in between your daughter and ex husband's relationship, and it seems to be working.
IllustratorSlow1614
Yeah, this whole “I want to see you blow out your candles” thing was a complete set up. If M was genuinely sorry she wouldn’t have even asked for that much from the child she’d bullied.
WatchOutItsMiri
M feels threatened by your daughter, another female, taking attention away from her husband, so she is trying to hurt/punish your daughter and make her feel unwelcome in the home. That way, your daughter will stop wanting to visit, or you’ll step in and not allow daughter over there so often.
Either way, she wins. It sounds like she’s also been encouraging her son to play mean “pranks” on your daughter and break her things because M knows how much it will upset her.
She should be ashamed of herself for her malicious behavior towards her husband’s child. I hope that your ex starts to pay closer attention and sees what she is trying to do and shuts it down before M demolishes his relationship with his daughter.
For what it’s worth, I don’t blame you at all for wanting to rearrange custody after what you’ve heard and witnessed. She sounds like a terribly vindictive and manipulative person, and I wouldn’t trust her around my daughter.
She most likely will escalate as your daughter gets older and becomes more of a “threat” to her. I feel so bad for your little girl in this situation and I’m glad her dad stuck up for her when brother shoved her into the cake, because that was cruel.
Hopefully he continues to stick up for her and puts a stop to his wife and son’s mistreatment of her. In the meantime, do what you feel like you have to do to protect her and thank you for being there for her. She’s lucky to have you.
WavesnMountains
NTA even after all these years, M is still jealous of you and your ex having a child that’s not hers. I don’t know how you stayed out of jail because it would’ve been lights out for M.
Lady_Salamander
NTA. Your ex-husband needs to put M in her place and stand up for his daughter. Her rude, and frankly cruel, behavior is now risking his relationship with his daughter. You’re right to protect your daughter from this beast and her horrible half-brother.
The OP responded here:
Parking_Mission_7544
To be honest, I don't entirely blame the kid. He probably picked up that attitude from his mom.
ArsenalSeven
Ex’s wife planted the idea in the kid’s head. She wants husband out of his daughter’s life entirely. Try for full custody.
Eleven days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update 2 AITAH for not inviting my ex-husband's wife at my daughter's birthday party because she told me not to?"
Parking_Mission_7544
Hi! I saw that many of you asked for an update.
*My daughter: After the cake "incident," I asked her questions about whether M/half brother had ever laid hands on her, played such "pranks" on her, or behaved inappropriately (we never know).
She told me no, explaining that the fights with her half-brother are mainly him annoying her. I also inquired if anyone else from both sides had made her uncomfortable in any way, and again, she said no.
Since my last post, she has been seeing her psychiatrist twice a week. The bullying apparently started about two months ago. I don't know if it is related (although I am sure it is), but it was also around that time that M had a miscarriage.
*Me: To be honest, I feel like a terrible mom. I did not see the signs. I am trying to fix everything.
*My ex-husband: GUESS WHO SHOWED UP AT MY DOOR AT 10 PM????
He called me last night, was outside, and said he wanted to talk. I let him in, and because I don't trust him (I really don't), I recorded the whole conversation (with his consent).
He told me that since the party, he's been thinking about what to do and yesterday told M about my desire for more custody. From what he told me, she said that it was not such a bad idea because my daughter was not fitting into their family dynamic.
They started to argue, and at one point, she just started cursing me and my daughter. Apparently, I am a sneaky B-word who is bitter about her affair with my ex-husband. She described my daughter as a spoiled, bratty princess who needs correction.
And now, he has to choose between which woman he loves the most. This is where he had the click! He left the house, drove around, and then showed up at my place. He is going to stay at a friend's house to think about his relationship with M.
Our daughter will stay with me during the week and visit him on the weekends. I told him that if he's going to get back together with M, I am continuing with full custody. But if they divorce,it will depends of his custody for his son because I don't want him around my daughter.
He agreed.
That's it. Thank you for all the support.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
jaethegreatone
You are not a bad mom. The second you found out about everything, you did what you needed to do to protect your child. To me, it always sounded like M was jealous of you and your child and glad to hear she is away from her. Keep protecting your baby Mom!
genocidejoes_gottago
yep, that's a good mom. I feel bad for how guilty she is, but no one is perfect. her daughter is lucky to have a protective parent like that.
AwkwardFortuneCookie
You are right to keep her away from step mom and jr. They will torture your child endlessly and I’m glad your ex is finally starting to see the truth before he lost his daughter completely.
Ladyvett
He should have known by the circumstances how his marriage started that he wasn’t getting a quality person to begin with, now he’s stuck with her in his life basically forever. You will know by his choice if he has anything of worth in him.
A child should never be bullied especially in their own home. If he chooses her over your daughter then you definitely need full custody. You and your daughter deserve better. Updateme!
Three weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
"FINAL UPDATE AITAH for not inviting my ex-husband's wife at my daughter's birthday party because she told me not to?"
Parking_Mission_7544
"Final Update"
Hi again! y'all ask for an update. Here you go :
*My ex-h : Earlier in the week, he asked if he could come by,saying that he had something important to tell me. He told me that last Friday M junior got into trouble at school for cursing at a girl.
Long story short : he confessed his feelings to a girl (the niece of the director), she rejected him. Apparently, he started shouting insults at her that no 6-year-old should know, let alone say.
Because of this incident and our daughter's situation he decided to divorce M. She would be served the divorce papers next week. He is also going to pay M in therapy because he still wants her to have a relationship with their son. We (ex-h,daughter,me) will also be attending family therapy together.
*My daughter : She is happier now, and that's the only thing that matters to me. For the summer I am going to take her to Japan to see my side of the family !
Brooke, if one day you read this, mama loves you more than anything. I am sorry for seeing everything earlier. I love you!!!!!!!
Precision 3 :
I am still going for full custody of my daughter with visitation the week-end. If and only IF M junior's behaviour improves, I will let him and my daughter interact. He (my ex) is going for full custody of his son.
I still don't trust my ex-h. I am keeping my eyes on him, and how he will raise my daughter. I don't know why people would assume that I am going to nice with him. Am I polite? Yes. Nice? No.
I am not going for more custody because he wants his son. Because he recently got a promotion so works more. He doesn't have the time to take care of our daughter on the week days so I take her.
Someone asked me our races (for some reason??). I am Japanese, like my ex-h, and M is white (French). Like I said I am Japanese but was raised in France so French is my first language, than Japanese, than English (sorry for any mistakes)
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Bonnm42
Glad your ex finally pulled his head out of his arse when it came to M!
knittedjedi
"Apparently, I am a sneaky B-word who is bitter about her affair with my ex-husband."
Imagine thinking that "you still think poorly of me because I slept with your husband" is an insult.
Alarmed_Jellyfish555
It's funny because I know a few women in situations like this, where the husband married the mistress but the mother plays nice for the sake of the kids. And every single one of the mistress-wives is obsessively jealous and bitter toward the ex. It just baffles me.
Sunflower-and-Dream
Melissa was teaching her son to insult and harass his half-sister, and then goes all surprised Pikachu face when he uses her lessons on other girls (because mom taught him that's how he should behave with girls who upset him), and it all blows up in her face.
nopingmywayout
There’s a certain kind of insecurity that motivates certain women to chase after married men, and that doesn’t go away even when they “win.”