'AITA for asking my ex for a few extra hours on Christmas because my husband is dying?' + SCREENSHOTS
"AITA for asking my ex for a few extra hours on Christmas because my husband is dying?"
My husband has terminal brain cancer. He was given 12–14 months to live in January of last year. Somehow, he’s still here. He’s doing “well” right now, which in cancer terms means things are stable for the moment, but that could change at any time.
This Christmas could realistically be our last.
My sister and brother are flying in from across the country so we can all be together. And my dad lives a couple hours away. His wife works on Christmas eve. Not for gifts or photos — just time. Time we don’t know if we’ll get again.
I have a 16-year-old daughter with my ex-husband. Our co-parenting relationship has never been great, but it’s usually functional. He’s very “nice” on the surface — polite, calm, reasonable — and people tend to assume he’s a good guy.
My daughter sometimes chooses not to go to his house because she’s often expected to babysit his four younger children (three of them under four). She’s 16. She’s not a nanny. And he doesn't show up for things like her Christmas concert where she had a solo. But that’s a separate issue.
For Christmas, I asked my ex for a few extra hours so my husband could spend time with all of us together. I wasn’t asking to change custody, cancel his holiday, or take the whole day. Just a little flexibility.
His response wasn’t outright no — it was worse. It was a long, polite explanation about schedules, fairness, how much they’ve “already accommodated me,” and how they “just want all their kids together on Christmas.” The accommodations go both ways.
At one point, when I mentioned my husband’s prognosis, I was told that “everyone is dying someday.”
Yes. That was actually said.
I’ll own my part here: I didn’t stay perfectly calm. I’m exhausted. I’m dealing with anticipatory grief, treatments, parenting, work, and the constant fear of what comes next. I am not at my best.
But I can’t shake the feeling that when someone tells you their spouse is dying, and your response is to argue about hours instead of humanity, something is deeply wrong.
So — AITA for asking for grace during what may be our last Christmas together?
Since everyone is asking. Here is the link to the screenshots. Hopefully this doesn't get me trouble.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
So what does your daughter want to do? At 16 she certainly has agency over what she does. I know kids that got to the teen years and just say "no" because they want to be with friends or whatever reason teenagers have. I mean don't put the burden on her but at least ask her what she wants to do.
This is the answer. While it’s not set in stone, most courts will not fight what a kid wants after the age of about 12. If the daughter doesn’t want to go, she can refuse.
Your daughter is 16. What does she want?
You mentioned in the comments that he has her for Christmas Day. Make all of 12/24 your Christmas. Do everything that you would have done on the 25th. Start in the morning. You will feel 100% better if you make this a fabulous Christmas for your husband. I'm sorry that your ex is a turd.
Beneficial-Medium628 (OP)
It's just that everyone won't be there. But we will make the best of what we can.
That's OK. Tell them your plans, give them the opportunity to change their arrival times - but whether they can come early or not, Christmas Morning is on the 24th and it is going to be wonderful!
I am not facing any of the challenges that you are, but because of multiple family obligations, the Christmas I care about (my nuclear family plus daughter-in-law and grandchild) is happening on the 23rd. I am all in and as far as I am concerned that is when Christmas is happening!
He's your ex. You can beg the devil for mercy but you're a fool if you think he'll give it to you.
Even if you don't get the extra time, let your daughter know that once she is 18, she never has to be the babysitter again. No one, not the judge, not the father, not even you, can force your daughter to go somewhere she doesn't want to be once she is legally an adult. NTA. And I am praying for a Christmas miracle for you, your husband and the entire family.
NTA for asking for grace and accommodation. Would be worth highlighting to your lawyer how your daughter is expected to perform free labor while the ex doesn’t show up for her in her big moments, and asking the judge to evaluate if she should be going over there if he expects her to be a maid and she doesn’t want to be there…
NTA. You're not the AH for asking. His response was a little rude. But what does your court documents say? If your Ex is sticking to the rules, you should follow your custody/visitation.
Also, talk to your daughter about boundaries, including the fact that she doesn't have to babysit if she doesn't want to. And let her know she can call you anytime and you'll come get her.
NTA asking for a few extra hours so she can spend time with her dying stepdad for the holidays isn't unreasonable. He will have other Christmases, your husband might not. Denying this, while technically "Fair" legally, is still a pretty messed up thing to do.
I don’t care—and I don’t think it’s even my place—to judge whether you’re being the “AH.” There are moments in life when being the AH is actually the right thing. What I do want to say is how much it sucks that your family is going through this.
Please give yourself grace for how you’re reacting. You don’t always have to respond perfectly or be at your best. You right now is more than enough. Have someone take a million photos (and make sure you’re in them too), and just enjoy your Christmas.