Widow wrestles with guilt and love as romance blooms with late husband’s best friend. AITA? + UPDATE
"Falling in love with my late husband's best friend. What should I do?"
I (28F) lost my husband (32m). He left behind me and our at the time 14 month old daughter. It was very unexpected with no history of mental health or anything. It was traumatic to say the least.
I’ve been seeing a therapist since it happened and although I know the grief will always be there its not nearly as heavy anymore. I feel as if I’m in a pretty good place with it mentally. He made the choice he did and I don’t deserve to live the rest of my life suffering from his decision.
My late husband had a very close knit group of friends that grew up together. We’d all hang out often, go on trips etc. Since his passing they’ve been very supportive and I actually think we’re all even closer now in our shared grief.
One of these friends (31m) is not married and doesn’t have kids so he’s been more available to help out with things. As times gone on, we’ve grown pretty close and text daily. He’s funny and kind and he makes me smile.
Him and my lh had a lot in common in terms of interests but they’re also very different personality wise. He brings a sense of calm and understanding that I never really felt with my LH. He’s also wonderful with my daughter and always has been. So was my LH.
Before he passed my LH would always say this friend needed to find a girl and get married because he’d be a great dad. I think we’ve both had some feelings for each other for awhile now but have danced around the subject.
He finally just came out and said it the other day and asked if I felt it too. We talked about it and both really enjoy each other but are afraid of how it may look. Neither of us want to rush into anything but we both see potential for a future.
I want to give my daughter a father figure one day and some siblings and I know the older she gets the harder it will be to introduce someone. The idea of trusting anyone with her is hard and I trust him fully. Beyond that we can talk about my lh without it being awkward or upsetting and he understands my emotions because he’s grieving too.
I personally feel like as much as I loved my lh he made that decision to leave and I have to move forward and find happiness again for myself and my daughter. It just feels right with him. We connect on so many levels and I already trust him. I also love that he has memories of him that he can share with our daughter.
That being said, we both feel a little guilty for feeling this way. Our biggest setback is worrying about others reactions. Particularly his other friends and my in laws. I know this doesn’t look great from an outsiders perspective. How should we proceed?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
don’t feel bad for how you feel and don’t worry what people think. you can’t help who you love. you’re right - you have to move forward and find happiness, and it sounds like you’re doing just that! wishing you all the happiness!
I am watching it happening in real time with my mom’s boss. Same situation, lost her partner to suicide and ended up getting along great with his friend who came to help 🤷🏼♀️ it happens. Give yourself grace and enjoy this new feeling ❤️
It's actually really common for this situation to happen with a friend or a sibling of the person who has passed. The main thing is to ensure that you're attracted to the friend because you genuinely like him.
And not just because you've bonded over your shared trauma, and he happens to be present. If you had never gotten together with your LH, and you met his friend, do you still think you'd have these feelings? Either way, you've got your answer.
Life is short, grab the joy!
I won't pretend to understand how you are feeling or what you've gone through. For what it's worth, though, I feel like who better to spend the rest of your life with than someone your LH loved and trusted? People are always going to have an opinion no matter what we say or do, so I say do what makes you happy. Of all people, you and those closest to you know how short and precious life can be.
Eleven days later, the OP returned with an update.
Update: We decided to slowly step into being more than just friends and test the waters a bit. He took me out to eat at a nice restaurant this week and we had a great time.
He kissed me goodnight and it felt exactly like a what my heart needed. We don’t plan to rush things and my priority is my daughter. Since she’s only two we plan to just continue like normal with her.
She loves having him around to play with and he loves playing with her so it’s a win win. I talked with my sister in law about it first and she was not surprised nor upset by it.
She said it will be hard no matter who it was but she thinks it’s great that he fits in the family so well. My in laws reacted similarly and just said they ultimately want me to be happy. We haven’t talked about it to friends yet but plan to bring it up slowly.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
You have been Blessed Again... With a Good Man 💝
I cannot imagine the grief she feels. I'm happy that she seems to be moving on at a healthy pace. It's a good thing that she's putting her daughter first. I think all of this is made easier by the fact that her in-laws seem to want what's best for her.
I'm just thrilled that her in-laws are cool about it. Talk about a load off of her mind right there!
I can’t imagine experiencing that when there weren’t previous mental health issues she was aware of. Like how do you contextualize that? It does make me happy that she’s not stuck in the hole of blaming herself.
I just feel bad for the late husband though - saying “he decided to leave,” feels like it minimizes the pain he must have been in. I’m not saying OOP is wrong/bad - you have to find a way to move forward. I just wanted to highlight how evil depression can be and it messes with your rational thinking.
The major point for OP is to be happy now. And I guess her LH wouldn’t be mad knowing it’s one of his closest friend. Go for it, you deserve to be happy!