'AITA for being upset that my family are living their normal lives while I’m dying?'
"AITA for being upset that my family are living their normal lives while I’m dying?"
This story contains discussion of cancer and end of life.
A couple of months ago I 17M felt incredible chest pain all of a sudden and it was really hard to breathe. They took me to the hospital where they ran a couple of test on me and it turned out I had stage 4 lung cancer.
It had already spilled over to most of my organs and body. Somehow it was never caught before. According to the doctors, I don’t really have much time left, and one doctor even told me I’d probably not be alive around this time next year.
There’s also no point in fighting it, so I won’t. At first my parents and family were shocked and sad and were crying a lot for me and didn’t leave me alone for a second. But now they’re all basically just living their lives like usual and like I’m not literally dying.
I’m the youngest of 5 much older siblings and I have a nephew and a newly born niece and my parents are over the moon about her. They seem like they completely forgot about my diagnosis. Dad still hangs out with his friends like usual after work and so does mom, and they’re treating me like how they used to treat me before.
I’ve talked with my friends about this and they say that they’re probably just grieving me already and making peace with it from now so that when I do die it won’t destroy them completely.
They say I’m their youngest child and that they’re probably dying inside and just don’t want me seeing that. But that still doesn’t make it any easier for me. I know they’re probably dying inside because I know both of them really love me and care about me but it doesn’t make it any easier seeing them act like they don’t care and like everything is fine.
My siblings are the same way except my older sister. Se seems genuinely happy with her new daughter I don’t even think she remembers my diagnosis. I haven’t brought this up with them yet and I don’t think I will.
Is it wrong for me to want them to act a bit more worried about me tho? Like I wanna feel like they care about me, you know? I know they’re really hurting inside I just want them to show it more to me.
I’m honestly scared of everything because I feel it getting worse. I’m slowly dying. I’m in pain all of the time and never have any energy. Breathing hurts. I want them to cuddle me while they can before I’m gone.
I wanna feel like the most important person in their lives for the short while I’m still here and not my new niece who they’ll hopefully have for the rest of their lives well after I’m dead and buried. Is that wrong of me to say tho?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Use your words and tell them specifically what you want them to do, because I guarantee, they are also scared and have no idea. They have not become psychic; it would be a kindness to steer them to how you want to spend time with them.
Just-Addition-441 (OP)
I don’t want them to feel forced to you know?😭 I know they’re hurting really bad, dad is one of those old school tough guys who never ever cries in front of anyone yet when I was first diagnosed he was bawling his eyes out and he did it in front of me like 4-5 times.
NAH. Tell them you’re scared and hurting. They probably are too and don’t want to smother you and “remind you constantly” (as though you could possibly forget). Everything really sucks and I’m so sorry, but just talk to your family.
NAH this is scary and no one knows what to do. I'd sit down with your parents and tell them how you’re feeling. I'm sure they just don’t know how best to comfort you and themselves. Please please tell them though. None of you should have to have regrets about how this year goes.
I’m a hospice nurse and while I don’t have any experience with teenagers who are dying, I have had many patients who are dying much younger than their families expected, and I can tell you that denial is pretty common in those family members- they put on a face, act completely normal, and avoid talking about the reality their loved one is facing.
And while it may be completely normal for your family to be exhibiting signs of denial, and to some degree necessary so that they can continue to function on a basic level, it’s also completely valid for you to want them to show you that they are hurting because even if you know intellectually that they must be.
It would be completely natural for you to feel unloved to not see them outwardly express the distress they’re feeling over the prospect of losing you. But I can assure you, as a parent, that your parents are indeed in a living hell. Losing a child is one of the worst things a parent can imagine.
I think it's likely they don't want to burden you with their emotions too much as they probably assume it would be pretty terrible for you, in your last few months for them to be constantly weeping and perhaps it's nicer to live a normal life and those are your lasting memories.
I don't think you're an AH at all for wanting to feel cared for, but I also think you should sit down and have a conversation and just explain how you're feeling because you also don't want to carry on the next however long and feel disappointed.
You need to talk to them and tell them everything you said here. They are probably stiff upper lipping it for your sake. They probably discussed this with each other and thought you wouldn't want them to overwhelm you with their grief, and that you would want them to treat you normally. Or, they are in denial.
You need to talk to them and tell them what you need. That you need them to cuddle you, comfort you, and to spend quality time with you while you are still able. You all would benefit from guidance from a therapist that specializes in families contending with a terminal diagnosis. I am so sorry you are going through this, my heart breaks for you.