'AITA for refusing to reconnect with my family after they cut me out while I was on deployment?'
"AITA for refusing to reconnect with my family after they cut me out while I was on deployment?"
Sorry for the long post but Ifeel like I need some advice on this since I don't know if I am making the right call on this one, any advice would be appreciated. For some back story I am the middle child of a family of 6.
At the time it consisted of my mother, stepfather, older brother, and two younger siblings. Growing up I was always the one who solved family conflicts and sort of the like. At the same time I feel like I wasn't even noticed much in my family.
My parents were never really active in supporting me while in school. I played sports and got good grades but I guess that was just expected of me. I can think of two events they showed for one football game and my high school graduation.
They were late but at least they showed up.I enlisted in the military right out of highschool since I needed some better opportunities outside the small town I grew up in. They didn't even make an effort to show up to my basic graduation.
I didn't mind snce I was kind of used to it at this point.I thought that at least the relationship with my mother had improved at the very least since she would call me every other night and ask about me and talk about home.
I left for deployment in the spring of 2019 and I had let everyone know that I had to go. I would call home when I got the chance and everything seemed fine at first. Half way through my deployment when I called home my mom told me that she was getting a divorce from my stepfather.
She had been unhappy for a while and I supported her decision at the time. I really didn't hear much after that from anyone. I tried calling home a few times after the news but couldn't reach anyone.
I came back around the holidays and still could not get a hold of anyone. I called all their phone numbers, sent letters and even decided to take leave to visit just to find that the house was already being rented out by someone else.
They had very little social media presence and what they did have they must of deleted.My contact information hadn't changed and my phone number is still the same even now. At first I was very depressed but over time I started to feel like I was over the whole ordeal.
I got an injury in 2021 shortly before my contact was up which made reenlistment difficult and had to leave. With the whole mess from the pandemic it made it difficult to find work or even use some of the education programs.
I had a little bit of money saved up but nothing substantial to afford living without work. With no safety net like most people have with their parents I had to couch surf until I found work and could afford to rent an apartment with a friend of mine.
It was last year when I received the first call from an unknown number from the same area code as back home. I didn't pick up the first time but they called back right away. I picked up our of curiosity just to hear the voice of my mother on the other end of the line.
Maybe I should've felt something but I felt indifferent. She didn't really asked me how I'd been or apologized for disappearing without so much as a letter or a text. She said the divorce was messy and that everyone had to get new phone numbers and lost my contact information.
I really didn't buy it to be honest. Then immediately asked if I could send money since they were in a pinch and needed to pay the bills. I got mad and hung up. She called a few more times but I didn't pick up.
A few months later I got a message from my older brother saying I was being petty and needed to help family and what I should forgive them. I didn't reply. Every once in a while I get a call from my mother, sometimes I pick up and she says that she feels bad for just disappearing but that I should forgive them and try to reconnect.
My siblings have made no effort to contact me since. I did think maybe I was going a little overboard so I started to make an effort to reconcile with my mother at the very least.
I told her that I really didn't trust her since I thought the whole situation was messed up but we could maybe start reconnecting, I was blunt that it wouldn't be the same as before but I would at least make an effort in my part.
I started calling her every two weeks or so the conversations were usually short but I didn't mind since I was still skeptical about any actual change. This continued for a while and I thought that there was progress.
Here is where I think I might be the A hole. Since most of the contact had been initiated by my for the last eight months I started cutting back on it to test the waters. Last month I didn't reach out at all to see if there was actual effort from her side or if it was just to keep up an image.
You see at the end of last month it was my birthday. I wasn't expecting anything grand since I'm a grown adult but at least a text would have been nice. It's been almost two months since I last contacted and still silent on the other end. I feel like the cycle is just repeating again and I'm just done. My friends think that I might be overreacting, but I don't think I am.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I don’t believe you’re overreacting or the AH at all. I’ve had to do the same thing with cutting down contacting and I’ve noticed that they only cal when they need something from me.
It could be similar, but if she really was sorry about the disconnect, she’d make it a priority to contact you the same way you were. I’m sorry this all has happened to you and I’m glad you stuck to yourself on this.
NTA. As a mother myself I would never forget to call my kids on their birthday. For your mental health go NC and maybe change your contact information.
"Then immediately asked if I could send money" Theeeeere you go. That's all you need to know. That's the perfect example that actions do speak more than words. They can talk all they want about wanting to reconnect, that "FaMiLy MaTtErS", the truth is they cut contact with you while you were on deployment and only reached out when they needed money.
Your mom probably entertained your calls, without putting any efforts in it, in case you would be willing to give them money, but she probably realized it was a dead end, that's why she didn't bothered doing the first step of calling you. Sorry mate, they don't care about you at all. These people are not your family, block them everywhere and move on. NTA.
NTA. You have a dysfunctional, possibly toxic family. Change your number, create a wonderful life for yourself. Your egg donor didn’t even send a birthday text? I’m so sorry. May all your birthdays be fun!
bruv she vanished like Houdini then pops up askin for cash? nahhh. they ain’t lost ur number, they just lost interest when u weren’t useful to ‘em. ur not a bank or a backup plan. NTA at all!!!!
NTA. As a mom this whole story is incredibly sad to read. I can't imagine abandoning my child in this fashion. Do what you have to do to keep your peace. It's ok to cut out toxic people.