Birthday party seating snub becomes final straw in decades-long family cruelty toward immigrant mom. AITA?
"AITA for telling my dad his whole family is dead to me after what they did to my mom?"
I (22F) have always been more attached to my mom (45F) than to my dad (56M), after my teenage years, me and my mom became best friends who tell each other everything.
A bit more context, my mom is a stay at home mom and has no career (because my dad forced her to leave uni when she got pregnant with me) so she fully depends on him and whatever little I give her off my own salary.
No one in my dad's side liked my mom at first, and when she got pregnant with me, everyone in that damn family tried to convince my dad to leave her because she'd only bring trouble or whatever lame excuse they came up with. As you can guess, he didn't listen and that's why we're here 22 years later.
To make a very long story short, my mom tried to set a boundary after my uncle invited us to his kids' birthday party but seated me, my mom and my brother on a far table while the rest of the family got to sit at this large table.
My mom just sent a message saying she deeply respected and loved them but she couldn't ignore the blatant disrespect, and it became a big thing where my uncle and aunt (from my dad's side) insulted her, spun their own narrative to anyone who would listen and ostracized her from their side.
They said some vile things, like how my mom was dramatic and attention seeking and she was a gold digger since her mom is poor and is an immigrant, really disgusting things.
My dad has tried to "keep the peace" by forcing all of us to attend family lunches (I may be 22 but I will not let my mom go alone to this awful lunches, so therefore I'm forced to go too.)
After seeing my mom cry again for feeling guilty at causing so much trouble, I confronted my dad yesterday. After he tried to defend his side of the family, I got all in his face and yelled that his whole side of the family is dead to me and I never want to see their faces again.
I said that he's an awful husband for not siding with his own freaking wife and that, if he continues to force us to attend more family functions, I will go no contact with him.
He hasn't spoken to me since, and my mom thinks I may have overreacted a bit, but I think it's very justified. I'm writing this while blocking and making sure none of his family members can contact me again but I'm starting to feel bad about yelling to my dad, so I need a fresh perspective on this, to be honest.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. I don't see why your mom has to go to this event. They openly don't like her. What's the point of keeping the peace? Is it peaceful if they're actively hostile to your mother? Sure, yelling at your father may not have helped much, but it's a reasonable reaction.
Unfortunately Mom is still financially dependent on that terrible excuse of a husband AND father. 😡
You didn’t overreact. you finally reacted. If he won’t defend the woman he made give up her life for him, someone had to. You just did the job he was too weak to do.
NTA But another way to put this is ask your dad what family is for? Like what his definition of family is? And then say something like "Well my definition of family. Are people who are looking out and care for each other. Look your brother might care about you but he does not care about me or my mother. And well I am done pretending.
You can deal with them like the man you are supposed to be. Because while a father should not let his child and wife get disrespected multiple times and still go back for more. Or well our relationship will basically die. Your image as a man and a father has eroded to basically nothing for me."
Encourage your mom to return to school. Help her move forward towards independence. Your father is not a good husband and it seems like she is just stuck in a terrible situation. If she has to go to another family event, offer to drive her yourself and then take a detour and do something fund for the both of you. Make sure you turn your phones off because they will surely blow up.
NTA. About time your father was called out. He is a horrible husband, father, and human. A decent father does NOT allow even one instance to go toward the mother of his children. By continuing to force relationships with such vile people, he only proves that he is just a vile and a morally pathetic weak loser.
Do NOT feel guilty. He deserved what you said and more. It is too bad your mother cannot escape. I assume you are not in the US where she would be entitled to alimony until she got on her feet. Maybe help her start her escape plan, including garnering skills for independent income. Good job putting him in his place.
Your dad is selfish. He’s enabling the abuse in the guise of keeping the peace. He’s not really doing anything because it doesn’t affect him, that’s how selfish he is, now that you directed your anger at him and yelled at him, now he’s hurt? Well you should yell more. Lol.
If they treat you like a POS, then treat them like a POS. They will surely cry 😂 I don’t get it why people complain when they get treated for being AH, you’re just mirroring their actions. Why it’s always have to be a ‘bigger person’ and let them to walk all over you. You gotta learn to send back the garbage they throw at you.