'AITA for causing a family rift over my nieces/nephews sleeping in my bed?'
"AITA for causing a family rift over my nieces/nephews sleeping in my bed?"
More-Bowl2268
Hello, I usually lurk on this subreddit.
I (f22) live with my parents. I'm the youngest sibling and all my other siblings have moved out a while ago, so it's just me and my parents. I buy all my own food and I do my fair share of housework, and I pay rent.
Back in October, I went on a 3 day trip with some of my friends. When I came home, my bed had food stains and crumbs in it, and lots of my belongings were moved around or on the floor. My parents explained that they had my nephew (age 4) sleep in my room while I was gone.
I explained that I don't mind my nieces or nephews sleeping in my bed when I'm not home but that I don't appreciate coming home to my room being a mess and my bed being dirty. I tried to be as calm as possible but I think it was pretty obvious I was irritated. My parents told me to lighten up and that I am overreacting, and that it's just my baby nephew.
Last month, I went on a weekend trip for my coworker's bachelorette party and once again, I came home to my room being messy, and I even found not one but two very chewed up pacifers in my bed and more old food. I was very annoyed and I told my parents that I'm really not ok with this, and that I wished they'd at least wash my bed sheets after the kids had been in my bed.
They once again say I'm overreacting, they called me a control freak and a neat freak. They even got my sisters involved and said I'm being a baby about my niblings using my bed when I'm not even home. No one in my family is on my side and they think I'm being childish.
This escalated when my sister (f31) called me to talk about the situation. She lectured me and said that it's my parents' house and they can use the space how they like, and she said I'm acting like a spoiled brat. She said that, if I was her child, she'd kick me out of the house. I fired back at her and asked her what on earth I'm paying rent for then, if not for my space. So, AITA??
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
FacetiousTomato
NTA. You pay rent, so it is your space whether you're home or not. If they want to use your bed, they should as first. You can say yes, if they clean up after themselves and wash the bedding, or you can say no. You could even say you're going to put a lock on your door.
However - when people say "I pay rent" sometimes they mean they pay a token amount, like $100/month. If this is you, your parents might turn around and say that if you're going to bring the law into the argument, they want a fair rent.
Depending on how hard you push, they might ask you to leave, and now you're stuck paying a lot more than token rent. I guess what I'm saying is that you're completely in the right here, but is it worth rocking the boat? I would say yes, but your situation might be different.
The OP responded here:
More-Bowl2268
I'm outside the USA but just for the record with the amount I'm paying my parents I could rent a room in a shared apartment/house, it's definitely not a token amount.
FacetiousTomato
Then in your situation I would be pissed off enough to make sure it isn't going to happen again. Whether that is with words, locks, or moving out. Honestly the solution could be as simple as them just promising to wash your sheets after, and an apology.
toxicredox
NTA. Ask your parents why they don't let the niblings stay in and eat food in thier bed, if it's really 'not such a big deal'? OP, sounds like you're going to have to strip your bed before every overnight trip from now on. If your parents think leaving your sheets dirty and food in your bed is "no big deal", then don't trust them with your sheets.
Maybe it's high time you start leaving food bits on the couch, and if your parents protest, tell them you're living up to the standards that they set. If your parents are allowed to leave dirty sheets and food on your bed, then surely you are allowed to leave food and whatever on couches, chairs, etc. Right?
I'm particularly incensed that they called you a "neat freak." If someone had called me that over an individual I didn't invite into my room leavings food in my bed, I would've fired back with, "I'm not a neat freak, you're all apparently slobs who don't know that food attracts bugs and rodents."
I probably would've continued by saying thy clearly don't respect me as a human being if they can't comply with basic human courtesy. In short, I would've blown up big time on all the AHs of your family.
Cyberzombi
INFO what's stopping you from moving out? Would a studio/ efficiency apt. be affordable?
The OP again responded here:
More-Bowl2268
Nothing in particular has stopped me from moving out, I just haven't. I usually get along with my parents and enjoyed living with them as an adult. I'm single and don't spend a ton of time at home as I'm usually working or going out so I guess I haven't had a driving factor to make me want to leave. Don't get me wrong, this situation has had me thinking about moving out and I could afford to.
Strict_Oven7228
NTA.
Where does the nephew sleep when he's over and you are home? Or does he only sleep over when you are away?
As you've stated, you pay rent, buy your own food, etc. That means you should have a reasonable expectation of your stuff/room being left alone. BUT typically situations with family, especially parents, makes it hard for them to accept the change in relationship. If moving out isn't an option, there are other approaches you can take.
Put a lock on your door. This might create other drama though, so only you know if it's "worth it". If you do, I'd suggest a deadbolt style. Strip the bed of sheets so there isn't an easily already made bed for them to let the child sleep in.
Go passive aggressive/petty and set your room up to make it awkward as heck. Buy some cheap dildos, handcuffs, etc and have them placed visibly but "trying to hide" around the room, but especially in your bed, on the bed post, bedside table, etc.
Make it awkward as heck. If they question you, how were you to know they were going to let a child in your room while you were away? Nothing that the child could actually hurt themselves with though, because they are innocent in this. Get a camera for your room (like a nanny cam that's in a teddy bear). Only have it on when you leave, so you can see what's happening.