Bride faces ultimatum to cancel wedding over polyamorous relationship; family says she is 'tainting the tradition of marriage'. AITA?
"WIBTA If I cut ties with my family, after they lured me under false pretences, and staged an intervention 3 weeks before our wedding?"
AdEmbarrassed1415
This is going to be a long story and the background is needed for this. I tend to ramble, so I apologise for the long post but I need some advice as the situation is ongoing.
I (33F) have been in a relationship with my now husband (32M) for 15 years now. We met online and it was a rocky beginning due to being long distance but in the time we have been together, we have resolved any issues by maintaining good communication.
We got married in October after planning the wedding for a year and a half. We had been engaged a little over 2 years prior to the wedding and collectively spent almost £15k on the wedding itself.
We have no kids and up until 2 years ago, we had a dog for the majority of our relationship. We have lived together for around 12 years and share the financial burdens that comes with that. We both went to college and attained Batchelor degrees in our respective fields. He is now a freelance writer for a tech website and up until recently, I was an administrator for a university.
Whilst we have achieved being adults and keeping a relationship together, this past year has been both the worst and best year of my life. I have reached the point where I am on a high dosage of anti depressants in order to control my depression and anxiety disorder. Before, I was coping fine, until everything started falling apart. Key things to note from this year:
I was bullied by a girl in a high ranking position in a discord community. My friend and colleague passed away from sudden bone cancer after going into remission and I had to pick up the workload left behind, all while grieving.
My gran passed away on my birthday after a long battle with Dementia and Alzheimer's. I was betrayed by two people who I thought were friends of mine. One was sexually harassing my other friends and the other was making derogatory comments about others and talking behind my back regarding my lifestyle choice.
Our landlord failed to pay his mortgage and the place we were staying in was being threatened with repossession, so we had to find a new place to live 2 months before getting married. Now for what happened. There's a bit of background too (Sorry!)
I have been an active member of a discord community since September last year and made a lot of friends through this. My husband is also a member of this community and we often keep in touch with people through this medium.
As such, I met a guy, who at first I became very good friends with but I started to realise we were exactly the same. We both realised that we were soulmates and we maintained a completely platonic bond until June when we realised we fell in love with each other.
I should state here that my husband and I, whilst we are committed to each other, have our differences and needs. Not every relationship is perfect, and 5 years ago, we spoke about opening our relationship but we didn't act on it at the time.
It wasn't until this year that, after talking everything out and agreeing on our boundaries, did we officially become polyamorous. So, when my other partner and I confessed our love to each other, I told my husband immediately. I did not want to emotionally cheat on him and it was a conversation we needed to have.
As it turns out, he was very supportive and we both agreed that adopting this lifestyle choice would be beneficial, as we both wanted to get married and experience a married life but since we had been together a long time, we both felt like we didn't want to be locked down with just one partner for the rest of our lives. We love each other so much and we wouldn't want to get a divorce in future.
For 5 months now, we are both in a very happy place, where I am in a relationship with someone long distance, and he is in a relationship with someone close by, who I have met and they have other relationships outside of my husband.
Everything is spoken about and we are both being careful and still spend time together as a married couple would. I love both my husband and my partner. I'm incredibly lucky to have both of them in my life.
We are the happiest we have ever been, and started our new chapter in a positive way. However, 3 weeks before our wedding, things took a turn. I decided to start opening up about the status of mine and my then fiancés relationship. We spoke about it and cleared it with our other partners before telling people.
I told my Mum and whilst she didn't understand it, she supported me because she wanted whatever made me happy. I then told one of my 3 sisters and she was incredibly supportive and asked when I would tell my other 2 sisters about it, but I was hesitant as they might not understand.
It wasn't until the week after my hen night that I received a message from my Mum asking me to come over in a couple days. She told me it was wedding related and she said nothing about me bringing my fiancé. He had a friend over the day my mum had asked for me to come over and I explained this but was told to come anyway.
When I arrived on the day my mum had asked me to come on, the first thing she asked when she opened the door was where my fiancé was, and I told her that I said in messages to her, that he had a friend over today so wouldn't make it. She then pulled me into the Livingroom where I was being looked at by all 3 of my sisters, my BIL and my soon to be SIL.
It was an interrogation, intervention and ultimatum. Key statements from them include:
Cheating with consent. If you leave this house, you're walking out on this family. I'm not coming to your stupid wedding then! Stop treating this as a coming out party.
Telling someone that you are poly, isn't exactly easy. The choice is still, to this day, largely unpopular and frowned upon in the wider society. Whilst its slowly becoming accepted in media and communities, its still a way off from being widely accepted as a lifestyle choice or walk of life.
All I wanted to do, was share a part of my life with the people I felt closest to. I wanted to share how happy this change has made me and my fiancé. We don't keep secrets from each other, but they were shocked to learn that my fiancé and I spoke about it 5 years ago without their knowledge.
My married sister, feels that me getting married and for us to be in an "open marriage" taints the traditional marriage that she is in. That I should be waiting 5 years after getting married to talk about opening it up.
Not that she would have supported that either. She stated that she didn't know whether or not to come to my wedding since she couldn't support a union when we are not 100% committed to each other.
The ultimatum that I faced that day was to cancel my wedding, tell everyone at the wedding that we are a poly couple, or they wouldn't be attending. They also suggested that instead of having a wedding in 3 weeks time, that we should cancel it and have a civil ceremony instead.
My Mum and 3 sisters were my bridal party, and they placed us in an impossible situation. If we cancelled, we would have had to give a reason why anyway to everyone attending, and we would be forced to tell them we are poly, as they'd all be in contact with my family anyway.
If we went ahead with the wedding, without telling people, we would have to answer everyone who'd ask why the bridal party wasn't there. There was also no guarantee any of them would show, after we did what they said by telling everyone. So, when I got home that night, my husband was furious.
We wanted to get married. So, we decided to go ahead with it anyway. We told everyone attending that we are polyamorous and asked them if they would still support our union by coming to our wedding. Everyone we told being friends and other family members, as well as what had happened, were all supportive and the outpour of love and support we received from them, has been overwhelming.
2 of my sisters (one of which was the one I initially told), my BIL and my mother showed up for the ceremony. My mother stayed for the dinner but left shortly after the reception started.
I have since realised that the treatment I received, wasn't right. They claimed they did that because they were concerned about me and they love me. They don't see this way of life is good for me and accused my husband of taking advantage of a vulnerable person, because I've been depressed.
My depression has had nothing to do with my relationships. Its other issues such as grief, workplace stress and betrayal that have contributed to my depression and anxiety.
In the weeks since, I have pondered over this whole situation and I now believe that I may have been controlled. This hasn't been the first time I've been told what to do by them.
Since our wedding, I have been asked to appear before them in person to talk things out, but my anxiety prevents me, I have asked for a videocall as a compromise, however, they are not willing to do things my way, they never have.
I cant ever go back to my mums house. I look at the door and see myself bawling my eyes out, in that wailing sort of way, feeling like you have just lost everything. I shake at the thought of going back there.
They are persistent and stubborn, unmoving on seeing me in person when I felt trapped that day, being told I'd be walking out on my family any time I tried to leave. They threw out accusations and shouted at me, humiliated me and refused to listen to how I was feeling or what I was saying to them. They claim that they are hurting and I should be giving them an apology. So, AITA? Would I be an AH if I cut ties?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
RavenDorkholme
They appear to value appearances over your happiness. You and your husband, and all of your partners, appear to be very happy. Cutting off contact with family is challenging, it also doesn’t have to be permanent. Remember that you don’t need to announce “I am becoming estranged from you!” You can just stop answering and see how it feels.
Realistic-Cable5078
NTA. Your family is trying to control you. Do whatever makes you happy, and keep on that path, as that will lead you to happiness and less anxiety. If family can not be civil with you do to your choices, even though the choices your making do not directly affect them, they don't deserve to be in your life. Wish you the best OP.
CakeisaDie
NTA. Do what makes you happy. If removing your family members from your life makes you happy do that. So long as you are being honest to yourself that whatever you are doing is making you happy. I don't get Poly but it's also not my business so long as everyone is consenting and happy. The best "revenge" is to not give a fuck and be happy. Mute them all and move on.
Equivalent-Gap5844
Everyone deserves to live a life that makes them happy, and unless those decisions are harmful in someway people outside the relationship don't get a say. Your family are putting their opinions ahead of your mental and emotional wellbeing.
They were trying to control you because they disapprove. I hope you go low contact with them and that you and your husband continue to live a fulfilling life, making choices that work for you.