Woman frustrated, says paralyzed sister causes family to ignore all her successes. AITA?
"AITA for what I said? My family won’t let me share any good news because of my sister's disability"
CherryOk1649
I 26F have an older sister 32F who had a tragic accident three years ago that left her paralyzed from the waist down. It's been rough for everyone but especially for her. Our family rallied around her.
Helping out as much as we can and I’ve been there every step of the way because I love her so much. But since the accident. it feels like I don't deserve to have any good things happen to me or at least I’m not allowed to talk about them. Every time something positive happens in my life I get shut down by my family. When I got a promotion at work last year I was so happy and excited to tell them.
I thought my family would be happy for me but when I tried to share the news. My mom pulled me aside and told me to not now because my sister had a tough day. I ended up keeping it to myself.
8 months ago, my boyfriend proposed. When I told them, my mom immediately changed the subject, later telling me that my sister was feeling down about her own marriage struggles. It’s like anything good in my life is an offense to my sister’s situation.
This happened a few days ago. I’ve been saving up for years to buy my first new car. I finally managed to do it and I was so excited. I thought my family would be happy for me. So I decide to tell them.
As soon as the words were out of my mouth the room went dead silent. My mom whispered to me "This isn’t the time. Think about your sister." My sister looked so sad and I instantly felt like the worst person in the world.
I just couldn’t handle it anymore and I said "Can't I share anything good in my life. I thought you’d all be happy for me." No one knew what to say and I left the house. I’ve never done that before. Now I’m filled with regret and confusion.
I love my sister and I never want to hurt her but it feels like I’m not allowed to have anything good happen to me. It’s getting to the point where I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time.
I understand my sister’s life has changed drastically and I’m genuinely supportive and have always been there for her. But sometimes I just want to be able to share my own life too.
I feel so guilty for even feeling this way like I’m being selfish or inconsiderate. Her husband and even my parents share things about their lives freely and no one seems to mind.
But as the younger sister I’m not allowed to share anything good in front of her so I don’t hurt her feelings. I get it. I really do. I understand she’s going through a lot and I don’t want to add to her pain. But it feels like I’m not allowed to have any joy in my life around my family.
Now I know I owe my sister an apology for how I reacted. I never want to make her feel sad but I’m struggling with how to approach my family. I don’t feel like I should apologize to them. And honestly I don’t think I’ll be sharing anything with them in the future.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Far_Quantity_6133
NTA at all. But I’m curious: how does your sister feel about all this? Is she genuinely hurt whenever you share these positive things, or is your mom just being overprotective and jumping the gun?
Has there always been this kind of dynamic between you and your sister to a lesser extent before this? It just seems incredibly weird that you’re the only person in your family who’s not allowed to share good news.
gordonf23
NTA. And you owe nobody an apology for living and celebrating the good things in your life. INFO: Is it only your parents who don't want you sharing these things? Or is it also your sister? Is your sister even aware that your parents have asked you to silence yourself when good things happen?
"Hey, Mom and Dad always tell me not to let you know about anything good that happens to me, like my promotion at work, or when my bf proposed, or when i got a new car, because these things might upset you. I wanted to ask you directly, though. Are you ok hearing about good things that happen to me? Or do you find them upsetting?"
If your sister says she doesn't mind or indeed that she WANTS to hear these things about your life, then you should just 100% ignore your parents when they tell you to remain silent.
If your sister agrees with your parents and says she doesn't want to hear about your successes, then you should honor that request, but you should also start spending WAY less time with your family.
Fun_Milk_4560
NTA. I don't think you owe anyone an apology for expressing your frustrations, it didn't sound like you said or did anything horrible. I would be clear with your parents, your sister may have been in an accident but both their kids are still alive so they should be focused on the positive.
I'm sure all their constant negativity/lack of positivity isn't helping your sister have happy days either. You deserve to share your happiness but let them know if they keep pushing you away and hurting your relationship with them that there won't be one going forward.
CatteNappe
NTA. You have nothing to feel guilty for, and owe nobody any apologies. Hopefully, if they have any sense of decency, what you said gave them something to think about.
If so, long overdue but better late than never. If the fact they've collectively been acting like AHs didn't click, then it's time for you to move on and share more of your life with people who care about you.
lostalldoubt86
NTA- Your sister is married with children but you can’t announce your proposal? Apologize to your sister if it makes you feel better, but you should also explain that your mother takes you aside every single time you announce something positive and tells you how it hurts your sister.
It is entirely possible that your sister has no idea your mother is doing this. Your sister could be offended that your mother is treating her like a child.
TheDarkHelmet1985
I get "golden child" vibes from this post. The part where OP states her familiy and her sister's husband can share but not OP tells me there are different rules for different people. The fact that its always the mom shutting OP down tells me that OP's sister is the favorite and the life changing accident made that unchangeable to her.