Father admits; 'I feel guilty but I'm so relieved that my son has been institutionalized.' UPDATED

"I feel guilty for saying this but I am relieved after my kid is institutionalized permanently."

I feel guilty for saying this but I am relieved after my kid is institutionalized permanently.

I feel like a bad person saying this but here we go. My therapist also advised me to write here so I can feel more free.

I(46M) have two kids, Adam (20M) and Ben (15M). This is about Ben. I wish I could word this differently but since age 1, we could sense something was wrong with Ben. He was always angry at something. Some days he would be an angel but most of the times,he was a wrecking ball. At first, us and his pediatrician thought it was trouble twos but it just continued.

If his brother or a kid got his toy or his stuff, he would beat that kid and bite him/her . He was fired from 4 kindergartens at age 5 and we were at the doors of a child psychiatrist at age 5.

Our journey started with an ODD diagnosis but after the randomness of constant anger attacks,he was diagnosed with IED at age 7. We thought we would have the answers and he would be treated,we were very wrong at the second part.

Due to him having a fame, we have changed the school district (we live in EU, not in US) but it did not change. He still had tantrums and due to this,he has been in severe depression.

It is heartwrenching to see a 8 year old to have depression,they don't have the childish happiness and hope.

We have tried everything,we even had private tutors for him so he could be less exposed to the school environment,we even arranged special education and he has been in really supportive schools for mental diseases but it still continued and at age 10.

Then at age 12, he stole his mom's (my wife still) heart medication (she has arrhythmia) and put himself in a comatose state.

The next four years were hell. We had to send our older son to live with his grandparents at a different city and our house was like a mental health unit. We had a caretaker who lived with us fully and we couldn't use any kind of sharp objects in the house.

At age 14, he wasn't allowed to enter any public building in the town because he tried to beat someone or smashed down a window. He spent more days at a ward than outside. But 3 months ago, he reached to a new level. A judge ordered him to permanently institutionalized at a mental health center.

I wish I could say I was sad but I feel happy. For the first time in 3 months,I feel nothing but joy and happiness. Me, my wife and Adam had a great week together since ages and we had our long-deserved vacation.

I might look cruel but I can't think of anything but relief. I should feel guilty for saying he is governments problem anymore but I don't and it makes me feel guilty. I don't know if I love my son anymore but I feel glad. I am grateful to know he won't be around us anymore. I wish I could feel a little more remorseful but I can't. Maybe this is the thing that makes me remorseful.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top responses:

dfhgyu writes:

This is exactly what happened to me. I actually didn’t know i was diagnosed with ODD in childhood 13 years ago until this August when I had to send my university diagnosis for test accommodations.

The letter from the psychologist basically said that she gave my parents a survey and they said that I was defiant and would did not want to speak to them. What pissed me off is that she basically asked the two people who were contributing to my anger issues.

My parents did not have a great marriage and they finally divorced after 22 years. But it angered me so much that I was deemed defiant and I was heavily medicated because I refused to play the role and act like our life was perfect when it wasn’t.

My parents did a very good job putting up that facade to the other members of the family. Even writing this is pissing me off. I didn’t have ODD, I was a child who refused to play a fake role of a perfect family.

I was a child who was trying to alarm others not everything was fine. Do I have issues with authority now as an adult? Semi. I am in grad school for Criminology, but I do have issues with I individuals who abuse their power. I wish parents would first figure out their marriage before medicating their children.

feassss writes:

Honestly, I'm just glad to hear you, your wife, and A are finally getting a break from all of the craziness you guys have had to live with as a result of B's behavior and mental illnesses.

You and your wife have done everything right from what I've read as far as getting B evaluated and treated...but as you well know, unfortunately, sometimes despite all the doctors and medications, the illness pervades.

I cannot imagine having had to live through seeing your 8 year old son depressed. And then knowing your own child victimized someone else's seemingly carefree and happy 8 year old kid. The stress your family must be under on a constant basis is unimaginable!

Frankly, I think you all deserve this respite from B and should take full advantage of this time to do some much needed (and likely long overdue) self care, healing, and relaxation.

I say "respite" because although he is in placement NOW, once he ages out and becomes a legal adult, his care will likely fall to you and your family again (unless you can find a reason and a way to keep him as a ward of the state permanently).

Only you and your family can determine whether or not you want to continue a relationship with B once that time comes - it's not implausible that much could change for him in the ensuing years and that, once puberty is over and hormones have leveled out, his behavior could change.

It's also not impossible that nothing will change and that his behavior will only worsen and become more extreme. Either way, in order to make the best decisions for B and your family, YOU need to be healthy and in the right frame of mind.

I hope you, your wife, and A all have friends and family in whom you can confide and that they are supportive and loving. Your family is going through a hell of a lot and you folks deserve every ounce of happiness, freedom, and R&R you can carve out of this life, whenever and wherever that may be.

ceanther writes:

I'm a psych nurse and a mom of a kiddo with ADHD/ODD. Starting at 4, we got him into therapy. I was medication resistant at that time (I wasn't a nurse then) but eventually caved. Along the way I learned a lot of ways to redirect my son's argumentative behaviors and figured out he argued all the time but seldom seemed aware he was even talking.

Now, he is 16 and has been on a good med for ADHD for several years and he's generally easy going and a good kid, unless he forgets his meds. Then he's a loud-mouthed argumentative little asshole and gets told to go take his meds. It's amazing the self control he gets just from keeping his ADHD properly treated.

We do get ODD "kids" at my work (the adult unit starts at 18 and they're kids to me lol) and I've noticed that people with ODD, that's not misdiagnosed or used as a blanket diagnosis for a "troublesome" kid, is they're a lot like my son and argue without really being aware of what they're doing.

An example would be they're watching TV and seem totally focused on a show but at the same time they're arguing with you about absolutely anything, could be if bananas or apples were better, doesn't matter. A good way to make them aware if to just say "Hey, [name], is this really something to be arguing about?" And then wait while they "I wasn't arguing" and then think about the past several minutes.

Update:

Multiple parents with kids whom has IED have written and said they have felt the same guilt but after the permanent care,their life quality have been improved dramatically and I can attest to that.

Since that last post, we have been to his institute twice. In first visit he was sedated and we saw him while he was sleeping Though at second visit he wasn't sedated and he was much calmer.

After this, we had a talk with his psychiatrist. She said "Be prepared for the idea of permanent residency."

My wife shred a lot of tears but me and his brother were relieved. A said : "Some of us are not for this world and due to luck, it is my brother. Maybe he will feel happy here one day."

It is not a good update but writing here, it just helps me feel a bit at ease. My wife is still sad not seeing our kid at house, she is grieving Ben's loss in a way. Maybe in the future he will have a sense of normalcy but neither his brother nor me have our hopes high on that.