Father of three tells his youngest daughter; 'I won't pay for your wedding until you're 25.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my daughter I won’t pay for her wedding until she is 25?"

I (M) have three kids and this is about my youngest. I have paid for all my older kids weddings with basically no strings attached. My two older kids are 26 and 28. The middle child is going to have her wedding when she is 27 and my oldest just had his wedding

My youngest is in college and she just turned 20. She has been dating Jim and he proposed, he is 25 and out of school. I am not a huge fan that he has been out of school for two years and is dating a college student, especially when that start when she was still a teenager. My daughter can’t even drink, while he literally have a career.

He proposed and I learn about it yesterday, she wants to get married next summer. I sat her down and told her I will not pay for the wedding. I believe she is too young and that she is still in college.

I told her that I will pay for all of it, if they have long engagements and she is 25. I told her this gives her plenty of time to finish her degree and she will have some work experience under her belt before marriage. Also if they love eachother it shouldn’t be an issue waiting a few years

She was pissed and called me a jerk, my other daughter thinks this is a good call while my son think I am being an AH also.

Let's take a look at some comments and responses from OP:

fghattt writes:

NTA. If I'm not mistaken, the age isn't to do with the number but more the solidity of the relationship... and that I think is valid. Between the ages of 18-23/24 even up till 30 is such a rollercoaster of changes and mentality that people can genuinely want completely different and opposite things as an 18 year old to a 25 year old.

The long engagement is a good way around it, maybe promise that you'll pay for her wedding after she graduates (even before 25) so long as they're engaged until then. It's your money at the end of the day and while you've paid for your other siblings I'm sure their weddings were maybe more thought out and pre-planned with mature/similarly aged spouses.

I think you should try to minimize making your youngest feel treated unfairly while still getting your way, but overall... NTA I believe.

OP responds:

She needs to get her own career off the ground before she she marries. I need her to be one equal footing. I need her to actually have a backup besides him. Not a freshly out of college with no money and has to depend 100% on him. I she truly loves the dude then they can wait for a free wedding.

graoundt writes:

NTA. I concur, if they love each other it shouldn't be a huge deal. Personally, 20 is too young for marriage and all the stuff that comes with it. Your daughter should enjoy college, figuring out who she is, having fun with friends, and traveling. If she 'settles' down now, she may regret it.

How long has Jim and your daughter known each other? Have you asked Jim what his intentions are with your daughter? I know that sometimes, men choose younger women because they want to control them.

You should go with your gut feeling about Jim; it is rare for a gut feeling to be incorrect. And people don't know who a person is until they live with them. Some people are Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, which I have learned from experience.

They act one way in public; once you are behind closed doors with them, it is like a switch flips. Making them wait will give everyone enough time to figure out Jim's intentions and if he has a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde personality.

beant writes:

YTA.. You've shown your potential son-in-law your controlling nature before he tied the knot. It sounds like some boundaries are going to be necessary to ensure you stay in your lane.

OP responds again:

She also has only been with this guy almost a year. I am seriously worried about her dropping out of college if they marry.

crims9 writes:

I won't give a judgement, but I will tell you a story. My sister met her husband in the second year of her college. He was her professor. My parents were against their marriage, because of the age difference and some personality traits that were red flags.

But they knew that she would get married no matter what they thought. So they paid for the wedding (it was a small event, not that expensive). This year my sister divorced her husband.

Because her relationship with my parents wasn't ruined by any ultimatums, she has a support system that allowed her to leave when she decided to do that. Don't ruin your relationship with your daughter. I don't know if you should pay for the wedding, but make sure that she knows that you're on her side no matter what she decides to do.

heatqy writes:

very soft YTA I’m a little on the fence here. Do I believe you have your heart in the right place by wanting your child to have a healthy start to her life and career before she marries? Yes.

But from her perspective does it appear high handed, overly manipulative, and not equal to what you did for your other children? Also yes. You mentioned that your other kids were over 25 when getting married but had you ever communicated that to your youngest or made that a clear expectation?

If not, then maybe a very soft YTA for effectively “moving the goal posts” on her with a previously unstated rule. Your ask is not unreasonable by any means but it’s understandable why she would feel so hurt if you had only just decided on an age restriction. Best of luck

gro9uch writes:

Nah its your money, but realize that 1 - if this relationship does work out long term and they have kids, you have nuked your chance of being a close grandparent.

Do you think he's going to want you anywhere near his kid, dripping poisen in their ears? 2 - if it doesn't work out and he turns abusive, you've taken yoursef out of the equation as a safe place for her to get help.

And 3 - at this moment, you've hurt your relationship with your daughter. Probably permanently. Maybe the relationship works out. Maybe it doesn't. Right now, you're telling a 20yo that she's not a real adult. That she's less than her siblings. Ouch. Good luch bouncing back from that.

5 years isn't a huge gap. My parents are 6 years apart and have been married 40 years.

speaknwo writes:

YTA. She's an adult. You don't get to control her life. Either fund the wedding or don't. Putting weird stipulations on the funds as a means of trying to control her life choices is literally the definition of a gift with strings attached.

You can still have a career while married FYI, I saw your comment that it's not just graduate before she gets the funds, it's 2-3years after that because you want her to have a career. If you're worried about her being a SAHM then be supportive, discuss birth control, discuss daycare costs. But you don't even know if she's wanting kids.

Also, the more you dig in about hating her boyfriend the more she's going to feel like she can't talk to you about him or any issues with him. That's probably the opposite of what you want. Especially if he turns out to be abusive and trying to isolate her.

My friends spoke to me about making sure my partner and I have the same values, that we've discussed long term goals, finances, how we'd handle an accidental pregnancy, etc before getting engaged.

They never once said they didn't like him while we were dating. And honestly that was a lot more effective at breaking us up than a lot of other options. Be supportive, not judgemental.

crimanal writes:

NTA what's the rush. This is a huge gap at their ages. Also, started when she was a teenager and he was an adult! Those are some red flags. Add to it that he is pushing to get married when she is so young. More flags.

I assume you are paying for college or at least part of it. My daughter wanted to move in with her bf when they were in college (same age). I said no. I was paying and I didn't want her to get stuck so young. She understood.

They did end up married and I paid, btw. There is a whole lot not right with your daughters bf/fiancé. It's your money. For college and wedding. My rule would be the same. Live together or get married and the two of them become financially independent including paying for living expenses and school. That's what marriage is.

felinggruch writes:

YTA, you let the cat out of the bag by paying for all your other kids' weddings with no strings attached. Now you're targeting your daughter with strings.

She is going to feel that. It's obvious you resent her and her man, she will feel that and although nobody should have to pay for anyone's wedding, you are now starting a war that will drive a wedge into your relationship with her.

I've said this before I'll say it again. Weddings are just problems waiting to happen. Everyone should do whatever they can to not have weddings. Big waste of money that gets to people's heads with power.