'AITA for not feeding my (crying) newborn immediately after she wakes up?' 'Newborns cry.'
"AITA for not feeding my (crying) newborn immediately after she wakes up? Husband believes so."
My husband and I haven’t been married for long, and we recently welcomed a newborn into our lives. Oftentimes we’re at completely opposite ends with decisions. So this is one of them (we’re yet to find a counsellor) & need a 2nd opinion pls.
As typical with newborns, they don’t sleep for long and wake up a midnight, usually with cries. This was one of those nights, our baby woke up crying - but there’s a bit of a difference in how my husband and I handle it. He’s often put off by her crying and wants to solve the problem right away to avoid the noise or any potential embarrassment.
Sometimes he’d ask, “How are we going to go to this place or this place with a crying baby?” Imo I don’t care - newborns cry, and that’s just part of life. Hubby doesn’t like being the center of attention, but when you have a child, attention is inevitable.
Back to the situation - When our baby wakes up crying, my usual approach is to comfort her briefly, change her diaper, and then check if she’s hungry (which she usually is). The conflict arises when it comes to the order in which hubby and I handle things.
I prefer to let her cry for a few minutes while I change her diaper first, and then feed and soothe her. My husband disagrees with this approach. He said it’s disturbing for a baby to cry consistently, and thinks I should comfort her right away, feed her if she’s hungry, and then change her diaper afterward.
The reason I prefer my method is that if I feed her first, she’ll get sleepy, then she’ll wake up for the diaper change and that means another holding, comforting for longer, staying up longer.
Oftentimes she still gets hiccups, acid reflux, or gagging, by laying her down after a feed. I’d rather avoid all that fuss and put up with constant crying for 5-10 minutes for a diaper change. Hubby doesn’t. I’m not sure if ITA because of this.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Aromatic_Pea_4249 said:
I always nappy changed first for the same reasons you give. However, if he does it his way and you do yours, you're both happy (and he'll learn the better way with experience!) Enjoy your time with your newborn, it really does fly.
dragzo0o0 said:
NTA. Always changed my kids if they woke up and needed changing. Who’d want to lie in wet/ oiled nappies? Clean and Feed was my motto.
ballotwilderness said:
NTA. Your method is logical and based on minimizing disruption for the baby and yourself. Newborns cry, it’s how they communicate, not a sign of trauma. Letting her cry for a few minutes while you handle the nappy change isn’t neglect; it’s efficient parenting.
Your husband sounds more concerned about the crying itself than the long-term benefits of your approach, which might stem from his dislike of noise or attention. While his concerns are valid, you’re the one dealing with the practicalities of keeping a newborn fed, clean, and calm. If he has a better solution that doesn’t result in extra crying later, he’s welcome to step in and try it himself.
BruadarachFaerie said:
NTA. You're doing great, you understand your child and you've got a great system. Your husband isn't either (unless he's being deliberately obtuse), he just doesn't have the same thought process as you do. I'm assuming you've already tried to explain your reasoning to your husband, so I'm not sure what you can do about that, but just know that you are doing great.
redditreaderwolf said:
NTA. If your husband has strong feelings about it he can take over night feeds.
Younggod9 said:
NTA. Your method makes sense, especially considering the practicality of avoiding waking the baby multiple times and managing reflux. While it’s tough to hear a newborn cry, a few minutes of crying during a necessary diaper change isn’t harmful.
Your husband’s desire to immediately stop the crying is understandable, but newborns cry as part of their natural communication, and addressing their needs methodically is important. Counseling might help you both align better on parenting strategies, but your approach isn’t wrong—it’s thoughtful and focused on your baby’s overall comfort.