'AITA for feeling betrayed that my husband loves someone else, when he treats me well?'

"AITA for feeling betrayed even though my husband treats me well and says he still wants our family together?"

Hi everyone, I (32F) have been married to my husband (38M) for 12 years. We met when I was doing my internship at his company while I was still in college. We got married before I even graduated. We have two sons (7 and 5). My husband owns a construction and architecture firm, and we work together. Until recently, I thought we had a happy marriage.

But a few weeks ago, I accidentally found out that my husband is still in love with his ex-girlfriend.I overheard it completely by chance. I was supposed to stay home that day, but I decided last minute to go to the office. When I arrived, he was talking with one of his close friends. His ex had apparently left her husband and was struggling financially.

She had reached out to my husband for help finding a place to live, and he was helping her. Then I heard him say, "My heart still races when I’m around her." I froze. It felt like the air left my lungs. I started crying uncontrollably. Some of our employees saw me, sat me down, and gave me water. Then my husband came.

Later, when I confronted him, he said that when his ex got married, he decided it was time for him to settle down too, and that I was a good match for him at that time. He said our lifestyles, values, and families aligned well. He told me he truly values me and never wanted to hurt me. He said, "I couldn’t marry the woman I loved, but you did marry the man you love.

I didn’t want you to go through the same pain, so I worked hard to make sure you were happy." He also said, "Marriage requires work, but you never had to work for it, because I worked to give you a perfect marriage." To be fair, we’ve never had any major issues.

Our families get along extremely well. We even live really close, which makes childcare easy. We often travel together while our parents look after the kids. But hearing that he’s still in love with someone else broke something inside me. He told me, "You’re the most important person in my life. I don’t want to break our family apart. I want our kids to grow up happy."

Then he said, "I know you’d never leave the kids. If you ever wanted to remarry, you’d want someone who treats you and them well. So why can’t that person be me?" I’m completely lost. Should I stay in this marriage? Can I ever truly forgive this?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Apathetic_Villainess said:

What he said between the lines is that he never loved you but that you were a convenient option he settled for when he couldn't have who he wanted. And that he expects you to be okay with that just because he's never treated you poorly.

But he is treating you poorly because he doesn't see you as a person with agency who should have had all information on the table in order to consent to this relationship/marriage. He effectively lied to you to use you.

Livinginthemiddle said:

He’s stealing your chance to be loved

Significant-Bobcat48 said:

Bro NTA thats insane. He basically just told you he doesn’t love you and that he thinks he does everything for the marriage… this guy sucks.

Immediate_Mud_2858 said:

He doesn’t love you. He never has. He never will. “Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” Jennifer Weiner.

Altruistic-Tea7709 said:

Nta. I suspect that your husband is one of those people who never truly knows what he has got until it goes away. If you break up, suddenly you’ll be the one he was always in love with. That said it feels like he could fall into the arms of his distraught ex mow so there’s that unpleasant issue too.

Personally I don’t think I could stay in that marriage, no matter how hard I tried but there are children involved so I realise it’s not that simple. It’s so rubbish that he sucked you into his deceitful impression of a happy marriage, built a family with you and he didn’t even sound that sorry about it. You are right to feel betrayed!!

And OP responded:

The kids are what I worry about the most. They’re really attached to their father, and right now they have a very happy life. I feel like if I disrupt their stability just for the sake of my own happiness, it would be a selfish decision.