"AITA for feeling like I paid for my own birthday event?"
A couple months ago we (group of 5 girls) went on a 30th birthday trip for my best friend, Anna. I didn’t know the other three ladies very well, but we had a fantastic time! Only major hiccup was that the hotel we’d all pitched in on was awful. I’m talking mold, dangerous neighborhood, weird stains on bed.
Anna was crying, everyone was upset, I offered to book a nicer hotel so we didn’t have to call the trip off. I okayed the price by everyone and even used a bunch of travel points to knock down the price. Basically everyone was going to owe me around $150. It’s been two months and everyone had refused to pay me back or talk about it.
Noting that I have a nice corporate job and they’re more broke and “just can’t right now." I decided it wasn’t worth pitching a fit over $600. Fast forward, it was just my 30th birthday. Out of nowhere they offered to take me out to a nice dinner! I’m recently divorced so honestly the offer felt fun and really lovely of an offer and I said I’d love to.
We went somewhere fancy, which shocked me given what they’d implied about finances, but they picked the spot. We had a great time, they ordered a lot of wine and fancy appetizers. I had my dinner and one glass of wine for reference. At the end I offered that I can pitch in on the check because I’m sure it’s high.
They giddily said that they’ve got it because they decided a while ago to surprise me by basically using the money they owed me to take me out instead. I didn’t really know what to say, and probably said the wrong thing. I basically said “oh… so I paid for everyone for my birthday dinner?”
They got frustrated saying no, it was their money, but yes technically it was the money they owed me, and what an ungrateful thing to bring up. We’re now not talking. Am I being silly for being upset that they used money they owed me like this?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
s_double_c wrote:
NTA. They refused to even talk about it? These ladies are supposed to be 30 give or take? My lord. And not pitch a fit over $600? Girl, times are tough! Everything is expensive AF right now. $600 isn’t like $50 that might “come out in the wash” over years of friendship. F your friends!
OP responded:
I guess I decided to let it slide because Anna is a friend I’ve had since in was like 4. We’re best friends. But I don’t know everyone else very well at all. Maybe a handful of times I’d met them. And $600 didn’t feel worth it to ruin a 26 year friendship. It’s definitely not nothing, but badgering everyone was honestly just not worth all that. Different perspective now, but at the time that was my logic.
Readmedrmemory wrote:
NTA. Are they that stupid, or do they think you're that stupid?
OP responded:
Honestly, and this is going to sound like an inflated ego, I think they think I’m that rich. Which I’m not. But all of them are stay at home wives and their families barely scrape by from the way they talk (they mention it often).
I don’t discuss finances with people I don’t know well, but they all know I just bought an expensive baby horse, recently got my own little condo post divorce, etc and I think they just assumed I had the finances for this to not be a big deal.
Which I guess they’re not totally wrong, I have a great job that I really appreciate but I’m honestly just a really proactive budget person and am really careful with how I spend my money so I can do the things I enjoy. But I think assumptions were made and Anna (who knows my whole life VERY well) probably shared a lot she shouldn’t have.
AardvarkMaster wrote:
NTA. Do you still want them as friends? I suspect you value them more than they value you. But if you still want them as friends, try talking to each one INDIVIDUALLY and SOBER and see what happens. Gauge your value to them as friends from how they respond. I wish you a happy belated birthday. No charge.
OP responded:
Honestly I don’t know any of them super well other than Anna, who’s been a friend for my entire life and one of my best friends. She’s the one I’m most disappointed in. The other ladies I don’t know very well at all so I don’t mind never talking to them again.
One of them, after the party, did say she could pay me back the $150 if I’d be okay with a payment plan (she’s sent me the first 50 already). Which I was totally okay with. I’m mostly upset with Anna.
kurokomainu wrote:
NTA they can't "pay you back" the money by choosing to use it to treat themselves (plus you) to dinner. To pay you back they would need to hand the money over to you and then they would have no say over how it was spent. The only way their plan would work is if they paid you back and you independently decided to use the money to pay for everyone's dinner.
Novel_Fox wrote:
NTA but drop these people, they aren't your friends. They're users. They will do this again and not bat an eye because they have all decided you make more money than them. Maybe you do but that's a them problem not yours. I grew up on poverty and I wouldn't dream of treating a friend like that just because they had more money than me.
Grumpy_Lurker wrote:
NTA. Not only did you pay for your own dinner, you apparently treated them to their meals too. Your friends are way out of line.
owls_and_cardinals wrote:
NTA. That's exactly what they did. I don't blame you for calling it out on the spot. Obviously a more peaceful/peacekeeping thing to do would have been to let it go and just write these 'friends' off but outside of avoiding some potential discomfort that doesn't make a huge difference here and calling this out does not make you an AH.
You aren't ungrateful; you expect to be paid the money they owe you and them deciding, without your knowledge, to pretend like paying you back is a GIFT, is super bogus. You have all the info you need about these people.