'AITA for feeling uncomfortable about my husband's friendship with his friend's wife?'
"AITA for feeling uncomfortable with my husband's friend's wife?"
I am a 39F and my husband 39M has a childhood friend whose wife (let's call her Jane) has been making me feel increasingly uncomfortable. My husband moved to our city 6 months before me due to work, this was a few years ago. During this time, he hung out with Jane and her husband (his childhood friend) on weekends. By the time I moved, they had become close friends.
When I moved in, Jane offered to take me around and show me the area. She took me plant shopping and casually showed me how she shoplifts. I was creeped out and too stunned to speak, thinking I should address this with my husband first. He said she is probably immature and doesn’t understand these things.
Jane often compliments my husband in front of me, saying how he spends quality time with his family and comparing him to her own husband, who she claims never does that. She also praises how well he dresses, while her husband supposedly doesn't put any effort at all.
When I'm home, they don't invite us over but often drop by our house for food and drinks. I have a cook, so it's easy to ask her to make extra. However, when I'm visiting my family alone, Jane invites my husband over for meals even though we still have the cook for him.
Recently, Jane started sending my husband some random home videos of her husband doing silly stuff. No intimate stuff. And I wrote it off thinking she wants to show what his best friend is upto for fun. Yesterday, she called me asking for help arranging clothes and a photographer for her kid's birthday shoot. I shared some references and casually asked her to share the pics once taken.
By evening, my husband shared those pics with me, saying Jane sent them to him. I told him I wasn't happy that she took this as an opportunity to interact with him instead of sending them to me as requested. He said he found it weird too but downplayed it as her being stupid and not understanding boundaries. So am I overreacting?
AITA for feeling uncomfortable and addressing these issues with my husband?
Let's see what commenters had to say.
[deleted]
Have a conversation with your husband about how he needs to step back from this woman. From what you write, she seems to be unhappy and acting out. Your husband might want to talk to his friend and ask if everything is OK with them. Maybe put a bit of distance between the four of you.
The weirdest thing is your husband‘s reaction or rather non-reaction to her shoplifting
Sit hubby down for a very stern talking to. Oh, and never go shopping with her again. She ever gets caught shoplifting, and you're with her. You might just go to jail with her.
NTA. If it were me, I’d have a personal “come to Jesus” meeting with her to set the boundaries.
Just remember you have no authority over her behavior; it’s your husband that needs to stand correct with his boundaries. Speak to him about your discomfort and directly ask him to cool it with her.
OP later shared this edit to the original post.
Edit: First and foremost, Thank you all for all the suggestions and concerns. It was very insightful. Especially the part where you mentioned that someone who can steal things that doesn't belong to them can also try and steal people. Which made so much sense. I am yet to talk to my husband as he is on a month-long work trip and will only be back this month end.
I also want to clarify on few queries asked here. First a little background, about 15 years ago, I was introduced to this huge group of friends by a colleague of mine during my first job. This group instantly took me in and we all became good friends, my husband also was part of this group, and we started dating and eventually got married. Jane got married to his best friend.
About her appreciating my husband. For example, Lets assume me, her husband, her and my husband are having a meal and maybe talking about our day, She would pick on something we are saying and go on a tangent on how her husband doesn’t care of her like that etc. He is a very calm guy and for some reason doesn’t react to her demeaning him and just sits there and smiles.
But it gets awkward when she is comparing her husband with mine. And it is a very common occurrence which I am yet to figure out how to avoid.
Regarding the cook, Somehow few of you did not appreciate me having a cook at all, For that I wanna mention that having a cook in my country isn’t a big deal at all and is very inexpensive, Most of the household who have both people working opt for outside help.
My husband is out for work for about 12 hours a day including commute, Although I work from home full time, My work hours are from noon to late night and I also manager my child’s school and other classes, pick and drop etc. along with this I do not enjoy cooking at all, So I have opted for a cook so that I have one less thing to stress about. And my family is well fed.
I do not want to cut contact with Jane’s husband as he is a good friend of mine and much more for my husband. He is a good guy. But if things escalate then we would not have an option but to cut contact with both of them. Hope this clarifies few stuff, Will share an update on how my discussion with my husband goes. Thank you all again.