'AITA for feeling uncomfortable by my fiancé and his female friend being alone together?' UPDATED

"AITA for feeling uncomfortable by my fiancé and his female friend being alone together?"

my fiancé (m22) and i (f22) have been together for 3.5 years, engaged for 1.5years and im currently 18weeks pregnant with our first child. from very early on in our relationship we established boundaries with one another, what we do and don’t feel comfortable with and agreed to talk to one another if we ever felt uncomfortable about any situations, people and whatnot.

since, we’ve never had any disagreements or arguments, my fiancé has never put himself in any situations to have me question his loyalty or trust. i truly trust that man with my life.

he has been my absolute rock throughout our relationship, through family drama, diagnosis’s, my first trimester (an absolute rollercoaster), past mental breakdowns and so on. we are both always pretty open with our opinions and are both believers in ‘what goes around comes around’.

anyways, my fiancé has a friend cadence (f22-not real name) who recently invited us to her daughters first birthday, we couldn’t make it to her actual party so arranged for a couple of days after when each of our work schedules aligned. i have never actually met cadence but my fiancé has spoken about her a couple of times.

what he has told me so far is that she’s his ex technically, before us getting together he called her ‘hot’ and around the 3 month mark into our relationship she gave him a call to ask him if he could go to her house for comfort as she was upset, he called me first and asked me how i felt about it (at this point we didn’t establish boundaries only a few days after).

i told him i appreciated him coming to me and essentially said that i was uncomfortable with it, that i felt she asked because she just wanted to get intimate in my opinion (i’ve done this before just not with a taken man - asked for comfort, cried on some blokes shoulder for 2s before doing the devils tango).

however i also reassured him that i had no issue if he wanted to have a call with her and talk to her for a bit to calm her down and help her through whatever she’s going through. he completely understood everything i was saying and iterated that he wont put himself in that position - he didn’t end up calling her either.

on to what actually happened the day i met her:

so we arrived and she was standing at her front door waiting for us, straight away didn’t expect her to be wearing practically nothing (see through vest-crop top & booty shorts - i could see everything) honestly let it slide as she’s a single mum, probably had a long day.

she invited us in, welcomed us to park our bums, we both did. she offered beverages, we refused as we brought our own cold drinks (was a hot day). she then introduced us to her little girl who had just turned 1, i said hi and handed the little girl our gift to her (a teddy bear) and my fiancé handed a birthday card for cadence to open.

to my surprise he put in a whopping £30 despite telling me he was only putting £10 in there and bare in mind he only put £20 in our nephews (m11- nephew from fiancés side) birthday card a few days prior. i didn’t let this bother me as it was a conversation to be had in private (im not 100% i know what putting that much in the card means when he said he’d put less in - advice?).

she says her thanks and immediately they both drive straight into their own conversation reminiscing about high school. i won’t lie, the little green monster started peaking through and in the most respectful ways i tried to involve myself in their conversations as i felt so left out.

every time i managed to successfully join the conversation cadence would interrupt me or speak over me and pretty much would push me back out of the conversation. so instead of joining in, i gave her daughter some attention to distract myself from feeling any type of way which worked.

i had a little dance with her daughter to a little radio she had, i played peakaboo with the teddy we got her and managed to make her smile and giggle then she wanted a cuddle and started playing with a necklace i was wearing.

well she must’ve been ready for a nap as she was sound asleep 60s later so i put her down for cadence with her watching over me of course and we all went outside to continue the rest of the visit without disturbing her daughter napping. cadence at this point was then telling my fiancé about her ex and was sharing some rather intimate details about their relationship, then how it ended and so on.

now during this conversation i couldn’t help but notice the nastiest b***h face coming from cadence, i ignored this as it might just be how she looks (i also have a resting b***h face lol)but it kept appearing in the most ‘convenient’ moments.

she earlier mentioned she was struggling to get her daughter to go to sleep so i later wondered if it might of appeared because i managed to do that so easily(?).

anyways, we’re all sat outside and cadence starts talking (again) about her ex telling us in even more detail about what had happened between but this time NSFW details. during this conversation she makes a comment to me about “knowing how good i’ve got it” with my fiancé, thought it was weird.

i replied saying that i know, that i couldn’t wait to get married and see him blossom into the amazing father i know he’s going to be (getting my feelers out if you get me). the ‘look’ then appears again. i took a mental note as im now thinking i don’t really like this person.

i think my fiancé picks up on my dislike/discomfort and he changes the discussion to about baby advice, cadence immediately jumps in and tells us about prams, car seats, different toys, bottles, breastfeeding and so on. side rant now i dont actually plan on breastfeeding, ive done my research and have learned what goes into breastfeeding.

ive spoken to a few different women who have breastfed and have all said that they stopped after a week due to pain, latching and ‘breast deflation’ whatever that means (and so on) and from there decided i didn’t want to put myself through that. its hard enough caring and loving for a newborn, i dont plan on making it harder for myself or my fiancé.

rant over lol she frowned upon my decision to bottle feed, frowned on the pram we’ve picked out, the bottle type we’d be using, even the baby room designs we’ve got planned, literally anything i said she disagreed. my fiancé was taking her advice in, saying about not being physically intimate after birth and so on.

me on the other hand i was not, due to my upbringing i’ve bathed, fed, clothed, nappy changed, overnight babysat and watched over newborns/babies since i was 12/13 (sad i know, happy for it now though) so i know exactly what im doing. the only thing i do need advice on is what formula, wipes, baby wash, shampoo etc to get but cadence was giving advice on everything but that.

so i asked her what she uses for her daughter and listed 3 different verrrryyyy expensive brands and basically scoffed in my face to me even asking that (rude). the look came again and was quickly wiped off to the sound of her daughter crying so she brought her down, handed her a bottle and sat her on her lap.

her daughter then proceeded to pull down cadence’s see-through top almost revealing her ta-ta’s (seriously i didn’t ever know where to look during this whole experience - they were just there). this happened numerous times and she was allowing her daughter to bring her top nearly the whole way down, every, time. during this, cadence was looking at my fiancé with the fattest smile on her face.

then would look at me again with that dirty look i’ve been receiving accompanied with a smile. now a good 30mins after all of this, during a deep convo (i wont go into details about as it mentions a few triggering subjects and my own traumatic experiences).

my partner mentioned that if she needed anything that he was only 20mins up the road (honestly thought sweet but wtf) and she said ‘awe that’s so sweet thank you, i will if i need you’. umm seriously was not happy after that and is probably were i might be the AH.

i truly don’t even know if i even need to mention anything else, this was my entire experience with this girl. her giving me endless dirty looks, making snarky comments, while being kind and non interruptive to my fiancé. then on top of all that making subtle NSFW comments/doing inappropriate things.

don’t get me wrong, there was a good 10mins towards us leaving were she did actually speak to me normally and in a respectful way, taking in what i was saying and vice versa. so i now know she could’ve been like that the whole time and made the decision to not be.

later on when my fiancé and i were alone, i asked him what he meant when he asked if she needed help he’d be there. he replied ‘well if she needs comfort or help around the house or with looking after (daughters name), why?’ to which i said i didn’t feel comfortable with that especially if they’re alone, he did get defensive and was what i felt like was him going around my discomfort by it.

he was saying ‘what if her brother was there’ ‘what if i was just going to drop something off’ ‘if you’re heavily pregnant i wouldn’t exactly ask you to come with me’ and so on. i just asked if we could end the discussion (i knew id see red otherwise)and i just sat there in silence as i needed to get my head around what he was just saying.

the next day i brought it up again, i reiterated that i wasn’t comfortable with him going to her house on his own, he just asked why. i mentioned about everything that happened during that visit, he defended the clothing (as did i for a moment) and mentioned she’s a single mum and probably had her hands full.

i mentioned that while i understand she’s a single mum, i didn’t think it was respectful on her end to wear such inappropriate clothing around her male friend nevermind also meeting her male friends pregnant fiancé for the first time. i said she could’ve covered up a bit more than that.

i mentioned that not only that but she chose not to include me, then all of a sudden as we was leaving then decided to have a proper conversation. he put himself in my shoes and was pretty understanding about it but still disagreed basically saying that if anything was going to happen between them it would’ve happened already.

while i trust this man with everything, i do not trust this woman to not try something with him whether they are on their own or not. if she could be like that in front of my face i don’t expect her to do anything less than behind my back.

i just know if he put himself in a position for something like that to happen and something does happen, regardless i wouldn’t forgive him for it, nor forgive him for allowing himself to be put in such a situation. i KNOW that would be the same decision on his end if i did the same thing.

i just don’t feel like this friend should be needing the help when she’s got family so much closer to her to help her out as well. but AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

MissMonsterMom said:

If he doesn't see how this could be an issue, or chooses to act like it couldn't be an issue I'd be seriously concerned.

Playful_Fly9121 said:

if being there for her is more important than your feelings then he is more welcome to go to her but don't get back to you

And Correct_Wolf1593 said:

NTA. You’re not telling him “you can’t have female friends,” you’re pointing out that this specific woman disrespected you, excluded you, made sexual comments/gestures, and gave you dirty looks the entire visit. That’s not a healthy dynamic, and it’s completely fair to say you don’t want him putting himself in situations alone with her.

You trust him — but you clearly don’t trust her, and that’s reasonable given what you witnessed. Boundaries aren’t about control; they’re about protecting the relationship. If the roles were reversed and you had a male “friend” who treated your fiancé the way Cadence treated you, I guarantee he’d feel the same way.

You’re pregnant, you’ve been clear and respectful, and he should value your comfort over “being the hero” for someone who doesn’t even treat you decently. Stick to your boundary. If he wants to help her, it can be with you present or in a way that doesn’t involve being alone at her house.

The next day, OP shared an update:

quickly to note, this all happened 2 weeks ago, i am now 20 weeks pregnant. i sat on that post for about a week after typing it all out in spare time and just felt so annoyed by the situation thinking i was completely overreacting about it all and badly second guessing myself. im so glad i said f it to myself and posted it anyway.

I feel i should probably answer a few questions that were asked.

1.) My fiancé is not the 1 year old girls father. Cadence’s ex is the father. from what she mentioned he was controlling, manipulative and abusive like really abusive so she got a restraining order, moved house and whatnot.

2.) Her ex being controlling is why i have never met her and why my fiancé hasn’t seen her in nearly 5 years but in contact via text on and off for roughly 3-4 years.

3.) I am certain that if i was in the other seat, he would feel exactly the same way as how im feeling. we’re literally carbon copies of one another, his values are the same as mine, his opinions are the same as mine (usually anyway), things he enjoys are things i enjoy and so on.

‘What’s their story?’ well they went to high school together from 2014-2019, they have apparently were best friends all throughout, he looked after her when guys would harass her and same vice versa. She is technically his ex as well - they got together in high school for a week and according to both it felt weird being more than friends so they called it off.

Since all i’ve heard is that they’ve partied together with their group of friends and shared beds together without anything happening? not sure i believe that, i think they’re both sugarcoating but i really couldn’t care either way. knowing for certain would just carve the path for me to say that i really wouldn’t be comfortable with them being friends at all.

if he even gave me push back for it rather than ease my discomfort, it would be over between us instantly. i have way more respect for myself than sitting back waiting for a man to decide what he wants, if i’m not that first thought i don’t want it. its the same for this situation.

i would like to mention that after posting (literally straight after) i actually spoke to his mother (f51) about this as she knows cadence a lot better than what i do. she’s of the same opinion as me now that she’s up to something. she only knew her to be nice and respectful but hearing all about what happened sent her jaw to the floor.

she stopped me straight away when i mentioned about the clothes and said she was a ‘little slapper’ for even thinking wearing something like that was okay around me nevermind her son. said she (his mum) had 4 kids, was a single mum of 3 for a year and has never ever dressed like that once even around female friends so being a single mum to 1 child is absolutely no excuse.

his mum even went as far to say that if it was her in my position she would’ve taken one look, grabbed his arm, turned straight back around, dragging him home (i love this woman). she said that i have nothing to worry about when it comes to my fiancé but to just kick his backside into gear and make him realise that what i was saying was completely right and understandable.

also mentioned that if she finds out he’s done anything of the sort behind my back that his ding-a-ling would be on the chopping block as she didn’t raise her boys to be cheaters (obviously not literally). this reassured me so much and everything she said really made me then believe there was no overreaction and that i was handling the situation perfectly - same along with all the comments i have received.

now i know im NTA, it makes me feel so much better about “kicking his backside into gear” as his mum enjoyed saying.

(i’ll edit this post tomorrow to let you all know what happens during and after the discussion i’ll be having)

We'll keep you updated!