'AITA for feeling upset that my boyfriend doesn’t invite me to hang out with his family friends?'
"AITA for feeling upset that my boyfriend doesn’t invite me to hang out with his family friends?"
I (20F) have been dating my boyfriend (19M) for a while now. He has a group of close friends who are also basically family friends, and they hang out pretty often. The issue is that he almost never invites me when they get together, and it’s starting to bother me.
I genuinely want to get to know the people in his life better because I care about this relationship and see it going somewhere. I’ve explained this to him before, but nothing has really changed.
Today, he told me he was going to a Christmas get-together with them. Out of curiosity, I asked what they were doing, and he said they were exchanging gifts, possibly cooking a Christmas dinner together, and watching Lord of the Rings. I told him I hoped he had fun, but he noticed I sounded upset and asked me about it, so I was honest.
He responded by saying that sometimes he doesn’t want to hang out with me all the time and that we both need time to ourselves. I told him I completely agree with that and fully support having personal space. However, what hurts is that every time these friends hang out, one of his friends always brings his girlfriend.
When I pointed that out, he said it’s different because they’ve been together for 8 months and everyone already knows her. I then said that the only way people are going to get to know me is if I’m actually invited sometimes. I also told him that if the roles were reversed, I honestly believe he’d feel the same way I do.
I’m not asking to be invited to everything, and I don’t want to take away his independence. I just want to feel included once in a while and like I belong in his life. So…AITA for feeling upset about this?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Lafdasimulator wrote:
NTA. This isn’t about you wanting to be glued to him 24/7, it’s about basic inclusion. If his friends are basically family and one of them always brings his girlfriend, it’s reasonable to wonder why you’re never invited.
Saying “people already know her” is weak when the only way they’ll know you is if you’re actually there. Wanting to feel like you’re part of his life sometimes is not clingy, it’s normal. If he’d feel the same way in your place (and he probably would), that says a lot.
OP responded:
Thank you so much!! This has put a lot of perspective onto our relationship. I’ll tell him this xx
vancitygirl27 wrote:
NTA, I saw in a comment you had already been dating for 2 months officially. What I would say is try organizing a hang out with him and his friends where you two are the ones planning it. I could see him not feeling comfortable inviting you to a hang that maybe others have organized.
Host something together, and see if he buys into that. If he doesn't want to do that, then that's a sign he may not be as invested yet. Doesn't mean he won't get there, some people take time to meld their lives and social circles.
OP responded:
Thank you!!! I’ll try this 100%% xx
AnnualBudget1756 wrote:
YTA, you've been together for only two months. Give him space to breathe and spend time with his friends. Maybe next year. But the passive aggressive pouting because you didn't get invited is a red flag. It is too early for this type of nonsense.
ETA: ...AND going through his PHONE? You are killing this relationship. This is ridiculous. How is the ex-girlfriend not a real relationship because they were only together for 5 weeks, but you are at 8 weeks?
Honey, this is not how healthy relationships work.
OP responded:
I had to go through his phone because he was acting up with me for 4 weeks straight and wouldn't tell me, I found out he got back into contact with a female interest he had before we Met. She asked him to go see her and he replied with ‘you are to far away rn’ he didn’t even mention that he was seeing me at the time.
He then told her ‘can we move this conversation to Snapchat’ so I don’t even know what happened after that. I just know that they had been snapping each other. One photos was of him out of the shower and she replied with a photo with makeup making a sexy face..
Tumbleweedmaterial53 wrote:
He has explained that he doesn’t always want to hang out with you. It’s hard to hear and you have to accept it. So now you can choose whether this is something you prefer in a relationship or not. Of course your feelings are valid and I know it hurts your feelings but his are also valid. Maybe he is just not the guy for you right now.
readergirl35 wrote:
YTA a bit. You don't say how long a while you've been dating but if 8 months is a long time in comparison then it's early days yet to be included in his friend group. It sounds like they've been hanging around each other a long time. Ideally after a few months you'd meet 1 or 2 of them at a casual meal out or event.
Somewhere between 6 months and a year it would be appropriate to start becoming part of the group. The thing is, the earlier and harder you push for that the more alarm bells go off in his mind. Rightly so IMO.
For the most part these things happen organically if the relationship continues to grow. Now if you've been serious for 6 months or more and he avoids mixing any part of his life with yours I'd start wondering why. It doesn't sound like that's the case though.
LiveKindly01 wrote:
NTA. First, you're never TA for what you feel. Second, you're absolutely right, if there is a budding relationship here, you should want to eventually introduce each other to friends/family. What it sounds like is he's not ready - either because:
1 - He's not ready to open that door so that everytime there's a get together you're there...not ready to give up independence, maybe he thinks you'll like one of his friends more?
2 - He might be concerned his friends won't like you.
3 - He's not ready to advance the relationship.
4 - He is not being truthful about something - another girlfriend? afraid if his friends start talking you'll 'find out' stuff he told you isn't true (I played football in HS, I volunteer at the animal shelter, etc)
Has he already met your friends? Only you'll know in your gut when it's been a long enough time that you think he shoudldwant to introduce you. If he disagrees still, then one of the above applies and you need to decide if you're ok being his closeted girlfriend for whatever reason, and decide that's enough, he's either not serious about you, or not respecting your feelings.