'My fiancé accused me of 'basically cheating' by visiting my ex in the hospital. AITA?' UPDATED

"AITA for going to visit my ex in the hospital?"

I (25F) have been with my Fiancé (31M) for a little over 3 years. One of the very first conversations we had about boundaries, expectations, etc when we first started dating was me telling him that I am still friends with a lot of my exes, and I don’t plan on ending those friendships. At the time, he said he understood and it was a non-issue for many years.

Cut to 3 weeks ago, the guy I dated for all 4 years of high school got into a really horrendous car accident. There’s not an imminent threat on his life, but the seatbelt practically sliced him open and he’s been in the hospital for weeks getting surgeries and has been completely bed-ridden. As soon as I found out, I told my fiancé that I wanted to go home to visit him in the hospital.

He flat out said no, and when I tried to have a conversation about it he kept talking over me saying “there’s nothing to talk about I’m saying no.” I got really pissed off and told him you’re not my parent, you’re my partner. You don’t get to just say no and there’s nothing else to talk about. He actually got up and left the house, and was gone all day and didn’t respond to my calls or texts.

So I drove to my friend’s house and spent the night at her place. He didn’t come home until 4am that night, which I only know because he woke me up when he called me on the phone completely wasted to ask where I was. I was beyond pissed.

The next morning, I came home, packed a bag, got in the car, and left, without ever saying a word to him—he was completely knocked out the whole time. I sent him a text saying I was going home and I’d talk to him when I got back, then I drove 4 hours to my hometown and spent the rest of the weekend there.

I went to visit my friend in the hospital and he was very grateful that I made the trip and said it meant a lot to him. I was there for maybe an hour at most, and spent the rest of the time with my parents.

When I came home on Monday, my fiancé and I had another huge fight about it, and he told me that I had basically cheated on him by going to the hospital to see another man. Things have been super tense ever since. I don't regret visiting my friend in the hospital, but I do think I went about it in the wrong way. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

KrofftSurvivor said:

NTA - You didn't go about it in the wrong way and you didn't do anything wrong. But you did find out that when your boyfriend doesn't like something, he feels he has the right to order you around, and when that doesn't work, his coping method is getting plastered.

And then he doubled down by claiming that you visiting your ex in the hospital is somehow cheating on him?? This dude is too insecure to be in an adult relationship.

Antelope_31 said:

Nta. You should’ve ended this relationship the second he told you what he does or doesn’t “allow” you to do. Ywbta if you engage with this person beyond packing up your stuff and making a fast exit. Zero further discussion. He deserves no more of your time, energy, or consideration.

Gather all your other ex’s to help you pack and move. Run and consider yourself lucky you aren’t married already. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 what kind of crazy insecure fiancé would have a problem with you visiting absolutely anyone in a hospital? 🤯

-Nymphetamine- said:

So instead of communicating like an adult, he orders you around, throws a tantrum which he deals with by getting pissed, then demanding to know where you are at 4am?

After all of that - he then says you cheated because you saw your injured ex in a hospital and spent time with your parents. For the absolute life of me I cannot understand why you're going to marry someone heavily insecure, with minimal emotional intelligence, orders you around and throws tantrums. I mean you do you but NTA

MegsyMegsy321 said:

Um. This is an entire red flag factory of problems. Hello? “Visiting another man in the hospital is basically cheating”?????? HELLO?!???!

You both had agreed to boundaries at the start of this relationship and as you said, he isn’t your keeper. What’s he gonna do if you guys had a son together? “You basically cheated on me because you let another man in your womb, no it doesn’t matter if it’s my baby batter that made it, what are you talking about?” Honestly. This guy is out of his gourd, and you need to leave permanently.

He later shared this update in response to some of the comments:

1.) No, my ex and I do not keep in regular contact. That does not mean we are acquaintances. We are friends. I do not keep in regular contact with most of my closest friends from high school, because we are all busy, but I would certainly drop everything to go see them if they were in a car accident and they would do the same for me.

2.) I need to be abundantly clear that I am not romantically interested in my ex. We dated from the ages of 14-18. We are both entirely different people now. That ship has LONG sailed. That does not negate the fact that he was one of the people I was closest with for all of high school.

3.) My ex and I were part of the same friend group in high school. I found out about his car accident the exact same time as everyone else in the friend group. Almost everyone else in that group made plans to come visit him. I am actually the closest person in distance besides those who still live in our hometown.

4.) People keep talking about "past sexual partners" and I'd like to clear that up. My fiancé and I are both waiting until marriage. I have not had sexual experiences with any of my exes, including the ones I maintain friendships with. The ex I visited in the hospital did not take my virginity. My husband will.

5.) My fiancé and I have never cheated on eachother, or had any issues related to infidelity or betrayal of trust. In fact, we have generally had a very strong relationship until this. This whole situation seemed completely out of left field to me.

6.) I drive 8 hours round trip to visit my hometown once a month at minimum. My parents are older and I like to drop in on them often. That is not unusual for me. I drive 15 hours one way four times a year to visit my siblings. I work from home and like long drives.

Then she shared this update on the situation:

My fiancé have talked about the situation since I posted this and agreed with both acted very poorly. Rather than talking things out, we both escalated off of eachother until things reached this point. We are taking some time apart to evaluate. Ironically, I will be going back to my hometown again to stay with my parents. I appreciate the comments and perspectives.