"AITA for expecting my fiancé to 'babysit' his own kids longer than 2 hours while I work?"

I 27f recently started my business back up. I went to college got a degree got licensed etc and started back doing something I love that is extremely profitable. My fiancé has been working for the last almost 2 years while I stayed home with our 2 under 2. (Because daycare cost more than our rent)

Now that the babies are easier to handle I started back working every other weekend when he’s off. To be clear he 27m works full time overnights on 12hr swing shift. He’s off every other weekend and works 3 or 4 days each week. The rest he avoids us like the plague. I have been working with clients and out of the 4 times I’ve needed him to watch them for just 2 hours he’s actually done it one time.

After that he was angry I went over by 15 minutes. And told me more than once now that he’s not willing to keep them more than 1-2 hours alone. He would be fine if I just take 1-2 clients every other week but 15 hours every other week is WAY too much. (Never mind the 16 hours a day I spend with them every single other day. But I guess that’s besides the point since that’s my “job”.)

I’m also expected to clean the entire house alone or pay someone to help me but asking him gets me no where. (And starting nursing school soon as well.) He thinks I’m being unreasonable in my request for him to watch the kids 5p-10:30pm while I work a real job in a business I own. So AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Restless_Dragon said:

First off it's not called babysitting when it's his own children. It's called being a flipping parent. Is there somewhere else you can work because my suggestion would be figure someplace else out you can work. Then just tell him you are going to work and leave.

DVDragOnIn said:

I had a huge blood clot 2 weeks postpartum, blocked blood flow out of the leg and the leg swelled and it was painful and scary. My husband extended his paternity leave so he could stay up with the baby at night and I could lie down and sleep and let my leg heal.

He took our baby out of the house that first Mother’s Day to give me a break so I could nap. He did the same thing on Father’s Day “because a man wants to be with his son on Father’s Day.” A father who takes care of his child isn’t babysitting, he’s parenting. You are NTA here, and I’m glad you have a job so you’ll be less dependent on your fiancé.

K_Bee_12 said:

So let me get this straight… he works a full time job, yet you work a 24/7 job plus a part time job plus trying to go back to school, and he can’t be bothered to help. Never mind the fact that these are HIS kids too. Which by definition makes him more than a babysitter. Tell him you are a PARTNER not a slave.

Sorry but he is the biggest AH. I wouldn’t be saying “I do” to this man child. You deserve so much better. You might as well really just do it all on your own and have one less person to take care of.

And [deleted] said:

I think you already know the answers you're going to get here. Mostly to dump him now that you have a job that pays you to support yourself and the kids. This guy is an immature, irresponsible child who doesn't know what it means to be a partner and a parent. That much is obvious.

He might grow up someday, but I wouldn't hold my breath. His misogyny is deep rooted in his personality and childhood.

What you do with that is up to you.

Update:

We had a very long talk last night which led to my discovery that he was drinking. (Previous history has shown he’s an alcoholic and I’ve only stayed because he quit drinking. He was defending saying he was only having a couple 7. (Probably more and I think I may check. Not that it matters at this point anyways but just fuel to the fire I guess.)) And he was trying to hide it.

I explained how I feel and how I’m not tolerating this forever and he should get that realization quick because the alternative is losing his family. I explained that previous issues while I’ve forgiven him he’s made them a habit so forgiveness just means I’m not angry about them but that I won’t keep letting him hurt me in those ways.

(Such as leaving his family broke down on the side of the road and I had to call my mom and deal with strangers when my van broke down in the dark while he was “getting ready for work” but was standing in the doorway when we got home and didn’t leave for work for 1 more hour after we were home.)

Emotionally I feel numb. Physically I’m drained. I have numerous health issues of which hormones are the top of that because my unmanaged thyroid is wreaking havoc on my body. But mentally I have hardened myself to this craziness already and definitely planning my exit. I’m trying to stay as long as I can stand it so I can get through nursing school or at least most of it.

I want my kids to be set up for success before I take that leap. (I have 8m, 2f, 1m btw. My oldest is from a previous dead weight marriage which gave me the wisdom to not share accounts and has made me realize there’s a reason I keep pushing our wedding out and avoiding it more than he avoids us.)

I have already hired cleaning help and working on finding a sitter. My only hang up right now is that “my” car is in his name only (I wanted NOTHING joint and his truck is in his name only.) and without having work history on paper once I take this leap I’m without transportation unless he agrees to let me have it if I’m making the payments.

I’m on my way out. He just thinks I’m joking I guess. He did say but haven’t you noticed that I did XYZ thing today? My rebuttals were but you haven’t done those things consistently so I’m 2 days when you drop the mask again I’m still shafted. “I’ll prove it to you” yet all he’s managed to prove is that I can count on him. I can trust that he’ll be there for me or the kids.

I can trust that he will keep promises or his word even. So his only meaningful and consistent contribution is his paycheck. 🤷🏻‍♀️ and I’m supposed to think about how lucky I have it y’all! No thank you. I’ll make my own paycheck and have less to do when I’m done working for the day and one less persons problems to manage. ✌🏻