'AITA for considering ending my engagement because my fiancée doesn't prioritize me?'
"AITA for considering ending my engagement because my fiancée doesn't prioritize me?"
firehag
I (28F) and my fiancée (26F) had a disagreement the other day. For Christmas we got 4 tickets to a stand up show, so we invited 2 of our friends to come along, made plans and booked a restaurant before the show.
It is now less than 2 weeks until the show and my fiancée told me that she can no longer go since she’s playing a football match that evening. I got upset since it is so close to the date and I don’t really have other friends that go well with the once we invited.
I said it felt like she wasn’t prioritizing me as this had been planned for 4 months. She got angry at me for being upset and said I didn’t understand and then started saying some hurtful things. I decided to let it go.
Yesterday we had dinner at her parents house and I asked her about an upcoming event for my work (also less than a month away). She told me that she wasn’t going to go to that, as her cousin had invited her to see their new baby and spend the night.
I again got upset and told her she had already said she was going to go and that I had asked to add her to the invitation list. She said that she couldn’t go another day to her cousins as she had work and made it out as I was making a big deal out of it.
When I kept arguing said it might make me look bad at work with such short notice she said something along the lines of “fine I guess I just won’t go see my cousin then”. I am feeling really defeated and she has been cranky with me since, I just feel like it is childish that she won’t just talk to me.
What really broke the camel's back was how she as been short and snappy with me AND the 4 year old boy we foster for a weekend a month, she locked herself away as I gave him a bath, we watched a movie and did bedtime. I feel like if she can act like this not only to me, but also ignore a young child, what does that mean for possible children in our future?
Please give me some advice I’m not sure what to do. I have asked her to talk to a professional but she doesn’t want to. Am I the a$$h0l3 for considering ending this relationship?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
_sseulegii
NTA mate. Get out early. It seems like your fiancée consistently demonstrates prioritizing her wants over commitments she’s made with you. She’s fine canceling on you to do the things she thinks are more important and it’s only going to get worse after marriage.
rlzack
Not just not prioritizing you, but then not communicating that her plans have changed until you bring it up. As someone who has been married for almost 40 years, this is a huge red flag.
Competitive-Week-935
NTA-you already know what you need to do. If she is going to treat an innocent child that way why would you want to be with her.
GPT4_
NTA. It seems like you're being very reasonable here. In a relationship, good communication and understanding are key, and it appears that your fiancée is not showing you the respect or consideration you deserve. Canceling plans last minute and not taking into account your feelings is not a fair way to treat a partner.
It's not just about the canceled plans, but her overall attitude and lack of communication that seems to be the issue. You're in a long-term commitment and it's important to feel heard and valued in such a relationship.
Her behavior towards the foster child is also concerning. This could indeed be indicative of how she might behave around potential future children. It's a tough situation to be in, but remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued and respected.
If you've tried communicating and she's unwilling to change or seek professional help, then it might be best for you to reconsider the relationship. Remember, it's not just about the relationship's duration but also about its quality. It's okay to prioritize your own happiness and well-being. You're not wrong for considering your future happiness.
Difficult-Bus-6026
NTA. If your gf has been good to you for most of the past 6 years and has only recently started to be inconsiderate, try to have a serious conversation with her and ask her if she wants to break up.
If she says no, this should lead to a conversation where you can tell her how you feel and why and she can explain why she's been acting different toward you lately. If, OTOH, she says that she does want to break up, that will be the end of that and you can both move on.
countryboy1101
Very sorry that you are in this situation but what jumps out to me is she is seeing someone else and does not want to spend any more time with you than she has to. Hope I am wrong but when I read what you wrote and the words you used it was the only thing that made sense to me for her change of behavior.
Response from OP:
I saw I made a mistake writing 4 months, I meant 3 months. We got the tickets as a Christmas present from my brother and his wife, who had intended to go with us but couldn’t - so they gifted us all 4.
As for somne people thinking she's cheating, I really don’t think that she is. I work a 9-5 while she works in 24hr shifts, meaning she is off 5-6 days a week. If she was cheating she wouldn’t have to cancel plans to meet an AP. She also shares her location with me and isn’t protective over her phone at all.
I honestly just think she has some issues to work on and might need help doing so, but won’t take that step. She has gone a couple of times before on my request but only once or twice and then stopped even if she liked the psychiatrist.
(She has asked me to go as well, which I did, as I had a parent unalive themselves along with a neglectful upbringing) I think the latter is why this is so upsetting to me, not feeling prioritised. What’s worse is she knows what it was like for me.