'AITA for losing it on my fiancé for cancelling the vegan options at our wedding behind my back?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA flipping out on my fiance for cancelling all the vegan food options from our wedding food menu behind my back?"

My fiance (31 male) and I (25 female) are getting married soon. There wasn't much that disagreed on during the wedding planning except for food. Me and my family are vegans, and there so many reasons why we chose this lifestyle and one of them being that we have a history of health issues. My fiance and his family are the complete opposite. they're hardcore meat eaters which is fine by me obviously.

However, When deciding on the wedding food menu, I wanted to add 4-5 vegan options. My fiance and his mom objected saying it was a waste of money over food that 'isn't real food'. They also argued that this would be offensive for 'their' guests and suggested my vegan options just be "the good ol' salads & appetizers" (his mom wanted cupcakes lol).

I said no because for one it's me and my family who's paying. and two I want to make my guests feel welcome and not be treated as second class citizens by being served "salad". my fiance made a face and said "isn't that what vegans eat?". I refused to argue about it and said it was final.

The other day, I found out that he had cancelled all the vegan options and took them off the menu completely and behind my back. I was seething. I called him at work but he kept hanging up on me. I went straight to his workplace and confronted him there and just flipped out on him. He was stunned to see me.

He at first said it was his mom's idea then told me to go home because I was making a scene at the office. the fight continued at home and he defended himself by saying that I sort of made him resort to doing this after I kept brushing off his thoughs and input, and refusing to accommodate his family.

but there were PLENTY of meat options why why can't I get 4-5 vegan options? when I'm paying for it?. He yelled that it was his wedding too not my family's. My family said it was fine and they'll figure it out and told me to let it go but I refused. AITA for putting my foot down on this?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

yourlittlebirdie said:

NTA and for the love of god don’t marry this man.

HoldFastO2 said:

NTA. So, he:

1.) has no clue what Vegans actually eat, and no interest in learning.

2.) believes having food for your family is offensive to theirs, while having no food for your family is perfectly fine.

3.) doesn't respect your input and your money.

4.) makes decisions about matters important to you behind your back.

5.) either can't stand up to his mom or uses her as his scapegoat.

That's a lot of things to be really angry about. Why are you marrying this guy again?

AnselaJonla said:

NTA. Are you sure you want to marry this man and his family? They have no respect at all for you and yours.

OP responded:

Frankly, I have no idea why his mom feels so strongly about getting involved. I only included in wedding planning only because I respect her but I guess it's like they say "give an inch...and they'll take a mile"

Reasonable-Rich6650 said:

So you and your family are paying, but his mummy says salad and cupcakes is fine, so he cancels any food the family PAYING can eat. I’d cancel the wedding you NTA, him and mummy massive massive AH’s

And OP responded:

Yes. I notice how he and his mom agreed to come against me on this

UPDATE:

So his mom messaged me earlier to try to get me to listen to what she had to say after I kept ignoring her phonecalls. She spent long walls of text just to "address" what I did at her son's workplace, calling it all kinds of stuff from immature to unhinged. She then went to explain how she's noticed that me and my family kept "acting dismissive" of her son's input and "contributations" to the wedding.

She said that she noticed my behavior towards him and her entire family and wanted to speak up earlier but didn't and tried to keep the peace. She then went on to address the food menu issue and denied her involvement in the cancellation of the vegan option but that didn't mean she doesn't support her son's decision.

Moreover, she thought it was soooo responsible of him to make that move because of my continual refusal to see how this stuff is waste of money. she also pointed out how I kept saying "I paid for it" and said that technically this isn't just my money, it's mine and his because we're getting married she suggested I wisen up and get rid of "my money, I paid for it" mentality.

She finally mentioned how "bad" this whole situation is making me look, and said that she and her son had already offered a number of compromises that I chose to brush off and decided to make it my "weird" hill to die on. She said that not only her son is upset but she and "the family" are as well after hearing about it and suggested I just agree on their compromise and be done with it.

This pissed me off beyond belief I responded by letting her know that I'm still standing my ground on this even if I'll have to call the whole wedding off because of it because honestly? this is just ridiculous, it is!!! my mom and dad....they don't even know what to say anymore.

Apparently, my fiance saw my response to her (he's with her) and is now trying to call me but right now I'm waiting on him to get home and see if he's still insisting on the stance he took. I'll update if there's anything worth adding after we talk.

SECOND UPDATE, a week later:

So, the talk didn't go well. I waited for him to come home so we could have a final conversation about it "but" he still insisted on his stance. for more details, his family are a bit on the heavy side. Nothing wrong with that, they're perfectly within their right to decide how to live but they get "easily offended" at the mention of the words "weight" & "food."

I tried so hard to focus on the issue at hand, but I noticed there was a pattern of this behavior. he said it wasn't true, and that this was just an attempt for me to throw past conflicts at him in order to win the current one.

he claimed he tried to reason with me about why and how his guests might see those vegan options as "offensive", also said that his family love food and consider it a "big deal", and how he didn't want his family to feel like there's certain options that they "couldn't touch" and feel that there's "difference in how I treat them vs how I treat my family".....

he then went on to explain how it's just an event and how my family should just accept what's on the menu and if they felt "inconvinience" so what? it's just a one time thing, they're not gonna die if they "had salad and appetizers". What he said wasn't good enough reason for me cause his folks are gonna think & say what they want, but at the end of the day it's my wedding!!!

and to be honest, realizing that my partner himself thinks it's okay to steamroll my opinions and decisions simply because..he's prioritizing others and their opinions over me was really upsetting and not something that could be looked past.

normally, I'm a person of rational discussions and compromises...I'm ALL about compromises, I'd compromised on much bigger matters than just food but like people said....it's not about the food anymore (if it ever was!!)like...he'd literally lose nothing if he let me have what I wanted but apparently, he was willing to lose it all over this which's fine by me.

I gave him back the ring and called everything off. I just couldn't envision myself living like this any longer..having to walk on eggshells for his family and letting him basically override my opinions and have the final say nomatter what. marriage is about compromise and here he has nothing to lose yet chose to do this to me and my family.

mind you this is my first serious relationship and I didn't know what to expect, but it's safe to say that he and his mom and FAMILY did make it feel like I was taking crazy pills on many many ocassions so that's that. Last thing he said was that I chose my family over him and ended everything between for the sake of "keeping 'em happy". Decision's been made and it's done.

Just wanted to give an update to those who wanted it. thank you so much for your endless stream of advice and support.