'AITA if my fiancé doesn't attend his brother's wedding since my daughter wasn't invited?'

"AITA because my fiance no longer wants to attend his brothers wedding due to my daughter not being invited?"

Some backstory: me (27F) and my fiancé (28M) have known each other for 3 years- officially been dating for almost two years and engaged for a few months. Im currently 6 months pregnant. He was previously married and has a stepchild(6m) and biological child (4f).

His ex is barely in the picture- we have both his children full time. I also have a child (5f) from a previous relationship who we also have full time and her dad sees her periodically when his schedule allows.

Last year his son was diagnosed with a serious medical condition and because of the laws here we couldn’t get him into kindergarten and the preschool he attended could not accommodate to his medical needs. Because of that and with our work environments, his parents who are retired said they would take him in for the school year until he was old enough to attend school down here.

We send money and are very involved even though it is long distance and we already have everything in place for him to come home to us. We are completely a blended family. Even though his stepson is not his biologically, I see him as his son and I see myself as a mother figure to him and treat him and his daughter just like I treat my own daughter and my fiancé does the same with my daughter.

It’s never been a concern or issue of treating any of the children differently. Both of our families growing up were also blended families so we were all welcomed with open arms. Something to note before going into the story- we live out of state from both sides of the family.

My family is from down south and his family is from up north. We try our best to take weekend trips to visit but it’s about a 6 hour drive to visit either side. Now to the story: my fiances brother is getting married in a few months. Due to us living out of state and him and his SO also living in a different state than his family, I’ve only met them in person twice but all went well.

Their wedding is going to be in the state that they live in. My fiance was supposed to be his best man and he was super excited about it. We had received the wedding invitation a few months ago and I noticed on the invitation it only had my fiances name, my name and his daughters name on the invite. I asked about my daughter being invited and my fiancé just brushed it off and said he was sure it was a mistake.

A few weeks after that I received an invite from the bride for her bridal shower. The plan for the bridal shower was we were all going to travel to the state they live in, the women (me, SIL, MIL) were all going to go to the bridal shower while fiance, BIL and FIL hung out at the grooms house with the groom.

I asked what we would do about the kids, as I didn’t want to just bring the kids if it wasn’t specified so my fiance called his brother to ask. His brother said it would be fine, our son would go with him and our daughters would come with me.

A few hours later his brother texted him and told him they actually decided to not have children come to the bridal shower and he didn’t feel comfortable having the kids at his house because he has a dog that’s unfamiliar around small children which is completely understandable.

That being said I just said I probably wouldn’t be able to make the bridal shower due to being in an unfamiliar state and I just don’t feel comfortable hiring a stranger to watch them while we go to these events but I’d still send something on the registry and we would all still see them at the wedding.

Well this brought to light that the invite for the wedding was indeed only for my fiance, me and his daughter and that my daughter was excluded.

His reason being was first that they didn’t want any children at the wedding (even though my fiances son and daughter were both invited and expected to be at the wedding) then the reason turned into he didn’t know my daughter that well and he didn’t think our relationship would last so he doesn’t want people he doesn’t know or think will be around at his wedding.

I also understand that except for that me and my fiance have been together for going on two years now and have known each other longer than that and we are very serious about one another. It blew up into a whole thing. My fiance said he wouldn’t go to the wedding if all of his children weren’t invited.

His brother said some nasty things (basically insinuating that he dumped his son on his parents and how he’d probably dump his unborn child on them too) and some other insulting things.

I told my fiance I don’t want him to not go because of us but I also will not have my daughter feel like the red headed step child and how this could create a divide and show the children that one is different from the other when we are raising them as brother and sisters. He agreed with me and still says he nor his son or daughter are going to the wedding and then went no contact with his brother.

He made it clear to his brother that he owes him and me an apology for the things he said and until then he doesn’t want anything to do with him. His brother has reached out a few times still stating he wants him and his daughter and son at his wedding but no word about me or my daughter.

My mom agrees with us and says we shouldn’t budge and shouldn’t bring my daughter somewhere or around people who will treat her differently or make her feel unwelcome which I agree. His parents and his sister though keep telling him he needs to forgive his brother and go to the wedding.

His mom is saying that no children at all are going to the wedding and that my fiancés son and daughter were the only exceptions and that we need to see his side of things. It’s gotten to the point where his mom has tried to guilt him and every few weeks they blow up at each other over this topic.

I don’t want it to seem like I am the one creating the divide between him and his family but it feels like it because the issue revolves around me and my daughter. I’ve told my fiance multiple times if he wants to go to the wedding I would be supportive even though I wouldn’t be in attendance because of my daughter and he just tells me no he’s not going.

His parents have tried to talk to me about it and try to get me to “reason” with fiance but I just tell them it’s his decision and he needs space and that I can’t make him choose to do or not do anything.

So I guess are we the a holes? It doesn’t help that I am super hormonal and emotional and feel like I’m just the cause of all of this when I don’t want to have any conflict or divide because I love him and his family and our family.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

signycullen88 said:

"His brother said some nasty things (basically insinuating that he dumped his son on his parents and how he’d probably dump his unborn child on them too) and some other insulting things."

Girl, this is not a man you want around any of the kids. Your partner has drawn a line that it's all of you or none of you. Why are you fighting him on it? He's on your side and your daughters side. This is the kind of stepdad you want!

You're pregnant. Focus on your baby. Focus on getting ready for your son to join the house. Tell your In-laws that you and your partner are a united family. Leaving one kid at home was bad enough, but now apparently they don't even want you there? No way. The brother doesn't sound worth it, at all.

Environmental_Art591 said:

Yup. Honestly, being a stay at home parent now until he starts school is going to be alot cheaper than therapy down the road to undo all the BS that could be being whispered into his ear at such a young and impressionable age.

For the sake of family harmony, get ypur family ba k all under one roof (seriously you claim to treat the kids the same but sent one away because it was more convenient for you to not deal with issues stemming from his health)

And OP responded:

Unfortunately for various reasons, not everyone has the option of being a stay at home parent. That being said, we are in the process of getting him back home and have him set up to begin school down here this year with us. Him going to his grandparents wasn’t due to a convenience for us to not deal with the issues stemming from his health.

It was due to the opportunities presented that accommodated his health needs appropriately while also being able to attend school for a year that were not available down here due to his age at the time. Over the last few months we have worked with his medical team in our state and made sure the appropriate accommodations were set in place in order for him to come home to us and attend school down here.

In our state it’s not required to have a nurse on staff at private daycares and preschools and staff is usually only trained in basic first aid and CPR.

We could not get him into a preschool run by the public school system where they would have had a nurse due to waitlists and he was too young to begin kindergarten here last year while in the state his grandparents live in he was able to begin kindergarten and we were able to get him a para on top of having the nurse on staff to monitor his health needs.

Shporzee said:

Not even CLOSE to being a-holes! Y’all have been together 2 years.. expecting a child? You def are not going anywhere for the next 18 years and that includes your daughter. I’d never ever visit with the brother or his wife even if your husband decided to forgive them.

I think your husbands reaction is all the green flags! The family you create is more important than the family you came from. If he wants to be an asshole and bully a child for no reason, he can accept the consequences and have all his guests wonder why his brother/best man isn’t there over a child’s presence.

Crazy4Swayze420 said:

NTA. Nothing you say is going to change his mind. If I'm right you and daughter aren't the issue. The issue is the disrespect fiance brother is showing towards him which just happens to involve you and your daughter. His brother started a war with him basically and he is pissed (rightfully so) and anyone who crosses him or tries to change his mind will feel his ire.

I wouldn't be surprised if he goes LC with his parents if they keep pushing. His relationship with his brother is over unless his brother does a complete 180. Your fiance has priorities straight and he is making the right call. Don't feel guilty you didn't do anything wrong.

And LdiJ46 said:

It is very disappointing that they cannot understand that you and your fiance cannot do something that excludes one of the children living in your home. It is simply something that you cannot do. It would be better to say no children at all than to include 2 children in a family but exclude the 3rd, I don't understand why they don't get that, nor why they were so rude about it. NTA