How a Buffalo Wild Wings date revealed one 'manipulative' fiancé's hidden $100K debt. AITA? UPDATED 2X
"AITA for telling my fiancé that if he expects me to contribute 50/50, we have to make some serious lifestyle changes?"
My (26F) fiancé (26M) sat me down yesterday and gave me a long talk about how he feels like I don't contribute enough to the household, particularly in the financial sense. I was a bit caught off guard by this, but was willing to hear him out, since he wasn't wrong.
He makes a lot more than I do, and we've always split bills accordingly, which ends up being about 80% him. I asked what he wanted me to pay now, and he was adamant about it being 50/50.
I asked if everything was okay with his job, or if he needed to take fewer hours, and he wouldn't answer me. I honestly wouldn't have gotten upset if there seemed like an actual reason behind it, but he just said he'd been thinking about it a lot, over and over.
Every time I asked what brought him to this conclusion, what was going on, he eventually just said "this is how it's going to be, take it or leave it." Those exact words, in response to literally everything I said. Full shutdown. No explanations.
I told him that was fine I'll take it, and then asked if he'd made Zillow account yet, or expected me to. He looked confused, and asked why we would need a Zillow account.
I explained that there's no way I can afford half rent on our current place, so we'll probably have to move into a one-bedroom apartment. He got mad and asked why I didn't have savings.
I told him that I do, but I'm not paying rent out of my savings, because that's a terrible and unsustainable idea. I also began to go over what our new food budget would be, our new entertainment budget, and that we'd probably have to sell the cars and get one less expensive one because I can't afford half of the payments on an Audi and a Land Rover.
Then I explained that date nights would probably have to be reduced too, and we could still do, like Buffalo Wild Wings or something, but I preferred Thursday nights because you get two orders of boneless wings for one. Basically, if he wants me to pay half, we're living within my means, not his anymore.
He kind of agreed to it, but since then, he's been incredibly angry. He's not saying or doing anything, but it's like he's walking around the house in this cloud of pissed-off. I sent him six zillow listings, all of which he's called uninhabitable for various reasons, some of which I think were valid, others I disagree with.
He's now saying that I'm being unfair and manipulative, and that he tried to come to me with a serious concern about our relationship and I'm making it impossible for him to talk to me, and bulldozing over him. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA at all and you are making perfect sense in my mind. If he wants 50/50 he needs to understand that your income is the limiting agent in this reaction. It does sound like he has something else going on and I would mentally prepare for him to call the wedding off. This sounds like he is coming up with reasons to get rid of you in his mind but he does not want to come off as the bad guy.
NTA is he trying to break up with you and he wants you to pull the plug?
"You make 120k as an engineer. I make 30k in retail. I am fine living a life where we spend the same amount but I literally cannot keep up because eid have to pull tens of thousands of dollars out of thin air. The only option to make this work is if we live like we both make 30k."
NTA the only options to give him what he wanted was "spend less" or "drain savings and enter credit card debt".
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hi everyone! This got way bigger than intended, so I figured a follow-up was owed. So, last time I posted was Monday. Monday as a whole was spent just sorting through what I felt, and what to do next. There was a lot of silence and a lot of anger, and a LOT of advice, some of which I found very insightful, some of which was less so.
Also some people think I made this up as part of a viral marketing sponsorship between buffalo wild wings, Audi, and Zillow, which honestly would solve the money problems if true, but alas, is not the case.
On Tuesday, after I got home from work, I sort of just walked up to him on the elliptical and explained as calmly as I could that I had questions, and if he actually wanted to marry me, he needed to be willing to answer them.
I asked if he thought I was a gold digger, yes or no. He said yes. I told him that I wasn't willing to be in a relationship where I have to prove myself by sacrificing any sort of stability, and that led to a bit of a screaming match, and eventually, a confession.
So it turns out we cannot afford anything we have right now. We are in serious credit card debt, the cars are both on the verge of being repossessed, and I did not know about any of this. He's been cutting corners on actual necessities, including psychiatric medication.
That in combination with some comments from his family led him to some pretty dark places. My fiancé had a full breakdown and apologized for calling me a gold digger, which was nice to hear, but this whole thing had me pretty shaken up. I went to stay with a friend for a little bit.
Yesterday, my fiancé and I did in fact go out to BWW and get the two for one boneless. We talked, a lot. I'm still writing fiancé for now, and I really hope we can work through all of this.
We talked about how to sell the cars-- we don't particularly have a choice at this point-- and about my income, his income, and the sort of life we want to have. If we do stay together, we'll be changing how we live a lot.
We need to get out of debt, we need to get on our feet. I know some people are gonna say I'm being dumb for not immediately dropping all contact and giving up on the relationship, but I can't do that.
I can't look at the guy I love, who went off his meds to try and make a good life for me, and think he's not worth sticking around for, at least to try. I don't know what the future looks like at all anymore though, and the wedding is very postponed at the moment. Sorry this wasn't a more fun update.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Watch your credit like a hawk home slice.
While I understand that you want to make it work, there are a few things of note; It's absolutely critical to know exactly how the debt got that deep. It's not at all acceptable that he's been cutting corners on psychiatric medication. He was going to point the finger at you being in the wrong until you brought up leaving.
His choices have left you both in debt. How much of an effort is he willing to make to help you both claw out? You really need to take a hard look at this relationship, and how your future will look in it.
I don’t think I could get past the financial betrayal. Now instead of enjoying this time in life. Your swimming in shark infested waters and if you get this cleaned up he can put you right back in before you know it. Good luck but go to talk to someone. Therapist financial Planner etc.
Over two years later, the OP returned with another update.
We are out of debt. It feels so, so good to say that and have it be true, but as of three days ago, everything is finally paid off and we've made our way back onto solid ground. Almost two years ago, I made a post here about my(28F) fiancé (28M) wanting to split things 50-50, and my offer of compromising on lifestyle changes.
As it turned out, he was off his meds and had managed to get himself into some serious debt, a little under 100k, trying to provide a life that we could not afford on a combined 155k a year. Things were rough. I almost left him a few times. But we have finally, finally, finally made it through to the other side.
I handle the finances. 100% of the finances. I give him a budget for buying coffee. It wasn't fun, but in exchange he started doing more of the housework, so it evens out. We moved from our over-the-top apartment into a shared living situation, which, while not ideal, was leagues better than my initial plan of getting a trailer.
We have roommates, but they're on another floor, so it's not too bad, and we have our own bathroom which was my only real stipulation. We've lived like we're a 70k a year couple, doing actual 50-50 finances, and every extra penny he's made has gone directly to paying off the debt.
We sold the cars, obviously. Traded them in for a nice used Ford Maverick and a Vespa. That helped a lot. There have been no more lavish vacations or over-the-top restaurants with $500 price tags. It was rough for my fiancé at first. He's always been very much a rich boy, and I think losing that as an identity was difficult for him.
That being said-- he's gotten *so creative* lately, it's been amazing to see. He will make me things if he can't buy me things, and we've started cooking together instead of having me do almost all of it. Our room is covered in the things he's made for me, and it's really lovely.
We're still in love. We're still going strong. And we can finally, finally, finally start actually planning our wedding again. We're gonna get our own place first, but the wedding is next on the list after that. I'm so glad that we stuck with this, and being on the other side is the greatest feeling in the world.
Thank you to everyone who offered advice. <3 I don't know how things would have ended up if I hadn't had the courage of my convictions, and I'm genuinely grateful to those who directed me to Dave Ramsey and Caleb Hammer. Y'all are awesome!!
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
That is so great to hear! Congratulations on the hard work. You should be proud of yourself. And there must be real love between you if you worked through it together. I am so happy for you!
ThrowRAdownsizing (OP)
There's a lot of love here. He's my person, you know? I genuinely feel like the luckiest girl in the world when I'm around him, and God knows he loves me to the moon and back.
Congrats. So nice to see someone properly making changes rather than just "appearing" to do so. Hopefully now the debts are cleared you can keep him on this current life for a while longer and build up a decent cushion of savings and investments.
I still have questions. It sounds like you were both living above your means, but it also sounds like he had debt and used you to pay it off. And the 50/50 thing is unfair if he earns a lot more. But you said he’s pretty so I guess you don’t care?
Congrats! I remember reading your original post. So glad it’s worked out for you. My husband and I make it work on a lower income so I can primarily stay at home for our children and it’s wonderful. The stress of debt is really overwhelming and I’m sure it’s a huge relief to you both.