Woman sends fiancé to comfort best friend going through breakup; they have a sleepover. AITA?
"My fiancé had a sleepover with my best friend and I got mad at them for it. AITA?"
My fiancé (26M) and I (27F) have been together for 6 years and I've been friends with M (26 F) for about 7. I met both in college. I moved in with my fiancé a year ago right before we got engaged and we've been spending a lot more time with M because she lives in our city.
The three of us get food together and play video games together a few times a week. Sometimes, if I'm out of town M and my fiancé will get some food together. I've never had a problem with that and I thought it was sweet that they had company with each other while I wasn't around.
M has been in a difficult on and off again relationship with her boyfriend and they broke up again last week. I went home this weekend to visit my parents. I knew M was sad about the break up and encouraged my fiancé to check in on her.
On Saturday he picked her up and they got food from a local take out spot and played video games at our apartment. They end up staying up till 3 AM. It was late and there weren't any ubers available nearby so my fiancé offered to let her stay in the spare bed that night.
She's slept over with me or with both of us home, but never with just him. I was asleep by 11 pm so when I woke I texted him and he mentioned that M was still there. I found it incredibly inappropriate that they were having a sleepover and told them both such.
I understand at 3 AM there were limited options, but they were grown adults who could have ended the hangout at an appropriate time. I know nothing happened, but it felt incredibly disrespectful.
I came home from my parents that night and had an argument with my fiancé. Ultimately he saw my point of view and apologized. I took a day to breathe and called M.
M was furious with me for getting mad at her. She felt that I destroyed the trust we had from our 7 years of friendship and we could never be friends the same way because I was accusing her of sleeping with my fiancé.
I reminded her that I never said that. I said she should have known better and could have left at an appropriate time. She said it's not her fault she didn't know a boundary I didn't tell her, that the time of day doesn't mean anything, and she shouldn't even be talking to me right now. She said she didn't want to continue our friendship. She hung up after.
Maybe I'm just drawing a weird line in the sand and I shouldn't assume everyone else thinks that way. I didn't think I was being harsh, but I feel terribly that my friend is so upset about it and doesn't want to be friends anymore. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
YTA. You asked your finance to spend time with her, and they had fun and it went late. You never stated there was a curfew or time limit on the hangout that YOU requested happen. She slept over in the spare room as she has before, you never told either of them that was only ok if you were there. How would they know that?
They gave you a heads up she was sleeping over, again, in the SPARE ROOM. It wasn’t some secret they tried to keep. If you were uncomfortable with it, the appropriate response would be to tell your fiance in person that in the future you would appreciate her not sleeping over when you’re not there.
You said yourself you didn’t think anything had happened but you still “thought it was inappropriate and told them such” how else is your friend supposed to interpret that except for you think she’d try to sleep with your fiancé. Friendship is over and it’s your fault.
INFO: what exactly did you say to her? It's one thing to set an expectation; it's another to infer you have zero trust in your best friend (or your bf).
In this situation it would be implying she had no trust, the best friend would infer it from the messages.
You say you know they didn't do anything and you know they had valid excuse. I wouldn't want to ride in Uber at 3am anyway. So what she's saying is correct. It's the fact that you believe your friend to be so horrible that she would sleep with your fiance.
You even encouraged them to hang out then got mad that they exceeded some arbitrary time limit they didn't know about and that she made the safest decision not to leave at 3am. I can totally see why she doesn't want to be friends with you anymore.
Either you trust them or not. If not, you leave the relationship and the friendship. But now, you don't have worry about that. Friendship's gone and you can bet your boyfriend will never be close to another friend of yours again. YTA.
YTA. They were in separate beds in separate rooms and they’re friends and it was 3 AM. Your fiancé should NOT have apologized to you. You owe an apology to both of them. You KNOW nothing happened. You’re “fine” with them hanging out. You’re acting jealous and insecure. I would also be super upset if I was her.
YTA. What’s the real reason you are upset? YOU sent him over there to check on her. You said you don’t think anything happened. And now you’re accusing them.
I think you're overreacting to be honest. You wanted them to hangout because M is in a horrible situation. So in my opinion, they hung out till late talking about things, her venting about situation, had fun with the games, having innocent bonding time and your fiance allowing her to be distracted from the breakup.
Naturally, they lost track of time. If there were no ubers around or whatever, it makes perfect sense to stay in the spare room especially since you are all long term friends.