Pregnant woman discovers fiancé has a secret child with his ex after 15 months together. AITA? + UPDATE
"My (F33) fiancé (M34) revealed to me that he has a child with another woman. How do I process this?"
I have been with my fiancé for a year and 3 months, I am 6 months pregnant. I know, we moved very fast with our engagement and getting pregnant. I know it was not a very rational decision, somehow it seemed right at the time. We have had some fights, but in general things seemed good and we have been very excited about meeting our baby soon.
Yesterday my fiancé sat me down and told me we needed to talk about something. He told me he was very sorry he did not tell me sooner, that he was afraid I might leave and he was ashamed.
He also told me that he understands that I might leave after what he tells me. He told me he has a child with his ex. They were together years ago for 8 years, but met up several years later, had some casual sex and she got pregnant unexpectedly. They did not get together after that but she wanted to keep the baby. He started dating someone else, that did not work out and then he met me.
The child is 1 year and 3 months old, so she was born right around the time we had started dating. We had been dating for about 2 weeks. Back then, he told me he had to go on a week long business trip, but actually he was at the hospital and his daughter was born. He has told me that he goes to the gym almost everyday (for around 3 hours) but in reality he has also used that time to see his daughter.
The mother of his child does not know he is engaged with me and that I am pregnant. He tells me they just do not talk about these kinds of things. She has also blocked me on Facebook, even though I have never tried to contact her.
He told me she does not want to know anything about me and that she would probably want to be with him, but he does not have feelings for her. I asked him how come she still has feelings for him, if he has been clear with her that he does not want a relationship and it has been 2 years since their "casual sex". He told me "I don't know, I guess I am just that great".
I am having a hard time processing all of this. My fiancé said he feels better now after getting it off his chest. He says he understands I need time to think about this situation, but he also says he does not want to wait forever for me to decide whether I want to continue this relationship or not.
He wanted me to meet his daughter today but I said it was too soon for me. Now he has bought some diapers and other stuff for when she comes over. He asked me if I would be ready tomorrow.
We have not yet bought much for the nursery for our baby, but now he suddenly wants to hurry up and buy a bed for the nursery, so that his daughter could stay the night before our baby is born.
I feel overwhelmed trying to process all the information and also sad that the nursery I have been planning for our baby will not just be for our baby. This is not how I imagined having my first child. What are your thoughts on this? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? How to process all of this and how to move forward?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
All red flags.
"I'm that great"??? bro get over yourself.
I think you need to find a way to reach out to his ex to confirm his story. It's all pretty convenient. That you CAN'T reach out to her and that he was already "broken up" when you guys met but she was still pregnant.
It's also convenient that he got the courage to tell you this after you couldn't get an abortion anymore. He sounds like he's baby trapping you. I'm not sure so please please please reach out to the ex, there is def more to the story.
I’d like to point out the glaring red flag that he’s pushing her to move forward with this. He told her that he doesn’t want to wait forever and is already trying to integrate his daughter into the household.
If he actually cared about OP, he’d give her all the time she needs to process without pressuring her. OP, this man lied about a whole human. You can never trust him - he will lie to get his way again.
Christ. This is why you don’t have a child with someone you barely know. He lied to you for ENTIRE relationship, now he knows you’re trapped in a pregnancy too late to abort (convenient timing on his end). No advice, do better for your kid.
So it was not just a lie of omission, he lied when the baby was born and then every time he went "to the gym". He waited till you were 6 months pregnant then dropped this bombshell and is then is pushing for "visitation" without giving you the time and space to come to terms with all this.
He claims he was afraid you might leave. What he actually did in withholding the information until now was not to give you the opportunity to make the decision yourself. He took that from you and now the decision is to break up and be a single parent.
Four days later, the OP returned with an update.
Firstly, I want to thank everyone who responded to my original post. There were so many comments, I tried to read through all of them. Many of you recommended that I find a way to contact the mother of his child.
As she has blocked me on Facebook, I could not message her there. I did message her on Instagram, but she did not respond. I do not know if she even saw my message request.
I told my fiancé that it was necessary for me to talk to her, either on the phone or in person. He told me she did not want to talk to me, but as I insisted on it, he convinced her. When he was visiting her and his daughter, he called me and let me talk to her on speaker phone.
She confirmed that she had blocked me, because she "has blocked all of his girlfriends, because she does not want any communication". She told me they have not been together since the third month of her pregnancy, but there were some false hopes involved. She said she now has found out we are engaged and I am pregnant, before that she just blocked me because she saw me calling him once.
He has told me she has always said she does not want to know anything about his personal life and that is why he has hidden that he lives with me and everything else about us. I asked her if she would be willing to unblock me on FB so that we could talk some more, she said she does not want to intervene.
From now on, he has been very open about when she calls or messages him. They have only talked about their child. He agreed to share his location with me all the time, suggested going to couples' counselling and has been extra attentive towards me these past days.
He has apologised to me countless times and asked me what he can do to rebuild trust between us. I do not know if there is a way to get trust back. It seems to me that he was not having an affair, but hiding his child from me and hiding me from the mother of his child is still a huge lie. I cannot believe he would do something like this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Erm… are you going to be the new ex he has a secret child with? Will he start going to the gym for 6 hours while he stays with a new woman to impregnate?
“There were some false hopes involved”
Da fuq???
You don't really know if that was actually his child's mother on the phone. Too much lying over too long a period of time and all of a sudden he wants you start believing him? Now he's offering up his location and his phone. He's just gotten better at hiding it. He has you where he wants you, pregnant and dependant on him. Don't delude yourself.
I don't think she's going to run, and I think she's trapped. I also think she believes everything he tells her. Poor babies. That's who I feel bad for.
Revealing the existence of a children should be during the first date so the other person can decide if they want to go further with the dating. This would be a breaking up point for me, too much lying.
I love how he's like, "I know this is a big enough lie that you might break up with me" but also "Make your decision right now. No thinking allowed." Totally not unreasonable or problematic 🙄.
OP is a fool. This guy has been cheating their entire relationship. He hid a child from her and lied to her until she was pregnant and trapped. She’s a fool.