'AITA for telling my fiancé I won't contribute 50/50 since he makes a lot more than me?' UPDATED

"AITAH for telling my fiancé that if he expects me to contribute 50/50, we have to make some serious lifestyle changes?"

My (26F) fiancé (26M) sat me down yesterday and gave me a long talk about how he feels like I don't contribute enough to the household, particularly in the financial sense. I was a bit caught off guard by this, but was willing to hear him out, since he wasn't wrong. He makes a lot more than I do, and we've always split bills accordingly, which ends up being about 80% him.

I asked what he wanted me to pay now, and he was adamant about it being 50/50. I asked if everything was okay with his job, or if he needed to take fewer hours, and he wouldn't answer me.

I honestly wouldn't have gotten upset if there seemed like an actual reason behind it, but he just said he'd been thinking about it a lot, over and over, every time I asked what brought him to this conclusion, what was going on, and eventually he just said "this is how it's going to be, take it or leave it." Those exact words, in response to literally everything I said. Full shutdown. No explanations.

I told him that was fine I'll take it, and then asked if he'd made a zillow account yet, or expected me to. He looked confused, and asked why we would need a zillow account. I explained that there's no way I can afford half rent on our current place, so we'll probably have to move into a one-bedroom apartment.

He got mad and asked why I didn't have savings. I told him that I do, but I'm not paying rent out of my savings, because that's a terrible and unsustainable idea. I also began to go over what our new food budget would be, our new entertainment budget, and that we'd probably have to sell the cars and get one less expensive one because I can't afford half of the payments on an Audi and a Land Rover.

Then I explained that date nights would probably have to be reduced too, and we could still do, like Buffalo Wild Wings or something, but I preferred Thursday nights because you get two orders of boneless wings for one. Basically, if he wants me to pay half, we're living within my means, not his anymore. He kind of agreed to it, but since then, he's been incredibly angry.

He's not saying or doing anything, but it's like he's walking around the house in this cloud of pissed-off. I sent him six zillow listings, all of which he's called uninhabitable for various reasons, some of which I think were valid, others I disagree with.

He's now saying that I'm being unfair and manipulative, and that he tried to come to me with a serious concern about our relationship and I'm making it impossible for him to talk to me, and bulldozing over him. AITA?

In the comments, she added:

I make around 35K a year. He makes around 120K a year.

It's not like there's some magical "be rich suddenly" button I can press. I'm a preschool teacher, and I don't have a college degree, and I certainly can't afford a college degree at this point without asking for help or taking out insane loans.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

l3ex_G said:

Nta is he trying to break up with you and he wants you to pull the plug?

[deleted] said:

NTA at all and you are making perfect sense in my mind. If he wants 50/50 he needs to understand that your income is the limiting agent in this reaction. It does sound like he has something else going on and I would mentally prepare for him to call the wedding off. This sounds like he is coming up with reasons to get rid of you in his mind but he does not want to come off as the bad guy.

coldtrashpanda said:

(making up jobs and numbers) "You make 120k as an engineer. I make 30k in retail. I am fine living a life where we spend the same amount but I literally cannot keep up because eid have to pull tens of thousands of dollars out of thin air. The only option to make this work is if we live like we both make 30k." NTA the only options to give him what he wanted was "spend less" or "drain savings and enter credit card debt"

[deleted] said:

Ok, NTA first off. But something else is going on here. Is he burnt out? Has someone said something to him? It sounds like he’s feeling the relationship isn’t balanced. Of course, it most likely is, but not everything can be reduced to pounds and pence. I think you need to just be straight and say that you simply cannot afford to pay half of expensive things.

It’s half of something cheaper, or he pays more, or it won’t work. If you’re at home doing nothing, I can see the frustration. But if you’re working - which I’m sure you are - then he needs to take a step off of his Ivory Tower and understand that not everyone makes the same money.

Having felt similar before, it was mostly because I was completely and utterly burnt out, and went into a self destructive mode. As hard as it it, I would push for him to talk about what the real problem is.

Five days after her original post, she shared this update:

So, last time I posted was Monday. Monday as a whole was spent just sorting through what I felt, and what to do next. There was a lot of silence and a lot of anger, and a LOT of reddit advice, some of which I found very insightful, some of which was less so.

Also some people think I made this up as part of a viral marketing sponsorship between buffalo wild wings, audi, and zillow, which honestly would solve the money problems if true, but alas, is not the case.

On Tuesday, after I got home from work, I sort of just walked up to him on the elliptical and explained as calmly as I could that I had questions, and if he actually wanted to marry me, he needed to be willing to answer them. I asked if he thought I was a gold digger, yes or no. He said yes.

I told him that I wasn't willing to be in a relationship where I have to prove myself by sacrificing any sort of stability, and that led to a bit of a screaming match, and eventually, a confession. So it turns out we cannot afford anything we have right now. We are in serious credit card debt, the cars are both on the verge of being repossessed, and I did not know about any of this.

He's been cutting corners on actual necessities, including psychiatric medication. That in combination with some comments from his family led him to some pretty dark places. My fiancé had a full breakdown and apologized for calling me a gold digger, which was nice to hear, but this whole thing had me pretty shaken up. I went to stay with a friend for a little bit.

Yesterday, my fiancé and I did in fact go out to BWW and get the two for one boneless. We talked, a lot. I'm still writing fiancé for now, and I really hope we can work through all of this. We talked about how to sell the cars-- we don't particularly have a choice at this point-- and about my income, his income, and the sort of life we want to have.

If we do stay together, we'll be changing how we live a lot. We need to get out of debt, we need to get on our feet. I know some people are gonna say I'm being dumb for not immediately dropping all contact and giving up on the relationship, but I can't do that. I can't look at the guy I love, who went off his meds to try and make a good life for me, and think he's not worth sticking around for, at least to try.

I don't know what the future looks like at all anymore though, and the wedding is very postponed at the moment. Sorry this wasn't a more fun update.

Comment #1:

"OP, has he come clean to you about what got you guys so deep in the hole? For it to get to the brink it did, lifts more red flags in the air. He could be coping with an addiction problem, or something else that could destroy your life. You have got to figure this out ASAP. Please don't make any wedding plans; this is not the man you wanted to marry."

OP responded:

He has. It's not gambling or drugs, like a lot of people are saying. It's an addiction to nice things. He's got a lot of financial hangups, and comes from a family that replaced love with money, so he got it in his head that the only way to show love was to provide a very fancy sort of lifestyle, which was way over budget for us. It's going to be a hard pill to swallow, cutting back on everything, but it's what has to happen.

I didn't write everything out in this post, but we did go over how the debt got this bad, and I'm currently aware of pretty much everything. There are some accounts I still need to look at this weekend, but for the most part it's all above board at this point. We're definitely looking at the relationship, and I'm going to be taking a much more active role in life planning if we do continue.

The wedding is on pause for an unknown amount of time. I'm already looking into places I can afford, and will probably end up renting a trailer. And no, I'm not lying for him. I told him point blank that hiding this stuff is what got us into this mess, and he's not going to be able to keep it under wraps if he wants to stay with me. We need to be up front about our financial situation, whether he's embarrassed or not.

I think that with some hard work, we'll both end up in a better position. We need to get out of debt, and I'm taking the reins for a bit since he's never lived frugally before, but if all goes well, we'll get through this.

I don't plan to leave if he sticks to what we're talking about and actually takes steps forward. I love this man, and I'll fight for what we have. If he won't fix things, won't listen, and continues to disrespect me, I'm gone, but I genuinely believe we will get through this. I know he can do better, and I believe he wants to. Now he has to prove it.

Comment #2:

"Don't gloss over the comments from family. If you marry him, you're marrying them too. If they're generally toxic to his mental health, you need to talk about whether NC is necessary. If not, he has some serious repair work to do to fix the impression they have of you. Or has to take on the job of shielding you from their bs."

OP responded:

His family don't like me for a number of reasons. They don't like that I don't have a college degree, they don't like that I grew up low-income or went to public school, and they don't approve at all of the fact that I'm religious. His mother in particular has called me a hick, a redneck, and several other things I won't put down here. Up until this point, though, he's been pretty good about defending me.