'AITA for not wanting my fiancé to be on call 24/7 for his dying mother?' UPDATED

"AITA for not wanting my fiancé to be on call 24/7 for his dying mother?"

My (F34) fiancés (M36) mother is dying from cancer. What makes this more difficult is that his mom and dad have guardianship over a 3 y/o. We are also getting married in 4 months.

For the last year me and my fiancé have helped nightly with the 3 y/o (anything and everything). I help 2-3 nights/days a week while my fiancé goes over there everyday. We are both child free so this is not my most favorite thing to do. Me and the kid do have a bond. My fiancé has no boundaries with his family and will do whatever whenever they ask him to.

However, I miss time/attention with my fiancé. We are trying to plan this wedding. We hardly ever go on dates or have alone time and it we do we get interrupted by a phone call and off my fiancé goes. I am often the one that my fiance takes his anger/sadness/stress on.

I get calls at night when I’m in bed to come over because the kid wants a braid and only I know how to do it (fiancés sisters don’t help) or the kid is crying for me. I do it because I feel bad and it’s a child that has had a hard life but I’m also annoyed before I actually do it. In the end I’m happy I did it.

I love his mom and empathize with his pain of losing a parent and I want to help. I hate this on call 24/7 mentality. No one is taking great care of themselves. Our relationship is suffering and my fiancé is wearing down. I’m frustrated by how everything is being handled. My fiancé and his dad let wife/mom have what she wants not needs.

So, because she wants to stay home she’s dying in the living room in front of the kid while bitching at her husband for everything while me and my fiancé are doing anything/everything 24/7 with no help from his other two siblings. My fiancés dad is 68 taking care of his dying wife and a 3 y/o with a non working kitchen. It’s a mess. It’s so chaotic and depressing.

His mom was doing much worse a week ago and ended up in the hospital. Being in the hospital helped her so much. She’s damanding, bossy, controlling, stubborn, has a great heart, would do anything for anyone and generally is just very caring (while pushing Catholicism down your throat lol). She always wants what’s hardest on everyone.

Now she wants to come back hame when the hospital releases her but she really needs 24/7 care which we are not knowledgeable or capable of doing. We have a place picked out for her that she likes but she doesn’t want to go now. And there’s still the kid that needs help.

I’m at my wits end, it’s hard going through all this and having all these feelings. I know my fiancé is going through losing a parent, which is heartbreaking. I don’t want him to stop helping but I want him to cut back, do what’s best for his mom not what she wants and light a fire under his siblings asses because we all live super close. I feel bad even asking him to give me and our relationship a little more attention.

I told him what I felt. He didn’t like hearing it but is trying to be sweeter to me. He won’t stop being on call 24/7. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

ThoughtfulPoster said:

NAH. Ugh. This is rough. But everyone is doing their best. NAH is the only call that makes sense. Remember, there will be times in raising your own child, where you'll feel neglected as the needs of the family overtake the needs of your relationship in priority. Making it through this is a good proof of concept for weathering those difficult times.

And also, this is your husband showing you what kind of person he is. If you had the choice between a life partner who will be on call 24/7 to care for his family, or one who won't, would you really choose the latter?

OP responded:

You’re right, my fiancé is showing me he’s a great person. Thank you.

mdthomas said:

You miss your fiance. He is understandably sad about his mother dying. NAH

OP responded:

Thanks for putting it so simply.

MidwestNormal said:

Is hospice available near MIL?

OP responded:

Yes but we apparently need her blessing. It’s not helping anyone if she gets her way but doesn’t get adequate care.

RickRussellTX said:

NTA. Holy sh!t, OP. Your future FIL needs to man up RIGHT NOW and get help. His wife needs to be in hospice or similar high-maintenance nursing care, where her needs can actually be addressed. Eating takeout while slowly dying on the couch of a decaying home is not a dignified way to end.

You need to sit your fiance and future FIL down RIGHT NOW and explain that this is not normal, not healthy, and they need to reach out to the elder care/end of life care resources in their city/county/state/nation right now and get this poor woman the help she needs.

"bitching at her husband for everything... demanding, bossy, controlling, stubborn" At this point, you just need to walk away from those complaints. She's not gonna get better. She has no time left to mend her ways.

And the pain and suffering associated with end-of-life cancer care can warp the personalities of even the most even-tempered individuals in the best of times, so you shouldn't really hold her responsible for any of this.

FIL needs to step up. He is her medical care decision maker, and he needs to start making decisions instead of abdicating his role. And, you need a better solution for the 3 y/o. FIL is going to be absent if his wife is in hospice care. 3 y/o needs to live with you, or you move into FIL's house and fix the kitchen, or something. I don't know what the child's legal status is, so you need to figure out what your options are.

I know you want to be child free, but I imagine you don't want the child to suffer either. Do your best to find the right way forward.

OP responded:

Yes FIL struggles to make decisions and always says yes to his wife, it’s the problem. I agree, and plan on sitting down with them. As for the child, I offered to take her in forever if needed but my fiancé is not on board with this. MIL doesn’t want her husband to visit her at the hospital and won’t want him to visit when she’s in hospice either. She really resents him right now.

The FIL will move with the child to the state she was born in and where we have more family to help, these are blood relatives to the child. My fiancés cousin wants to care for her as she can’t have any more children herself.

[deleted] said:

I was going for NAH...but I'm going with YTA. You are so contradictory in this post, praising and criticising in the same breath. I understand how hard this is for all of you. Being the partner of someone who is losing a parent to terminal illness is extremely hard. I have experience of this, so I get your frustration. I really do.

But ultimately this isn't about you. Soon, his mother will be gone and he will never get to spend time with her again. If you limit his contact with his dying mother, he will resent you for the rest of his life. Yes his siblings should help out more. But even if they were as helpful as your partner, he may still want to spend this precious time with his mother.

I know this is a brutal time but please, don't add to the monumental stress he is undoubtedly feeling by making him feel bad for taking care of his dying mother. He will never forget it if you do.

And OP responded:

You are right! I don’t want him to resent me. It’s likely that I look at things slightly different because I haven’t lost a parent to death and I’m not close with my family.

She later shared this brief update:

MIL agreed to go in to 24/7 palliative care near us. A nun discussed the situation with MIL and she agreed that it would be best if she chose that route.