'AITA for wanting my fiancé to take me on a dream vacation instead of taking his sister?' UPDATED
"AITA for wanting my fiancé to take me on a dream vacation instead of taking his sister?"
For context, I recently told my (38f) fiancé (33M) that I wanted to fly to Portland to see my favorite band in concert and stay for two nights to hang around the city and have some fun — just the two of us — like old times (we used to live in Portland before we had our first baby).
He didn’t have much of a reaction to my little dream trip. He sort of mumbled, “mhm” under his breath. He didn’t share in the excitement whatsoever. Then, yesterday whilst driving he casually said his younger sister (29f) wanted to take a trip to Portland (sans her kids), and he was so excited and wanted to go with her.
My heart sank. It hurt knowing he wanted to go on this trip with his sister and didn’t even ask me to join knowing damn well it’s what I have been dreaming of doing.
Any time I express my feelings to him he says, “Your feelings aren’t valid” and somehow turns my reaction into the problem and I end up apologizing. Mind you, my family is planning a trip to Italy next summer and he is invited along with our kids (our little family).
And I’m exceptionally excited about our destination trip. Anyways, am I overreacting? I’m genuinely curious to understand and self- reflect, so your honest opinions on the matter are welcome.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
If Portland is your dream vacation, you need to dream bigger.
venusoflove444 OP responded:
Portland holds sentimental value because we lived there before we moved out of state. And going on these two day trips is what we’ve been doing for the past 7 years. It’s more like a weekend getaway, but I call it “my little dream vacation”.
If his MO is to retort with "your feelings aren't valid", you have far bigger problems than him choosing to take his sister to Portland over you. How utterly ab#%$ve. NTA
yeah, when I read that, I was thinking "I hope she doesn't have kids with him." Then I read the next sentence.
Tell him that HE isn't going to Italy with you, and when he says something, tell him that his feelings aren't valid and watch him break up with you because you said that. See what you should do. NTA
You need to immediately stop and reevaluate getting married to that man, or even being with that man any longer. When you get married...
Do you expect him to suddenly change?
Do you expect him to suddenly care?
Do you expect him to put you before his family/sister ?
You need to stop dreaming, because this won't be happening.
Easy solution: You go to Portland with his sister. He can stay home and enjoy the peace.
It sounds like he wants to get away from you for a while. And from the sound of your relationship, it might do you both some good.
"Your feelings aren't valid" = the very definition of gaslighting.
venusoflove444 OP responded:
Indeed! I am well educated in depth psychology and dark psychological analysis. I called him out on this behavior and I am not allowing it to continue any longer.
NTA. It's unfair that your fiancé prioritizes his sister over you.
venusoflove444 OP responded:
Thank you. I let him know that our family takes precedence over anyone and this is a dealbreaker for me.
"Anytime I express my feelings to him he says, 'Your feelings aren’t valid' and somehow turns my reaction into the problem and I end up apologizing." Then why are you with him and going to get married to him if he literally never takes your feelings into account, tells you they aren't valid, and act like everything is your fault?
venusoflove444 OP responded:
He wasn’t like this in the beginning of the relationship. Unfortunately, people’s true colors don’t show until much later sometimes and I am putting my foot down on this nonsense. I am a strong independent woman. I’ve always been and I’m not afraid to be alone or leave this situation.
You can bet he won’t be coming to Italy with the family!
venusoflove444 OP responded:
I told him he isn’t going if he pulls this s%$^e again!
Six hours after posting OP came back with a small update:
Wow, THANK YOU 🙏🏽 for your replies!! I didn’t expect anyone to read this lol I simply wanted to express my feelings and get a different perspective.
To everyone who said my feelings are valid and I am worthy and deserving— your kind words inspired me to stand up for myself. I feel liberated and empowered speaking my truth and letting him know what is and isn’t acceptable to me in this relationship.
My fiancé and I had a serious conversation and he apologized for his behavior, took accountability, and validated my feelings. I appreciate your support so much 🤍