'AITA? My fiancé told me 'this is it, take it or leave it.' So I gave him the ring back and told him to get out of my house.' UPDATED
"AITA? My fiancé told me 'this is it, take it or leave it.' So I gave him the ring back and told him to get out of my house."
My fiancé Tom (37M) and I (28F) have been together 2 years. He moved into my house 6 months ago and proposed a month ago. I thought we were solid, but now I’m questioning everything.
I inherited a fortune 3 years ago. It changed my life but I live below my means, I work part time as a teacher, travel, and have a nonprofit in the works. I budget carefully so the money lasts. Only my dad and sister know the full amount.
When Tom moved in, I paid everything except most groceries. He wanted us to eventually buy a bigger house together so his dad could move in. I said no to living with in-laws, but suggested maybe a separate unit someday. He pushed back but agreed we needed to discuss finances first.
Tom earns ~10k/month and has 100k saved. I have millions invested and about 40k/month income from it. When I told him, he was shocked. He said if I have so much, why not just buy the house and cover everything? I explained that just because I can doesn’t mean I should.
I proposed separate finances, a joint account for expenses, and splitting costs proportionally to income. I also told him I wanted a prenup. That’s when things blew up. He argued we should be “equal partners,” meaning I buy the house in both our names even if he doesn’t contribute.
We fought about this for days. Eventually he gave me an ultimatum: “Final offer—you buy the house, we each own 50%, I’ll sign the prenup, take it or leave it.” I asked if that meant breaking up if I said no. He hesitated but said yes.
So I left it. I took off the ring, told him it was over, and that he needed to move out. He backtracked, saying he didn’t really want to end things, just wanted me to agree. He accused me of throwing away our relationship for money. I told him he threw it away by demanding I fund our life and give him half of assets I worked to protect.
Now I’m wondering if I sabotaged my relationship. I love him, but I don’t think it’s fair to bankroll a grown man or accept ultimatums about my own money.
AITA?
EDIT: When we first started dating, he understandably questioned how I managed my lifestyle on a teaching salary. I explained that I had a small inheritance which allowed me to buy my house and have some savings to live on.
I admit I may have been wrong to be vague, but at the time we were just starting to date and I wasn’t comfortable sharing all the details yet. My house is nice, but nothing extravagant, and during our relationship we always split expenses 50/50 (dates, trips, everything).
When he moved in, I offered to keep covering the utilities (since I was already paying them), and he would handle groceries. Things were fine until after we got engaged. I pushed for us to discuss everything openly before marriage, and we agreed on most things.
About his father moving in: This isn’t something he wants right away, but he says eventually his dad would move in so he can take care of him. I adore his father, but I personally don’t want to live with in-laws.
His solution was that we should buy another house together, so he would feel like it’s “our” home instead of him living in my house. I understood that perspective, but the new house would also have to be larger if his dad were to move in, which I’m not comfortable with.
About finances: Initially, when we discussed buying another house, the plan was to contribute together. But once we started looking at what we could afford, we had to lay our finances on the table. When he found out my net worth, everything shifted.
He said that if we split 50/50, we couldn’t afford a bigger house, and since I “had the means,” I should buy the house myself, but it would still be “our” house. I told him that whatever amount he contributes would equal his share of equity in the property.
Maybe I was naive, but until this point, I never saw signs of him being a gold digger. He never pressured me to pay for things and always split expenses fairly. That’s why this change has been such a shock.
Right now, I’m locked in my bedroom, and I told him he can sleep in the guest room tonight but that he needs to move out tomorrow. We haven’t spoken since. That’s where things stand. Thank you all so much for the support and comments, it means a lot. And just to clarify, this is a throwaway account I created for privacy reasons.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
🤣🤣🤣🤣 NTJ and perfect answer.
NTJ. He sabotaged the relationship by holding it hostage to guilt you into funding his lifestyle.
You said he makes $10,000 a month why isn't he paying more just because you have the money doesn't mean that you should be paying more of the bills. He was a gold digger and he is very upset that his shovel did not work.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Wow, this blew up! Thank you so much for all your comments and support. This morning I woke up and Tom had made breakfast and asked if we could talk. He said things got out of control last night and he wanted to explain his side.
He told me he was upset that I had lied about my finances and felt like I didn’t trust him. He said the money difference made him feel that I would always have more power in the relationship and that he might be vulnerable to financial abuse.
He insisted that he wasn’t interested in my money but wanted to feel that I would choose him over money. He admitted that he handled things badly and should never have reacted the way he did or given me an ultimatum. He said he felt lost and frustrated.
The only thing he emphasized really matters to him is his father eventually moving in. They’re very close, and he wants to take care of him as he gets older. He apologized, said he didn’t want to lose me, and told me he was willing to accept my conditions.
I apologized for not being upfront about my inheritance, but I also told him I wasn’t sure I could continue the relationship. His reaction last night felt entitled and manipulative, and I’m afraid he was showing me who he really is.
I told him I love him, but I’m worried money will always be an issue between us. If he’s already pushing for a house before marriage, what else might he push for later? I explained that the only way I could even consider continuing is if he agreed to:
A bulletproof prenup stating that in case of divorce, he only leaves with what he contributed—nothing more. Agreeing to buy a house together, but his equity would reflect his contribution only. (I also suggested options like a guesthouse for his father or a condo nearby, but not living directly with us.)
Creating a monthly budget where we both contribute proportionally to our incomes into a joint account for shared expenses, while keeping our separate accounts for personal money. Going to counseling together. He agreed to all of this. Still, I told him I don’t know if I can trust him again and need time to think. He agreed to go stay in a hotel for a few days to give us both space.
Right now, I honestly don’t know what to do. Part of me sees his point and wonders if he just overreacted. But another part of me is afraid that if I ignore his behavior, I’ll be setting myself up for bigger problems in the future. I would really appreciate your help in figuring out where to go from here.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Money doesn't change people but it exposes their true self. Take that information as you will.
I’m skeptical of his overnight change of heart, tigers don’t change their stripes.
He said the money difference made him feel that I would always have more power in the relationship and that he might. But I'm guessing it would have been ok for him to have the power if it was the case where he had more money.
You are 28. Leave him. You’ll find someone better.
A 28 year-old millionaire, let's not forget. I don't doubt OP will be able to find love again, but I do worry this won't be the last time they run into the issue of discussing financials.
Hard agree. He feels emasculated, he tried to take control as a response. He is never going to have your back. Yes its the money but it's also the maturity. He said yes to everything you asked for OP. Did he offer any genuine solution himself?