'My fiance wants me to remove the tattoo my ex gave me and I refuse. AITA?' UPDATED 2X

"My (29F) fiance (29M), has a problem with my tattoo."

I married my high school sweetheart, Micah, after college when we were both 22. We were married for 4 years (together for 10) before we both decided that we weren't meant for each other & got a divorce. There were absolutely no hard feelings, we parted on civil terms & we still keep in touch on rare occasions with each others family.

Micah went to school for art & is a very very talented artist, and at the time when we were married I asked him to design a tattoo for me. It's a very simple flower that I love and is on the inside of my bicep. I oftentimes forget that it's even there and it's easily covered by a t-shirt.

I have been with my fiance Gabe for about 2 years - he's such a great guy & I love him so much. It has recently come to light that Gabe has a problem with my tattoo. He has asked me to find a way to get it covered because it reminds him of Micah and thinks that every time I look at it I'm reminded of Micah as well.

No matter how many times I try to tell him that's not the case he still has asked me to change the design somehow. I don't want to change the design, I don't want to cover it up, I don't want to do anything to it. I don't think of my ex when I look at it, I'm not reminded of "the good times" like Gabe thinks I am - I just see a beautiful flower that half the time I forget is there because I've had it for almost 10 years.

I've told Gabe that I'm not making any changes and he got extremely upset and is telling me I'm not being sensitive to his feelings. Wtf do I do, I understand where he's coming from but at the end of the day it's my damn body and my tattoo and I don't want to change it. AITA?

EDIT: Sorry, I wrote this super quick. Over the course of our discussion of the tattoo I have suggested small ways to modify the tattoo and he has shot every suggestion down. He wants me to completely cover the flower so no part of it is visible.

If I were to redo the tattoo how he wants it will no longer be in the smaller side, which is another reason I like the tattoo. In my OP I said I've told Gabe I'm not making any changes - I told him this because he is not willing to allow me to make small changes, it's all or nothing for him and that's why I wrote this

TLDR: Fiance is upset that I won't change a tattoo that my ex-husband designed

This is what people had to say to OP:

Black_Otter said:

You e had the tattoo for as long as you've known your fiancé. He was ok enough with it to date you and ask you to marry him and I doubt you've given him and reason to doubt your loyalty or trust. He's just going to have to get over it. He's known you for YEARS and now it's a big issue?

OP responded:

He has literally never once said anything about my tattoo before. Ever. When we first started dating I told him right away that Micah designed it & he complimented me on how pretty it was & mentioned Micah was talented. That's the only time we've really even discussed the tattoo

bravetoasterisbrave said:

Am I the only one who thinks this is silly? Are you supposed to get a new car, new apartment and new bed every time you break up with somebody? Got a dog with your ex? Better put it down.

What exactly is wrong with thinking about your ex once in a while anyway? How dare you have pleasant memories of someone you spent years of your life with. Ugh.

[deleted] said:

The tattoo is part of you and your marriage to & divorce from Micah are part of your history. You have a right to your body and to your history; your fiancee needs to get it through his head that getting married at 29, he can't be the first man you truly loved. But, he can be the man you love forever. And that's more than enough. Isn't it?

epichuntarz said:

It would be one thing if the tattoo had your ex's initials, or was some matching tattoo you got with him, or something like that, but that's not the case here.

He's being VERY unreasonable.

You may have to stick to your guns on this-if he's not going to budge, and it's a dealbreaker for you, that may just be the end of it.

Ten days later, OP shared this update:

After the post I sat Gabe down & explained to him that I heard him & I understood him, but I was not going to alter my tattoo if he wasn't willing to compromise (he wanted me to get the entire thing covered so you couldn't see any part of the original, despite me offering suggestions for altering it).

He was very pissed & accused me of still being in love with Micah. I told him that Micah was a large part of my life for over 10 years and I didn't harbor any ill feelings towards him. The tattoo wasnt in "honor" of Micah or to conmemorate our marriage, it was just a flower a talented artist I happened to be married to at the time designed.

It is unfortunate for Gabe that the tattoo was drawn up by him, and maybe I was an idiot for even mentioning it when we first started dating. If he couldn't meet me halfway in figuring out a suggestion that didn't include making it a million times larger by covering the whole thing, I told him I was just going to leave it. I even asked if he wanted to work with what he had & design a new one ffs

So he took a few days to himself, stayed at his friends house & didn't respond to my phone calls or texts. Cool. When he finally came home he said he had gone out every night to the bar with his friend & in the end his friend "convinced" him this wasn't a big deal and he should let it go.

I asked why he didn't respond to me at all over the course of these few days & he said he was thinking about things but in the end he loves me more than anything & the tattoo doesn't matter.

So I thought that was the end of it, I was still pissed he never acknowledged my texts but we had moved on from the tattoo so I was fine. The next day he kept making passive aggressive remarks about my tattoo though & would find a way to work it into every conversation ("Want to go to the farmer's market later? - Sure, I need to get some flowers for my mom's birthday - Oh, like the one on your bicep?").

I told him that was BS and I wasn't going to put up with him rehashing the argument at every opportunity he could find. He eventually admitted one of his friends Briana kept pestering about him my tattoo and getting under his skin about me covering it.

She told him if she were in my shoes that she'd cover it up no questions asked, why didn't I do it when I knew were becoming serious, do I still wish I was with Micah, if i really loved Gabe I'd cover it without hesitation.. according to him was basically obsessed with the tattoo. It had never bothered him before but eventually she got to him & he started to feel uneasy about it.

THEN come to find out Briana has the hots for Gabe & made advances. He shut her down and told her it was inappropriate, but after that fiasco became fixated with one of the comments she made about if I really loved Gabe I'd cover it up immediately so that's why he was so adamant about it.

I explained I loved him but was very uncomfortable with the "if you love me then x" way of thinking, and if he thought that way we would need to take a break & re-evaluate our relationship goals.

He was very insistent that he doesn't think this way and he was still getting over the shock of Briana's confession and apologized for not telling me about it earlier - he was still trying to process it all. Briana and I have never gotten along so I'm not surprised she put the stupid idea in his head, or that she confessed her undying love to him.

Ultimately he is fine with my tattoo & doesn't want me to make any changes. He has respect for Micah and his talents and doesnt dislike him in any way (they've always gotten along any time we happen to see him). He understands I have a past & accepts that and admitted he handled this situation poorly.

He is going to cut her out & we have made an appt to go to counseling. The wedding is on hold for awhile until we can learn to communicate properly. I still love him so much & have no doubt that we will make this work, we just need a little extra help working through some things. Thanks for everyone's insight, it really helped tremendously!

TLDR: Female friend has hots for fiance, fiance isn't upset at tattoo anymore. Wedding is on hold until we can learn how to communicate

EDIT: A lot of people are saying Gabe spent time with Briana instead of being at the bar with his friend like he told me. Several of my friends saw him at the bars with Dave, the guy he was staying with. When he told me about Briana having a crush on him I checked her fb & she was out of town the same time he was with Dave (her status updates had the GPS location turned on so she legitimately was not around).

A month later, OP shared this second update:

I figured I should clear a few things up before this update. Briana and Gabe are friends because they grew up together. Their moms are best friends so they are very close and as a result he values her opinion. This is probably why they discussed my tattoo in the first place, although I agree that it was none of Briana's business.

Her and I don't get along because she has always tried to "assert her dominance" if you will and constantly reminds me that they grew up together and she knows him so well, etc. It's obnoxious.

Many said that Gabe wasn't responding to my texts & calls because he was screwing Briana the few days he left. I had checked her fb and she was out of town according to her status. The GPS location was turned on so unless she had some way to manipulate her fb, she was legitimately out of town for a wedding.

Several of MY friends saw Gabe out at the bars with his friend Dave, the guy he was staying with. They texted and called me to see if I was going to come out too, but I just said I wasn't feeling too hot.

We had our first counseling session last week and it went way better than I could have hoped for. The counselor helped us with techniques to better communicate and we've begun to utilize those techniques in our daily conversations.

I'll admit at first I was annoyed with the new ways the counselor wants us to talk to one another, but we did have a slight disagreement over something dumb and the methods we learned in just one session seemed to have help, so we're both receptive to these counseling sessions. We have another one scheduled for next week.

Gabe's work offers couples retreats monthly and we were fortunate enough to partake in one this past weekend. Let me tell you - if you ever get this opportunity I strongly encourage every couple to do at least one in the duration of their marriage/relationship. It was amazing.

I have truly never felt closer to Gabe than I did that weekend and I'm so glad that he mentioned something about it and wanted us to do this together. Some of the building exercises that we did really helped us to connect and get on the same page again, and I seriously cannot say enough positive things about the retreat.

When we got home Briana tried to get in touch with him, but he told her not contact him again because she was undermining me and our relationship. He expressed that he was sorry that their friendship had to end this way, but that ultimately I take precedent and she was toxic to our relationship.

I could hear her crying on the phone and had a moment of weakness where I was about to tell him to reconsider cutting her out, but then I remembered that she is in love with him & caused him to doubt my commitment to him so screw her.

A couple hours later Gabe got a phone call from his mom Marilyn asking what was going on. Briana called her mom (who in turned called Gabe's mom) & told her Gabe is stopping all contact with her for no reason. Apparently I'm a controlling bitch who is intimidated by her and felt threatened by their friendship.

Gabe set his mom straight and told her how Briana was trying to get into his head regarding my tattoo and how she confessed to being in love with him, among other shady things she's done that I haven't mentioned in previous posts. His mom said she always thought him and Briana would end up together but after hearing what he said, is glad he's not ending up with some "jealous and bitter brat". God bless Marilyn.

So there you have it, folks. We're in counseling, went on a retreat, cut Briana out and no longer have a problem with my flower tattoo. The wedding is still on hold but we're heading in the right direction and I know we'll get there eventually.

TLDR: Everything's peachy