'AITA? My fiancée and my brother can’t get along in a shared house.'
"AITA? My fiancée and my brother can’t get along in a shared house."
My fiancée (23F), my brother (25M), and I (26M) have been living together in my late grandfather’s house for about a year now. Before she moved in, it was just me and my brother.
The problem is that my fiancée and my brother have really different standards when it comes to cleanliness, and it’s been causing issues. She complains to me a lot about the mess he leaves, and when she does, I usually just clean it up myself. Then she gets annoyed and says I’m a pushover, but honestly, I don’t mind doing it.
My brother’s really sensitive, and if I was constantly bringing stuff up to him, it’d just make things awkward between us. Plus, my fiancée knew what the house was like and how my brother is before moving in.
Lately, it’s been getting worse because my brother got a dog. Now my fiancée’s been pretty demanding with him telling him he has to buy certain things, has to clean up ASAP, etc. It’s making the whole house tense. I told her she doesn’t really have authority over him, and she’s just making it worse, but she thinks it’s my responsibility to make him change.
I told her that at the end of the day, she can’t make him do anything, and if she has a problem, she should bring it up to him directly. But she doesn’t agree, and her family also thinks I should be the one dealing with it, which is frustrating.
So I suggested that if it’s bothering her that much, she could stay at her parents’ place for now, and we can just live together after the wedding when we’re ready to get our own place. I still see her and her family all the time, so it’s not like we’d be apart much.
She thinks I’m babying my brother, but I feel like she’s overstepping by trying to control how he lives in a shared house. AITA for telling her to just accept the situation or consider staying at home until we get our own place?
Edit: Just to add contextual information because people are asking about ownership of the house, it has been inherited by another family member who is letting us live there rent free. We all split any added bills evenly.
Also our relationship is going great and we know it isn’t a permanent situation, the amount of people suggesting us to split up is wild! Getting advice on actual solutions to the situation would be great instead of just ending everything lol.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Don't marry her. You decided to baby your brother. She doesn't need to deal with y'all mess. 25 yo, and he needs his brother to clean after him? You do realise you're not doing him any favours, right?
The worst thing is to see grown ups who are completely incapable of taking care of themselves because no one ever taught them how. You’re putting your brother at a disadvantage.
YTA. Your brother is acting like a baby and you are enabling him. YOU should be the one dealing with your family instead of making your fiancé do it. Any adult living with another adult has a responsibility to not be a slob.
YTA. "So I suggested that if it’s bothering her that much, she could stay at her parents’ place for now, and we can just live together after the wedding when we’re ready to get our own place." .. you are aiming for a wedding cancelation and a break up, aren't you?
Sure, it is not her house, but if you don't have her back now, how could she trust you to do it after you get married? The reasonable solution is: Move out with her, and IF that works - when you actually have shown you will chose her - THEN maybe get married.
Nothing like the good old 'we'll just push this problem back and it will be fixed by getting married'. That is not how this works, not how relationships work. Living together before marriage is to work out all the kinks so you know you can live together happily.
Question: Why does him being “sensitive” mean he can’t do chores and learn to be a contributing member of the household? Who does own the house? Do you all pay rent/utilities? What does the OWNER of the house think about his care of it? How much will they have to pay to repair the crap your brother is messing with?
What does the future ownership of the house look like? Why did he get a dog he won’t take care of? And why wasn’t this an all yes, 1 no situation? For this not being either of your house, you guys are treating your gf, roommate #3, like crap and not respecting her at all. And telling her to “just move out” is such a great solution for possible future married couple.
Why don’t you two move out now and get an apartment together? Is there a chance your brother has to live with you after you’re married and you’ll expect your wife to accommodate? That sure af ain’t happening based on this.
YTA. I'm sorry for being direct, but you sound very immature and detached from it all. It IS your responsibility to be the go between her and your brother. Just as it is hers to be one between you and her family. Do you really think you will be able to build a marriage with a woman, whom you asked to move out of your house?
Sorry, that's a one way street of breaking up, and marriage is not even a possibility. Obviously your brother for some reason for you is more important than your fiancee. Make it a swift break up for less pain and for your own sake grow up before starting a new relationship.