'AITA for feeling insulted that my fiancee cancelled our wedding due to her son?'
"AITA for feeling insulted that my fiancee cancelled our wedding due to her son?"
PoppyCarob
So I (41m) first met my fiancee Reet (40f) when we were in high school and we really hit off all the way back then and started dating. The thing is, her family is Indian and they did not approve of a guy like me to the point where when she was 16 they took her to India to get married.
She got married to a guy about ten years older who was in the army there and was only 17 when she had their son Kavan. Now, when she was 21, she came back with her family and her husband wasn't controlling or anything.
He let her go be with all her friends, he even let us still be friends, had her go get her GED, go to university and get a job. By all accounts, her he did love her and treated her well even if the way they got married wasn't right she just never loved him even if she did appreciate him.
And I want to be very clear about this, she never cheated on him with me. I was dating other people and she wasn't the type of person who would do that. But the truth is that I never got over her either even though it was just teenage love.
So three years ago, her husband passed and two years ago we started dating and nobody could say anything this time. I proposed a year ago to get married August this year.
Her son joined the army after high school to honour his dad with his service and he was recently discharged. He was stationed overseas and he didn't see battle or anything (obviously) but he's come back with psych issues and PTSD because he saw some shit go down where he was.
Kavan's fiancee brought it up with Reet how bad he's been and this Saturday, we had a date scheduled but she cancelled because of Kavan. Apparently they got into a huge argument and according to her, it made her realize how bad his health is and she only wants to focus on him.
That means our wedding is off and our relationship is on pause and that got us into an argument because I still want to be there for her. I still want to have a future with her.
When I pointed this out she just said something like "my son is my life, not you or any future with you". And I guess I'm just here wondering, was ITAH to have brought the argument to such a point that she said that to me?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
cockitypussy
People change, she is no longer the 16 year old you knew, you still are in "fantasy world". Snap out of it.
Pot_pot_12
It's tough, but Reet's priority is understandably her son's well-being right now. It's important to communicate your feelings to her and find a balance that respects both your relationship and her son's needs.
The OP responded here:
PoppyCarob
And I would love to do that but it's like the only two people she wants to deal with are her son and her future daughter-in-law.
Pot_pot_12
Her son will always be a priority, especially with her cultural values. Supporting her and her son during this tough time could ease her worries and might help her to focus on other things, like your relationship. Being there for both of them can strengthen your bond and help you navigate through this rough patch together.
The OP again responded:
PoppyCarob
And I would love to be there with her but it's almost like I'm an outsider who has no right to be there for her while this is going on with her son. It's like if we had already gotten married, there'd be no issue but because we're not, there is.
l3ex_G
NAH she’s always a mom first, and I don’t think she’s wrong to not get married since she wants to focus on her son. You should be able to do what you want but she made her choice.
judgingA-holes
INFO: I feel like something is missing here. Did you argue with her and say you didn't want to postpone the wedding? I'm just trying to figure out how "I still want to be there for you" would have turned into her saying "my son is my life, not you or any future with you."
The OP again responded:
PoppyCarob
Yes, I said that there was no reason to postpone us getting married and I pointed out that the longer we wait, then there's a chance some things like children might not happen because we're in our 40s now and if we wait she's obviously going to want to focus on her son's marriage and grandchildren. Most of the argument revolved kind of around those points.
ONROSREPUS
It is clear to me that you are 2nd fiddle to her son. Not equal. Not sure if you will ever be equal.
SlinkyMalinky20
You aren’t wrong for feeling how you feel, but she’s doing the right thing. Her first priority is her child and she feels like he needs more of her than she’s got to give while moving towards marriage with you. You need to respect her and that even if it makes you sad.
Material_Cellist4133
NAH. I understand you want to be a priority but her son is sick. Yes being mentally unwell is also being sick. If you want to be with her, you have to show patience and understanding.