'AITA? My fiancée is upset my sister's marriage began from an affair, but I don't care.'

"AITA for not caring about my sister's marriage starting from an affair?"

My sister (30F) is getting married next month. She and her fiance, let's call him Tim (30M), have been dating for 3 years. They've been friends for most of their lives, and we've all known each other forever. My fiancée and I are in the wedding party. I'm excited for this wedding. My fiancée was as well, but now she's conflicted.

Tim was married before and has an 11 year old son. At 18, he got someone pregnant and their families forced them to get married. The marriage ended shortly after Tim cheated on her by hooking up with a girl. Not sure how long that marriage was, but I think his 21st birthday was after the divorce was final.

My fiancée knew this, but before now, she didn't know that the girl he hooked up with is my sister. Now she's appalled that we support Tim and my sister getting married, or my sister at all for being "the other woman".

I think this is ridiculous. For one, everyone was just far too young for the labels she's putting on it. I won't call it anyone's greatest moment, but two 19 year olds hooking up in a dorm room is just not an affair. I don't care what legal documents you have.

He was too young to be married in the first place and it was a weird situation. I don't even think he or the girl were 21 when the divorce was finalized. Two, it's not like they decided to immediately start dating and get married immediately post his divorce. They were 26 when they actually started a relationship, and are 30 now!

Now my fiancée is angry and thinks my family and I support cheating, my sister is about to lose a bridesmaid, and there's all this drama over frankly what should be nothing. Am I really being too casual about this?

This is what people had to say to OP:

FonkinJones said:

In all things regardless of your own stance, trying to diminish someone else's feelings won't get them to stop feeling how they do. Don't try to change their mind. Just listen and seek to understand.

When someone is communicating with you, you don't have to agree with them to hear them out and validate their feelings. It IS understandable that your fiance feels a little uncomfortable with it. It was a messy situation. First openly hear all of your fiance's concerns.

Validate her feelings about it. Then tell them why you changed your mind about it, or why you think differently about it. Don't try to change their mind, just explain why you think differently.

When a person feels like the person listening to them hears them and is trying to understand their point of view, it allows them to step away from defensiveness and open themselves to new ways of thinking.

urusingwhatever said:

I mean, I definitely understand where you're coming from; but have you considered your "c'mon it doesn't even count as cheating" attitude might make your wife wonder if you had any of these 'it doesn't count' stories of your own?

You don't have to cut your sister off, or drop out of the wedding or make a big stand or anything -- but a simple "yeah, it's kind of fucked up how it started but it is what it is" conversation with your wife is WAY better than telling her it "wasn't an affair" just because they were young.

Like, I'm sorry but repeatedly hooking up with someone outside of your marriage ABSOLUTELY is an affair- you don't get to say it's not just because it's your sister and you think 19 year olds somehow don't grasp the concept of infidelity. Maybe your wife is uncomfortable with your vehement belief that her affair wasn't cheating.

Highlife-Mom said:

Yea she is probably thinking you are the same way.

Sufficient_Fruit234 said:

What would she like you to do? Not show up at the wedding? Cut your sibling off? I’m not sure what is the end game here. Your sibling is not asking anyone’s permission; adults do what they want.

OneChange2826 said:

YTA for thinking that it was not cheating. If your married and you sleep with someone besides your wife it's cheating. If your sister knew he was married she a POS AS WELL.

Susanrkat said:

I don’t understand all the consternation over your sister and Tim finding out after 7 years apart that they really want to be together. The forced marriage was a huge mistake. And, yes, he shouldn’t have cheated. But that’s what happened and I’m sure everyone involved has emotionally paid for the entire mess.

Did Tim’s x really want to marry him?

I imagine the marriage wasn’t too happy.

How do Tm and his x handle co-parenting?

OP responded:

I don't know, but from what I've heard, Tim is an active father and things are fine.

I know the kid's mother and her husband are invited to the wedding, so there can't be that much drama.