'AITA for not wanting my fiance's disabled sister to be one of my bridesmaids?' UPDATED

"AITA for not wanting my fiance's severely disabled sister to be one of my bridesmaids?"

So hear me out. I know it sounds bad. My fiance has a 17-year-old younger sister (Younger Sister) who is medically fragile and has severe intellectual development issues. I don't know exactly what her diagnosis is, because his parents don't really talk about it. They often pretend like she is not medically fragile.

She is in a wheelchair, on a feeding tube and I don't think she really knows where she is most of the time. So anyways I was at my inlaw's house with my fiance's older sister (Older Sister) putting together my bridesmaid's boxes.

The boxes are small and cardboard and on the outside have their names on the boxes and inside have confetti, a small bottle of champagne, candy, matching earrings necklace and hair clips, and a bath bomb. I am asking my niece who is 13 to be a bridesmaid so I had bought a small bottle of apple cider to put in her box instead of champagne.

So anyways my future MIL comes in the kitchen where we're putting together the boxes and she sees that there is a bottle of apple cider. She tells me "Oh honey this is so sweet of you but Younger Sister can't have this or the earrings." I tell her that the cider is for my niece and she asks me what Younger Sister is going to have in her box.

I tell her that I wasn't planning on Younger Sister being in my wedding and MIL and Older Sister get really weird and quiet and the rest of the night is really awkward. So I go home that night and MIL calls and tells me she's really hurt that I'm not including Younger Sister in the wedding.

I don't tell her exactly why but I do tell her that her son only has 5 groomsmen so I can only have 5 bridesmaids and I already included someone in their family in the bridal party. The real reason honestly is that I think it's kind of awkward and cruel to put younger sister in the wedding because of her condition and it just gives people the chance to gawk at her. So, AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

bluedog33 said:

NTA. From your description it doesn't really sound like the younger sister is really capable of being a bridesmaid in the traditional sense. In any case, it sounds like you only had 5 bridesmaid slots, and only wanted to use one on your finances sisters. You're obviously not close with the you get sister either.

Also weird that they assumed the you get sister was going to be in the wedding without you discussing. Ultimately it's your wedding and up to you who is in the wedding party.

[deleted] said:

This is actually a very thoughtful post, and based on that, NTA. You've given this some consideration and are asking for outside perspective. It's your day, so you get to decide all these details. That they don't like them is irrelevant..but revealing. You should take note of the message:

They have expectations (demands, really) .and they don't necessarily share them up front...so you might want to see this as an important opportunity to set the record straight about their need to discuss their expectations in advance and then their need to listen and respect your choice. Otherwise, you will likely have all sorts of boundary intrusions in the future.

ResidentPulse said:

NTA. You choose your bridal party. Is it possible to make her like a honorary bridesmaid or something who gets to wear a similar colour dress but doesn’t actually stand up at the front? It seems like they want her to be a bridesmaid for them not for her. May be possible to compromise. But it’s not required. What does your fiancé think?

And [deleted] said:

Take my NTA and hope you have a great wedding day.

EDITS:

Because people keep asking, Younger sister cannot consent or discuss being in the wedding. She would have no concept in being in a wedding and what's really going on around her. She only really understands her needs and the fact that we are attending to them.

She lives in a full-time care facility, she doesn't have the ability to speak, she doesn't know what's going on around her except that she has needs, we meet those needs. She understands us touching her holding her hands etc.

I have tried to form a relationship with her, I go visit her at the center she's in with my fiance when he asks me to go. I've sat and held her hand and talked to her. Participated in family days at the care center etc.

I had assumed that Younger Sister would play the same role as she did in Older Sister's wedding. At older sister's wedding, she was only present for the end of the ceremony to take a few family photos in a matching outfit to the bridal party and then was taken back to the care facility. She has severe seizures and requires constant care.

After Older Sister's wedding fiance and I took her a piece of cake (which the nurse told us she couldn't have) and also a centerpiece with flowers from the wedding. I ASSUMED that MIL would buy her a dress or an outfit matching my wedding colors and arrange for her to be there for photos, and that the next morning Fiance and I would take her a centerpiece with flowers for her room.

Her condition is not an assumption I am making. everything here is factual and is what doctors and nurses at the health care facility have told me and what my Fiance has told me. I am not "assuming" she doesn't know what is going on around or "deciding" that she doesn't understand because she is non-verbal. These are facts. This is the reality of her condition and I will no longer respond to comments like that.

Apparently this wasn't a big deal in Older Sister's wedding because MIL and FIL paid for the wedding whereas my parents and Fiance and I are paying for this one? I am very confused but MIL won't answer phone and that's what she said in text.

She later shared this update on the situation:

So I called my MIL with my Fiance and she pretty much told us this is because she feels like she has been excluded in the wedding process altogether, and she played a more active role in Older Sister's wedding last year.

My Fiance and I have only been engaged since May, so I was really confused because the only thing my fiance and I have done is decided we won't get married for another year, and decide our wedding colors and bridal party. My Fiance explained to her that my mother was doing all the typical mother-daughter bridal things because she is... my mother.

I only was putting together the bridal party boxes at MIL's house because the boxes were Older Sister's idea and she is an artist and was going to caligraphy all the names on the boxes. MIL seemed fine with this and didn't really mention Younger Sister at all just a long list of complaints about me that I didn't know she had.

Fiancé and I decided we might not even have a wedding to avoid further drama with her. I am honestly having cold feet about joining this family after MIL said all things she said about me, most of which came from left field and are not true. Thank you everyone for your comments and insight!