'My fiancé's new assistant texts him 24/7. He says he's 'mentoring' her. Am I being clueless?' UPDATED

"My (26f) fiancé (31m) got a new assistant at work. Am I being clueless?"

Here's the original post:

hi yall, 26f and 31m. We’ve been engaged since Christmas and our whole relationship has been a total fairytale, he’s my rock. here’s the tea. He got this huge promotion last month that involves travel and a new assistant, which is great! but his new assistant, Rachel (24f), is a little much. I met her once at a company happy hour last month and she was super sweet!

But she also told me I was “so lucky” and that she hoped to find a guy just like him someday. whatever tf that means? she texts him at all hours sending him memes and really pushing the whole mentorship thing. He says she’s just young and he’s trying to be a good mentor, which makes sense cause he’s a genuinely One of the kindest people I've met.

last week he had this business trip to chicago and rachel went with him because thats literally her job right? but when i was helping him unpack i found this receipt from a really fancy restaurant, way fancier than what his company usually approves for expenses. i didn't get to look at the bill before he said "ah i need that" and i just handed it over to him.

when i asked about it he got kind of weird and said they had to take a client there, but then changed the subject super fast. I didn't press him. Then I was looking through our shared cloud for a picture and saw that he screenshotted Rachel's Insta story from that same night, at that same restaurant.

It was a pic of just the two of them, looking all cozy in a booth with a caption that said “best boss ever!” He said the client took the picture right before they had to leave and that the dinner was a celebration for landing the account.

I wasn't too concerned until this morning, when phone was buzzing on the nightstand while he was in the shower. I saw a preview that said “last night was exactly what I needed 🤍". white heart's not a romantic heart, but i still was shocked.

I showed him the phone after he got out and he just laughed accusing me of snooping jokingly and showed me his texts, and it was just them talking about a presentation and her career. But that one message felt so out of place. Am I clueless??

(ps. he just told me as im writing this he’s going to have to start flying to LA once a month for the new development in LA and "help Rachel get settled in the new office" he got her promoted to. he said it’s a great excuse for us to have little weekend getaways. i don't know what to think or how to feel but im glad to have her out of my hair i guess)

What do you think is going on here? This is what commenters had to say:

Impossible_Balance11 said:

She is 100% gunning to take your man. Putting up boundaries is on him, and he's failing.

OP responded:

I didn't think people actually had that impulse. She definitely knows what she wants, career or otherwise. I trust him endlessly, she's being transferred at the end of the month anyways so I kind of just want to stay hands off. I'm going to ask him about what kind of boundaries he's set with her.

Significant_Fun9993 said:

His behavior was also unprofessional to do in front of a client. Celebratory or bot, there should not have been a pic of the two of them all cozy. As a mentor, he should have let her know how to act in public with a client. The receipt was a red flag, the photo was a huge red flag. There are red flags everywhere.

He might have called it a promotion but he might have moved her to about her position so he could date her which is still unprofessional and hurtful to you. When she said that she’d be lucky to have a guy like that, she was saying that she was going to take him from you. You’re young too big you wouldn’t act that way.

Who sends memes and hearts to their mentor or a colleague especially on their personal time. Your fiancé likes a young woman fangirling all over him. I would definitely question the engagement because he seems to think he’s ready to mingle.

JVEMets said:

Tell your fiance that part of being a “mentor” is teaching young mentees about professional boundaries. This seems like a lesson he may need himself.

Away-Understanding34 said:

"he said it’s a great excuse for us to have little weekend getaways" - so does that mean you are going to LA with him? How did she get promoted so fast? That's a little suspect. Honestly I would have put my foot down with the messaging at all hours.

That's not professional and I suspect their relationship is more personal than he is letting on. I really hope you are going on those trips. The skeptic in me thinks he got her promoted so she wouldn't be reporting to him anymore and they could carry on inappropriately. I would be keeping a close eye on this.

OP responded:

Yeah it was kind of sweet the way he proposed the trips. i'm not sure the details but from what i've seen she knows what she wants and she has the means and will to go get it.

Which makes me wonder if this is all just a little game by her, which he must be seeing. a man of his stature shouldn't be caving to assistants but, he seems to let it, which i guess is emotional cheating. thank you for your skepticism it's definitely welcomed here

wowieowie said:

My first thought was that he got her a promotion so he could date her without losing his job. But, Im a seriously suspicious person so....

NPDerm83 said:

There a a ton of red flags here..... You need to talk to him and express how you are feeling. The texting all night is absolutely not appropriate. What if you guys were married? Had kids? How would he feel if your male colleague at your work did the same?? This is the set up for an emotional affair and possibly a full blown affair.

Two days later, she shared this whopper of an update:

hey y'all, thank you for all the perspective and care on my last post, i can tell this community really wants to save me from pain, and many of you had really articulate perspectives. the situation is a little complex still. there were two other accidents I didn't mention in my original post on my profile (links aren't allowed here)

So the “accidents.” 1) apparently rachel called him as he was driving home from work this week crying about a family emergency. he tried to talk her through it but he ended up meeting her at a cafe before he came back for dinner. I was concerned, and as soon as he walks in i saw lipstick on his collar.

i was hesitant but like that's damning evidence. he said “she hugged me, i didn’t realize”. sir you cannot be playing with my emotions like that. he was very transparent about their chat and had to believe him so i shrugged it off telling him he shouldn't be seeing her after work hours.

2) spotify on desktop shows you what your friends are listening to, at work he was listening to a playlist named “Iterative Flow / Q2.”, it was collaborative and had only one other editor. it was mostly like 2014 chillstep… except one song, “I Feel Like I'm Drowning” which, if you've ever heard that song? go play it lol.

We were driving he hands me his phone “Add anything you want to the Q2 list, you have good taste, needs more chaos.” feels like he's playing the field.

after reflecting on this in the bath i had to bring all this up (I didn't mention the reddit post). He was calm when i confronted him about emotionally cheating. i brought up the receipts and the screenshot and he admitted it was a little over the line. "you're right to be concerned, i should have been clearer about boundaries from the start." he wasn't deflecting and he was apologetic that these things made me feel this way.

he assured me he didn't feel anything towards her, and i shouldn't feel threatened just because she "knows how to get her way".???. he suggested we all grab drinks together at trivia night so i could see their dynamic. i went to bed feeling like i'd been a little unfair but glad i brought it up.

so last night after reading all the comments, i met him at the bar, i was a bit wary but optimistic. He’s at a high-top with her and two other girl coworkers. they’re laughing, he sees me and introduces me to everyone as "my R&D funnel for creative problem solving". Um. he orders drinks for us and gets her a seltzer before she asks.

during trivia, they both slapped the bar at the exact same second when they knew the answer like they’ve rehearsed it. i wanted to drink every time she finished his sentences. Driving home, he says, “she just mirrors people really well. she reminds me of someone I knew” and didn't tell me who that might be.

is that praise or a confession? I press him saying I feel like he's giving her way more attention than is reasonable and he needs to stop for everyone's sake. Her crush on him shouldn't get in the way of our relationship and his career. i ask him "isn't this emotional cheating?" and he hesitated before saying "it's not like that"

Y'ALL. he proceeded to open a note on his phone and passed it to me. he had documented EVERY interaction with Rachel for the past month with times, contexts, and images. it had her little emergencies, it had the screenshot of them together at the restaurant in it and call logs and other zoom call transcripts I didn't know about. it was overwhelming and i barely skimmed it.

He said she's brilliant and manipulative, and that he needed a case before going to HR. "I was handling it and didn't want to worry you with something I could manage." He's said he's going to schedule a meeting with their boss to talk about what to do next..

i asked him if the dinner in chicago really was with a client and he said "Yes and no. We were celebrating landing an account with a client, but I also needed to ask her something I can't tell you right now, you just have to trust me."

I honestly had a big sigh of relief that I didn't have to be as tense about the whole thing but I am having trouble communicating the fact that they seem to need each other for whatever reason but I can't let it go on like how he's been doing. But I'm worried that if the boss will see it like he does because he went along with it.

Is there a good reason for why he didn't include me in this? He never outright lied to me, but he definitely curated what I saw. He probably could have shut her down more, but I was looking for reasons to not break off the engagement. He's the type to be in control, but sometimes I wonder if he likes the game a little too much. I think I'm going buy him that book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

EDIT: Holy moly, you guys have really made me pick up on some inconsistencies. About why I trust him- He's always played chess while me and everyone else thought checkers, but his endgame has always been for our good. I trust that he always has us in his heart, and choosing to trust him gives me more peace than anxiety. Because he's never full blown cheated, at least, that's my confidence in him.

Why haven't he or I told her off? I'm not sure the situation calls for that entirely. Why the secrecy with me? He's always worked to keep stress off me. He puts in his heart & soul every day to keep our household thriving, I am grateful that Love exists so we can share it together.

This is what commenters had to say:

Beck2010 said:

As a former HR Director: in your fiancé’s notes document, how many times did he note that he explicitly asked or told her to cease certain behaviors? As an example: when she called him for emotional support, he should have told her something like, “while I appreciate that you value my opinion/advice, calling to discuss a personal issue is not appropriate. This is something that cannot happen again.”

For someone who’s in management, he should know that he needs to have verbalized that Rachel needed to focus on work only and that her comments or behavior were inappropriate.

And his whole comment about asking her a question you can’t know about? C’mon… While it’s good you trust him, and it’s good he’s keeping record of Rachel’s machinations, it doesn’t seem as if he has the handle on it he thinks he does or has told you he does. Good luck. And update me!

froggaholic said:

Sorry what, he's making notes of things and writing it down for HR but helped her get a promotion in the last post? I'm confused.

Medium-Fudge459 said:

Oh sweet girl. He’s playing the hell out of you. What evidence does he have? He literally went along with EVERYTHING she’s done. He’s not a victim. His boss is going to see that they’ve been engaging in an emotional affair not that she’s persuing him and him turning her down. She’s no more to blame than he is.

And I think whateveratthispoint_ speaks for all of us when she said:

Girl.