'AITA for filing for divorce after my wife refused a paternity test and called me insecure?'

"AITA for filing for divorce after my wife refused a paternity test and called me insecure?"

I am a 34 man and I have been married to my wife Emily for 6 years. We have always had what I thought was a relationship. No big problems with trust, no cheating, normal arguments every now and then. 3 months ago Emily had our son.

This is when the problem started. Our son looks really different from both of us. Emily and I both have brown hair and brown eyes.. Our baby is very fair with light hair and grayish blue eyes. I know that genetics can be strange. I did not immediately think something was wrong.. I would be lying if I said the thought did not cross my mind.

Then my coworker made a joke about how the mailman must have light genes. It was supposed to be funny. It stuck with me. I started thinking about everything. A year ago Emily became really close to a male coworker. She always said they were friends and I believed her. Now I keep thinking about that time.

After weeks of feeling anxious I decided to talk to Emily. I told her I love her that I am not saying she cheated. I want to do a paternity test so I can be sure. I even said I would pay for it and that if it says I am the father I would never bring it up again. She got really upset.

She started crying yelling that I was saying she was a person that I do not trust her that after everything she went through with pregnancy and childbirth this is how I treat her. She said if I loved her I would not need proof. I tried to explain that it is not about love it is about being sure. That men do not have the guarantee that women do. Emily said that if I did the test she would never forgive me.

The argument got worse over the few days. She told her sister, who called me insecure. My own mother said asking for a test would hurt my marriage forever. Here is the thing: Emily refusing the test makes me more suspicious. If there is nothing to hide why say no? I even suggested we both do DNA tests to see what might explain our sons features. Emily said I was embarrassing her.

Week after another big fight where she said maybe I am just worried because I am the one who cannot be trusted something in me changed. I told her that if she will not agree to a paternity test I am going to file for divorce. I said I will not spend the rest of my life wondering.

Emily called me cruel. Said I am giving up on my family because of my own ego. She is now staying with her sister. Telling everyone I am throwing away our marriage because I cannot handle that my son does not look like me. I have not filed for divorce yet. I talked to a lawyer about what I can do.

Part of me feels like I am ruining my family because of my anxiety. The other part of me feels like if I ignore this doubt it will cause problems later. So AITA, for being ready to divorce my wife Emily because she will not do a paternity test?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Emotional_Charge_427 said:

"I told her that I love her not that im not saying she cheated" but asking for a paternity test implies cheating. Do you think the child looks like this coworker. Seeing how youre on the birth certificate, you can get a paternity test done without her (the mom)

Alarming-Seaweed-106 said:

Many babies are born with blue/grey eyes that eventually turn brown. Just because you both have brown eyes also doesn’t mean the baby will for sure have brown eyes.

Also, I’ve know blonde children that were born with jet black hair and children with dark brown hair that were born blond. It sometimes takes time for the pigment to develop. Sometimes 3 month olds don’t really strongly resemble either parent. You’d do sound like the AH to me. Sounds like Emily would be better off without you anyway.

MrSkellington1226 said:

So, telling her you want a test to make sure is 100% saying you don’t trust that she didn’t sleep with someone else. Whether she did, or not is a different story. So, I would really think hard if you think she did or not. Otherwise you have the potential to be ruining your family. One way or the other, a massive strain has been created that you might not be able to come back from.

Enough_Passage7926 said:

You know you can just spit swab the kid and yourself, right? RIGHT?? C'mon. All of this because some jack@$$ at work made a joke about the mailman? YTA. The good news is you can change and not be an @$$hole. The bad news is you are really stupid.

OP later shared this edit:

A lot of you are calling me yta. I want to set the record straight. I never said my wife was cheating on me. I just wanted a paternity test to feel better because I had some doubts not because I had any proof. I even told her that if the test showed I'm the dad I would say sorry and never bring it up again.

I know I could have gotten a test without her knowing. I didn't want to do it behind her back. I wanted to be open and honest with her of sneaky. Now it's not about the test; it's about how my concerns were dismissed and turned into personal attacks. I don't think asking for reassurance makes me a bad guy.

I'm not trying to "win" an argument. I just want to figure out how to move on without feeling bitter, for the rest of my life.