"AITA for financially screwing over my sister?"
Usually, I wouldn’t take personal advice from strangers online, but everyone in my life seems to think I’m a petty, scorned, bitter woman (which I probably am), and I need objective advice. My ex-husband (currently 43M) and I (43F) were college sweethearts. For me, life felt perfect. I trusted him completely.
That’s why it was so shocking when I found out he was in love with his much younger colleague. She was around 24 at the time. I won’t get into the details of how I found out, but the affair was well-known at his workplace. When I confronted him, all he said was, “I’m sorry. I tried really hard not to fall for her.” He didn’t seem sorry at all. It felt like he wanted me to leave him. So I did. That was six years ago.
Our son was four then, and it was the worst time of my life. I honestly don’t know how I got through it. And because I was desperate, I wanted him to fight for me, to fight for our family. But he didn’t. He was quick to sign the divorce papers and didn’t even fight for custody. It was as if he had started a new life and completely erased the old one.
It took years of therapy to feel normal again, to stop checking that woman’s social media and comparing myself to her. The fact that she’s very pretty and charming didn’t help. His family loved her.
And as disgusting as it sounds, one of our common friends even said it out loud, ‘I don’t support cheating but I mean, look at her’, when I told her about the cheating. I guess that’s what everyone was thinking, this one was just stupid enough to voice it out. So I had to cut off that group of friends too.
They got married three years ago and now have a daughter. A picture-perfect little family. The current arrangement is that our son stays with my ex on weekends and holidays, which works fine for the most part.
Last week, I found out my sister (28f) has been in touch with my ex all these years. That would’ve been forgivable, since they were close when we were married and she saw him as a brother. But she’s actually best friends with his new wife. And she kept it from me for six years.
I only found out because she left her phone at my house, and I saw several texts from the wife. When I asked her about it, she just brushed it off and said it wasn’t a big deal. I told her she can do what she wants, but I will be cutting her off completely (I was helping her pay her college loans lol). and going no contact.
She called me unreasonable and said I’m being petty and unable to move on from something that happened a long time ago. She also said the wife is a lovely person and a good friend. She said she will be fucked, financially speaking. I told her to go screw herself. Somehow, my parents agree with her. So, AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Fire_or_water_kai said:
So your sister only cared to have you pay her loans. That's why she kept it a secret, and that's why you shouldn't feel bad cutting her off. She needs to ask your lovely ex and his wife to foot the bill from here on out. NTA.
OP responded:
I know. She clearly chose a side during the divorce but pretended to be on mine for the money.
[deleted]
Your sister doesn't love you.She doesn't care about your pain.
OP responded:
I’m realising that now. I thought I was done with my share of dealing with betrayals but guess not lol.
Wadewilson101 said:
NTA, anyone who sides with a cheater is probably a cheater themself. Maybe your sister can ask your ex and his wife to help instead seeing as how they are best friends
OP responded:
It’s strange, and I honestly don’t know what level of pretty privilege this is, but no one seems to care what they did. They see two attractive people and act like that justifies everything. The cheating doesn’t matter because they’re easy to look at. If nothing else, it made it a lot easier for me to cut a lot of people out of my life.
avid-learner-bot said:
NTA, OP. Honestly, I'm kinda shocked your sister hid her friendship with them from you, I mean, she's your sister. I once helped my brother hide a surprise party for his wife, but this... yeah, this is different.
OP responded:
Yup. Six years, countless interactions and not a word.
Embarrassed_Loss_584 said:
NTA. Sooner or later one of those perfect people will cheat again and you can eat some popcorn while all their friends take sides.
OP responded:
I don’t doubt that. But honestly, this woman worships my ex. From what I’ve heard, she pursued him despite knowing he was married. And he didn’t resist. He’s a despicable human being, and so is she.
[deleted]
Does your son know you feel this way?
OP responded:
Obviously not. Whatever our issues are, that’s still his dad who he adores. I am capable of setting aside my feelings for the sake of my child.
Have they tried to turn your son against you? How does he feel about you? He must be 11 or 12 now, right? Have you figured out how to tell him what happened when he figures things out?
I'm worried he'll turn out to be one of those people who justifies the affair too because he likes the mistress. NTAH But I'm worried everyone around you can't be trusted and may turn your son against you when he finds out.
Edit: Did your sister know about the cheating too?
OP responded:
They haven’t. He enjoys his time with them, and looks forward to it. I haven’t thought that long into the future. He’s 10 now. Maybe when he’s older I’ll tell him the truth. I don’t know tbh. Right now he’s happy with whatever arrangement we have.
Photobuff42 said:
Why the hell do your parents agree with your sister? I hope you get some therapy to deal with all the users in your life. NTA.
OP responded:
My ex and my sister were pretty close all those years we were married. I mean, she’s known him since she was a kid. So they think it’s not fair for me to want her to cut him off completely. I would’ve been fine with that but again, she hid this for six years. And being close friends with his wife is just pushing it too far.
4 days later OP posted this update:
This is my first and last update.
So I spoke to my sister again.
She apologised for reacting that way the last time. Also for keeping it from me all these years. She said she didn’t tell me because she knew I would ask her to choose, and she didn’t want to be in that position. She said she never wanted to hurt me, but at the same time, she couldn’t bring herself to walk away from the people who had been there for her.
She said it never felt fair to cut him off completely. Growing up, our parents were barely around. They were always busy with work. And for a long time, it was just me and my ex who were actually present in her life. He was like family to her.
Then she brought up the accident she was in around five years ago. I knew about it, of course. She had multiple fractures, hematomas, and internal bruising. She was in the hospital for a while and bedridden for weeks.
I always assumed our parents were taking care of her. I never asked, and I never really checked in. I was too busy trying to manage a recent divorce, a small child, a career, and whatever was left of my mental health.
She said it was my ex’s wife who stepped up. She took her to every appointment, picked up prescriptions, brought food, helped her move around, stayed with her when she couldn’t be alone. And at one point she said, “I know it hurts you, but she was there. He was there. You weren’t. You didn’t even come to the hospital. I thought I was gonna d i e, and you didn’t even show up.”
She cried while telling me all this. She said she still wants a relationship with me, but she’s not going to cut them off. She also said she’s fine with me not helping her with the loans anymore. She’s planning to get a part-time job and figure it out herself.
She told my ex and the wife about our conversation. Apparently they offered to help her financially, but she turned it down too.
I just listened. Then I told her she’s free to do whatever she wants. And so am I. And to never call me again.
So that’s where we are.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
I commented nta on the first post. And I still think nta. But the hospital info wasn't in the first post. I still think taking the money and hiding her relationship was purposely deceptive, and she is a dishonest and manipulating person. You don't owe her financial subsidiation.
But any relationship of substance obligates people to check on hospitalized people. Especially if they have bedrest after being released. No matter what's going on in your own life. It's all part of that love thing where we care about people because we love them. So, therefore, love causes us to be concerned and interested in the problems of those that we love.
Even with all you had going on, your lack of interest in your sister's hospitalization implies you aren't really that close. So it doesn't seem as if there is a relationship to salvage.
Hahaha you didn't even ask if your sister was dead? With friends like you, who needs anemones?
OP responded:
I had a five-year-old, a full-time job, and a brain that was barely holding it together. I texted her, but no, I didn’t go to the hospital. I assumed our parents were taking care of her. I was wrong. I’m not defending it.
Nothing in her explanation (excuses) addresses why she would befriend the woman your ex cheated with before her accident
OP responded:
She said they weren’t friends before the accident. She was cordial to her. They only became close after the accident.
Idk, sounds like the ex had the time bc he wasn't taking care of the kid.
Also, how tf was sister supposed to pay bills without a job?