'AITA for firing my friend with no warning after finding out she was sending updates to my ex?'

"AITA for firing my friend with no warning after finding out she was sending updates to my ex avoid our son?"

Legally he’s only my son now but I’ll (31M) explain: My ex wife and I divorced after she got pregnant with my son Tyler. Ever since we both met and started our relationship we were on the same page about being child free. For me that changed when she found out she was pregnant. She was still on board with not having a child and wanting to terminate but I started having doubts.

We talked about it many times until we realized we were no longer on the same page. She didn’t go through with terminating but she did want to give him up for adoption instead but I opposed to that and agreed to raise him myself.

That spelled the end of our relationship because she didn’t want a child in our lives. We filed for divorce then once he was born I had full custody of him and raised my son as a single father. After my wife came into the picture and legally adopted him after we married I had nothing to do with my ex anymore.

Until last year she’s been messaging me wanting to talk about seeing Tyler but I already told her he has a mom already so to just let us be. Since both me and my wife work Tyler (4) has a sitter Kara who’s a friend of mine that stays with him during the day. She was a mutual friend of me and my ex wife but she didn’t have contact with her until after the divorce. Or that’s what I thought.

One of my friends told me she knows Kara has been updating my ex about Tyler for a couple months because she brought it up to them once since she felt bad doing this behind our backs, but also felt guilty that my ex can’t see Tyler anymore even if she signed away her rights and now regrets it. I was so furious when I confronted Kara about it. She showed me all there messages.

None of it was saying where we live or pictures of him but telling her what he ate, what his favorite books are and such. But I was still angry she was telling her things about my son behind my back.

I told her to get out. But now she’s begging me to give her a chance and she will completely delete my ex’s contact and block her because she really needs this job and it’ll look bad to her future job opportunities.

Since my mom started to come watch him instead I told her why so she’s the one telling me it wasn’t right to fire her without giving her a chance to change. Also because she can understand her pov with my ex no longer having access to my son and feeling like a desperate mother.

It’s just really hard to understand why I’m the bad guy for not wanting anyone talking to my ex about my son just because she had w change of heart. My friend keeps begging me to give her another chance and even some friends thought outright firing her instead of coming up with a different solution was over the top. It is hard because she was a good friend before finding this out. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Better2021Everyone said:

NTA. She was giving updates about your son to someone without your consent. That is a betrayal of trust. There is no way on God's green earth I would give her a second chance.

[deleted] said:

NTA. If your sitter was so worried about her job she wouldn't have gone behind your back. As for your ex, it would be one thing if she had changed her mind before she gave birth. Even before you remarried. Not this late when he has already been adopted by your wife.

OP responded:

And she had agreed to sign over her rights so my wife could adopt him.

animaniactoo said:

NTA. This was a hard boundary line that is about protecting your son. She knew that she was doing it against your wishes. This isn't like she let him have ice cream after lunch. Desperate birth mom is understandable and sympathetic. But going behind your back about this... no. That's a hard no in what you need in a sitter.

SirLow8846 said:

NTA - She signed away her rights. That child isnt hers. They arent toys you can throw away and pick up when you feel like it. And also its DANGEROUS that your "friend" was giving her updates.

ComprehensiveBand586 said:

NTA but when your child is older you'll have to tell him about your ex. She might reach out to him and tell him a different version of what happened, and her version might not be the truth.

OP responded:

He knows a little that he has a mom who gave birth to him. With all the crazy stories out there I never wanted this to be some shocking news he discovers when he’s older

[deleted] said:

I am not jumping to conclusions. You wrote. Your mother - “Also because she can understand her POV with my ex NO LONGER access to my son and feeling like a desperate mother”

Baby sitter - “also felt guilty that my ex cant see Tyler ANYMORE even if she signed her right away” So it makes it look like she was seeing the kid but you stopped her from doing it anymore. So I apologize for reading it that way.

OP responded:

Because she obviously had a chance before to be in his life. I had full custody but she had the right to visitation. She never took that up but the option was there. Once my wife legally became his mom then that option was gone which is why I said she no longer had any access to him